|Reviews for Twisting Parallels|
| sophiesix chapter 13 . 9/1/2011
'Spooled a pool': love that!
ooh we're here! Zora-a-a-a-a!
Oh man i don't like this new home for Zora, though it's good to see she can hold her own. Hope she can get herself sorted and improve things for Pyro... you've got me worried!
Couple of typos:
"Ropes thrown out, Pyro found himself dressed in thick helm and sasil like a prisoner of war." hemp, maybe? not sure about sasil?
"potraits of faces of some resembelance lined down" resemblance
"I'd appreciatate if you kept the stories to yourself." appreciate
"He noticed the slight widdening of the violet eyes" widening
"the Princess is delievered" delivered
| Tawny Owl chapter 8 . 7/12/2011
Pyro melts the knife? That is so very cool and deserves a lot more description. First becasue it is such a cool image and can also tell us a lot a about Pyro, like whether it hurts him, or how his gift works. Secondly it was a bit like the moment with the girl who can turn herself into a rope: although this is a fantasy world we don't know it like you do so some things need a bit more explaining sometimes.
fire singled their hair - singled?
but her fingers closed around what she wanted - which is? I don't think there's a need to tell us outright, but give a clue. You can be very mysterious sometimes, and I think rather than adding to the dramatic tension it can just be confusing. Yeah, I'm being picky again.
Oh, and how does Pyro feel to Zora? having just been on fire and all. Is he hot, or does he smell like ash?
I did like Zora's desperation at going in the river though. And I never would have thought the irritating miss could be so brave, selfless or practical. It's a bit of a shock, but then she's alwasy been a bit aloof.
| Tawny Owl chapter 7 . 6/29/2011
I was a bit confused about what was happening at the beginning of this chapter. At first I thought he was just tied up, then I thought they were maybe trying to hang him as he could feel the rope on his collar bone, and then I thought maybe some kind of torture, but I’m nout sure how it’s working? He doesn’t seem to be in that much pain.
The rope said also sounds a bit strange – given the magic in your world, and the shape shifting I thought for a moment that it could actually be the rope.
Moaning aside though I’m really glad to see Blade again, and I like the idea that the gifts can be destroyed. It makes them instantly more valuable and exciting.
Really Blade? Fainting from a flesh wound? You seemed so calm and zen before. Although there is the leg too – maybe work up to the wooziness. The fainting felt a bit abrupt.
Some kind of cave? I’d like to know more than that? Is it lit? is it damp? Is it completely enclosed or is there an obvious entrance/exit that is accessible or barred?
I’d also like to know more about why the Cor and Verity are enemies? Wanting to strangle her while she is aslee is a very powerful reaction, and comparing them to cats and dogs isn’t enough for me (unless you’ve mentioned it before and I’ve forgotten, in which case smack me)
She’d been thrown?
Also raises questions about their captors if they are collecting people with gifts, and they put two people together who culture dictates are going to dislike each other.
That said, I don’t think Blade is going to kill her. He’s bothered to ask her name, hasn’t he?
| lookingwest chapter 5 . 6/19/2011
You really enjoy nicknames! XD I liked the explanation though, of the Dogs, Eagles, and Monkies...is there a reason it's spelled "ies" instead of "Monkeys", though? Not sure if I like that rather than just having a normal spelling like the others, but then like I said, I think you set up the explanation well and it made sense, cleared up a bit of the action in the last chapter and what was going on with the Dogs. Such and intense ending for this chapter too! I liked how it went right up to that last line, it was great, couldn't have ended better. You really know how to raise up action and then work combat scenes, and I like the princess thrown into the havoc of the battle scenes as well, makes for a great ride with the action!
| lookingwest chapter 4 . 6/19/2011
Wow, I really liked the intensity of the action sequences in this chapter because they really show Pyro's potential and what happens when he loses his control. I thought you did an excellent job describing the fire in the end, and liked the emphasis on "Burn. Burn." the development of Pyro is going really well! I also liked the addition of the Verity, the fact the bandit turned out to be a woman was mysterious and made me want to know more, especially about the "vows" etc. you did a good job hinting to what that may mean for future chapters!
| Sercus Kaynine chapter 12 . 6/19/2011
"Before reaching Mei, his hears picked up a rustle."
-You added an "h" before "ears".
I like how you added the comical parts in the middle of this. That aspect of Blade and Mei's relationship eases the tension every once in a while and makes things more interesting.
Honestly, I'm wondering about these Submixt. They seem to be up to something.
This chapter made me wonder about action to come. I'm very curious about what Blade will choose to do. He has prejudice and logic and sympathy at war in him.
| Tawny Owl chapter 6 . 6/15/2011
It was a futile ask - ask or task?
I'd forgotten Cor was from a different place to Zora. Those from Cor are obviously the more rough and ready Conan types. Or is Cor a deity, because I'm sure Pyro has been swearing by him too.
Surely Zora's helpless disarray makes her all the more attractive? No feelings of wanting to protect her from Pyro? No? Good. I like that he's more worried about his friends. All the fight does seem to have gone out of her though. I did like the way you handled the chin raising, but apart from that she seems very compliant. Not even in shock, just tired.
Loved the quick exchange about fetching the water - and the idea that pyro can't go in the water. I really want to know what happens if he does.
Liked the idea of the river twisting restlessly in its sleep too.
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 12 . 6/9/2011
I loved that chapter. I really liked the interaction between Blade and Mei; there's that underlying tension that comes from them being enemies, but there's something else there too. And respect; I think you convey that very well. The ending, especially, was really well written, and the last line was omnious enough to make me very, very disappointed that there's not another chapter (at the moment). Great descriptions, great characters, great chapter. Can't wait for more.
| Carmel March chapter 12 . 5/29/2011
Wow, I clicked on this story, expecting to just start it and finish it tomorrow, but I couldn't stop reading! Needless to say, I'm loving this! Can't wait for an update :)
| sophiesix chapter 12 . 5/28/2011
Ah! So she didn’t abandon him. Thank god for that :) Lovely atmosphere in this chapter. Mei reminds me a bit of lil sometimes, but she's not loud, so i picture her differently :D
“The two of them alone were deer in the midst of a wolf pack,” love that, though I’d read ‘park’ instead of pack and first and liked that too!
“She was someone used looking after her own back.“ used to: but also repetitive.
“glances taking in his surroundings in snatches.” ‘glances’ seems unnecessary there?
“pusling body.” Pulsing. mmm meat. do they eat it, evetually? or does he eat it before he gets back to her?
“, she was not obliged to answer it.” Better without ‘it’?
“"I had a team." Blade opened his eyes” I thought this was blade talking at first. Maybe new para for ‘Blade opened…’?
“There was another one. She said five. The cold of the night pressed in. The moon dipped behind some clouds. Blade didn't mind silence – but now, he felt uneasy in it.“ ooh I like that!
“warned us not to be arrogant” arrogant
“conjured up a stradgedy” strategy
“Blade's eyes widdened” widened
Love the idea of the dreamwalkers.
Ok, so blade has decided the verity saving his life is worth more than Pyro and the princess? I dunno, I would’ve thought his duty to them would’ve reluctantly won through, when compared to certain death?
| Tawny Owl chapter 5 . 5/26/2011
Like the sense of time passing here, and the way you use the moon to show it. When you drop into the immediate action though I think you need some info about the physical and emotional affect it's had on Pyro, even if he's had previous experience of this kind of travel. It feels like there still nervy, and trying to move as fast as they can.
Plus night fell could be expanded on to give more of a sense of atmosphere, it feels like Pyro is not entirely comfortable, and neither is Blade. That fuzzy grey stage between the sun starting to set and it actually being properly dark does creepy things to shadows and distance. Yes, the picky pain is back.
Loved the monkies though - you almost don't need the 'up you go' that goes with it. Really nice.
I really like the relationship you have between Pyro and Blade too. It feels solid, but not completely simple for eithe rof them.
Brilliant detail about Pyro being attuned to the moisture as well.
Has the journey not affected Zora either? Is she looking tired? less well turned out than she's used to? And is she picking a fight with Pyro becasue she feels as edgy as he does and is trying to keep a grip on what little control she feels she does have?
In one swift movement - this feels a bit like a cliche, and like they've all just been standing their waiting. They're making camp, they'd be cooking, unrolling blankets and stuff. I think you can better describe teh sense of fear and urgency with the clutter of camp.
Did like teh arrival of the enemy. Especially as they aren't entirely sure what they're fighting yet. Makes it more frightening. And the glimpses you give from Pyro's view helps to round it out just enough while still keeping me curious.
They reached the woman - use her name
With the men being named after animals - is there something on their dress that means their roles are easily distinguishable? Or given that they are Pyro's men,and teh best he has, wouldn't he know their names? At first I thought they were just names for jobs, rather than permanent titles - I guess all the eagles don't stand guard all teh time, and they have shifts so that some get to sleep.
The scene of the battle, the bit with the Dog tripping was really good on visuals, but I think noise would have given it more clout, and maybe some reaction from Pyro as well?
Dramatic ending though.
| Frap chapter 11 . 5/21/2011
By Ugh! YOU!
Okay, I'm going to let the feelings level out...**Deep breaths**
I was so ready for I don't know, some hanky or panky, or at least some of that drag you by the cuff of your shirt drama that scroches the lining of your heart and feeds your eyes with the rivers of exhiliration!
I'm not fussing, just, I wanted something else...GGRRRR!
Okay, enough fangirl babbling and childishness...On with your review...ahem...(:
I could've leapt out of my freaking skin when I envisioned his proximity to her after he got up. Man it was a heat flash, and a rather nice one too. (:
This was your chapter to let us know why they can't but hell I don't accept that! LOVE WILL FIND A WAY OR I'LL FIND THE AUTHOR! Please chuckle with me. I love your depiction of the clans and the world you've spun is so interesting, so I won't whine about love and romance. I'm on a love high right now so please excuse me. It's a long story.
There are a couple of typos that I won't point out but this is all around really good. The title should've cued me in that it was going to be, well subdued. Besides, it isn't rated M. LOL!
But there is an intense feeling of hurt and shame that I get from the Princess and that damn behemoth amount of pride and ego from Pyro, sort made me say,. "Well hurry up and take her damn it and save her and me heart ache, for real for real."
So Thank you when you can get me to roll my eyes at an imaginary dude...
The pace is nice and it's also very short so I look forward to the next chapter. I'm in school so just know that I may be slow with responses and I got over some of my anger at FP. I'm trying to do better with the forum and stuff.
Well my lovely author. I shall put up my cool glass of tea until the inner flame of true love burns like wild between the princess and her stubburn, can't forget your vow, sexy, loyal to the death, sexy, stern talking, sexy, warrior, sexy, yeah and sexy protector grace my screen again.
(Oh yeah and don't forget they way you potray him we know he's sexy...LOL!)
| lookingwest chapter 3 . 5/6/2011
You really have a thing for bringing the themes of war through to your works, I like how you also brought over the idea of brother against brother—I feel similar themes to this piece and Winata, but I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing, I can just really tell that this a genre you’re quite comfortable with. I like that you’re focusing on a smaller group of characters so far, that’s kind of different than usual, but we’ll see since I’m only three chapters in!
The dialogue between Pyro and Zora was well done at the end there, I think her character took a bit of a different turn from how you characterized her in the last one—now she seems a bit more strong and stubborn, not necessarily a brat, so I’m not sure where that change in heart came from, but I would have expected, judging by her characterization initially, that she throw a bit more of a fit about leaving, etc.
Still, I do like this new Zora better, and I’m glad it went the more stubborn route. The description of the horse hair near the beginning was nice, and I like how you kept things in perspective through Pyro judging by how well people are disciplined to hold their tongues, which also gave it an ironic overtone since at the end he’s told to hold his in the future. Overall a solid chapter with some nice beginning character developments concerning relationships!
| lookingwest chapter 2 . 5/6/2011
…the chin tilted so high it could be knifed easily.
-I really liked this line, not only because it was clever, but also because it characterizes Pyro in a unique way—it tells the reader what he sees when he looks at a room and surveys the people, and I thought that was a fun way to bring that aspect out in his character.
Overall I’m not completely feeling like Zora is unique and standing out to me yet—so far she’s fulfilling a spoilt princess stereotype to a bit of a tee, but I really love the little mention of “gifts” that might start appearing at the age of sixteen, I really think that could bring another decision to her character, and I don’t think you’ll disappoint. I think the strongest aspect so far into only two chapters is the direction of the plot, it’s quite sound and I think you’re heading it in the right direction! I’m very interested to see where not only the future takes the characters in the literal sense, but also how their relationship might further develop too, especially since we’re starting off the journey with two characters who care little for one another’s company.
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 11 . 5/2/2011
Great stuff. I really enjoyed that chapter - the explanation was delievered really well, and it didn't feel like an info-dump, so good job on that. I liked the small parts of description alongside the dialogue, it kept the pace up and meant it wasn't too dialogue heavy. I noticed some mistakes but they've been pointed out already so I won't do that. I really like how Pyro kind of knows all the risks if those two decide to run off, and how Zora is pretty much ignorant when it comes to that sort of stuff. Can't wait to see more!