|Reviews for Book 1: Attachments Chapter 1: The Gathering|
| foxfire chapter 2 . 2/15/2012
"as well as the black sock and shoe hybrid things that she'd gotten at Wal-Mart"
That line is a killer. This is more like a screenplay than a novel - Da Vinci code style. Good flashback to present
Mentioned elsewhere, I'm not much into the superhero thing but this is good.I can see it in my head.
You would rock Rumpel ;-)
| Ezekiel Finch chapter 1 . 8/30/2011
Hello from the RG!
I like how you start off this series. We get a taste of the action right now and we let you fill us in on what is going on. You don't have too many characters introduced which means that we don't have to go, "Okay we're on character number what now?" You have a small number of characters who will play their part which means we can go read on without the fear of forgetting who was in the introduction.
I have a problem with this one part though.
"It was only nine in the evening and the Blackstone research facility was crawling with doctors and guests, all piled in to see the newest research developments in what they called 'the advancement of human evolution.'
More like the torture, experimentation, and exploitation of humanity."
The second sentence felt a little heavy handed. It sounds cliche because it, not only has been used before in this Sci-fi genre, but also it describes a very large umbrella of things that could be all three of these things. The point is that the second sentence really doesn't point us in a specific direction. Are we talking about humans getting enhancements, humans being forced into a cyberspace, test tube babies, or are we talking about none of the above? What should we be looking at or looking forwards for? Hinting at what kind of sci-fi story this is will help us understand your story before it even begins.
| Katalina Tomas chapter 2 . 8/14/2011
I liked the flashback. It explained some things... but not too much. It actually left me intrigued. So... Joseph has the ability to teleport and Naomi can light things on fire? Or maybe control over fire?
[didn't'] Just a punctuation error.
Ahh! I see it! A fire starter! I enjoyed the flashback blending with the current events. Same reasons as above. It explained just enough for me to want to read on.
| Katalina Tomas chapter 1 . 8/14/2011
[Naomi Braun stared in contemplation... "Are you sure they won't recognize you?"] Here it's not clear until the next paragraph that Joseph is talking. I'd suggest putting a period after "brother" and saying "Joseph, who was sitting in the driver's seat of the car, asked, "Are you... you?"
["Yes," she didn't take her eyes off...] Replace the comma with a period and capitalize the 's' in "she." Same with ["I don't like this," he opened the door...]
Besides that, I liked this chapter quite a bit. It interested me enough to persuade me to go on, so great job with that. Your descriptions helped me picture the scene, which is important in every story.
Overall, this was a good start. :) I'll read on.
| disrhythmic chapter 8 . 7/28/2011
So, originally I was going to review each chapter individually, but I didn't want to be annoying, so instead I thought I'd give you a review on the story as a whole. :)
First off, the things I liked. It's very well-written and paints a clear picture in my mind, which is always a plus. :) I also enjoy Naomi's character. She's in over her head and kind of reluctant, but she still manages to cope under pressure. I'm sick of the usual female lead who always needs to be rescued, so Naomi is a very welcome change.
Let's see... I also like the flashback placement. You give a lot of interesting backstory without pulling me too far away from the action. The inclusion of Dr. Synzada's notes was also clever, I think. It gave me the basic information about the characters at a glance, but without seeming forced or breaking up the flow of the story.
Jane is a very interesting character to me. I'm looking forward to seeing how she develops - is she going to be grateful to them for pulling her out of the Facility, or is she going to resent it?
Onto the constructive criticism. First, I found several grammatical mistakes (mainly missed commas, periods instead of question marks - things like that). I'm not going to list them off because they're minor things and they don't impede understanding, but if you ever wanted to give it a final polish, so to speak, keep an eye out for those.
The other critique I had is that sometimes, especially in the more action-packed bits, it's hard to tell who's speaking or who 'he' or 'she' is referring to. I know it's probably hard when you have so many characters running around, but you might want to give it a look and see if you could clarify things a bit. :)
All in all, I really, really enjoyed this and I'm looking forward to reading the next part of the story. I'm -shocked- that this doesn't have more reviews than it does. It's a fun, well-written story (more than can be said about a lot of fiction on here). I'll be recommending this.
Keep it up!
| disrhythmic chapter 1 . 7/28/2011
I really enjoyed this. :) I like the way you built up the tension and the dialogue feels really natural. :) Looking forward to seeing where this goes!
| Compton chapter 1 . 6/10/2011
Hey, I came and noticed that you have no reviews, so I wanted to refer you the review game. Now I'm not some random troll advertising things, they don't even know I'm doing it, if you go to my page thing you can see I've written three stories. But you seriously should bring it there so that you can get reviews for these stories. Just wanted to let you know. :)