Reviews for Rainclouds
inkmind chapter 1 . 6/28/2011
First off this is an interesting story which uses description extremely well. I can practically see the opening scene and the park is vividly painted in the minds of your readers.

There were a couple of things which left me questioning however, how did the girl die? Was it pertinent to the story in some way? Also why was the first thing mentioned by the police officer the funeral home and not a single question about the body? It would seem that the cause of death may have cleared up some of my questions but they are not necessarily important to comprehension of the story.

I was intrigued by the conversations in the story, they seemed to be much like any conversation which would be heard during the situations. You did a great job of adding realism to the conversations especially in the memory. The method used in transitioning from the present to the memory and back were also well done.

All in all this was a well written story with an interesting premise.
Anon chapter 1 . 6/1/2011
Good story. It IS depressing but well written with good characters. You may consider going more in depth about the background story though to give readers more of the whole picture.
Houndofkonda chapter 1 . 5/25/2011
As you know, I'm not much of a writer. I really enjoyed it, I was kind of lost and confused about how she died and when. I got the feeling that she died because her heart skipped out of excitement, which is really tragic. I really love the way you describe things, and I like your style. It could of been more clear, like I said it kind of confused me a little bit.

Overall, I really liked it. Keep writing. :) You inspire me.
Kristina Suko chapter 1 . 12/15/2010
You have become one of my favorite people for using the word "Lachrymose". I love that word.

For the first paragraph, I would try to find a few synonyms for "grey", (ashen, slate, heather, iron) to avoid becoming repetitive with the word.

And a few typos I found (I inserted the corrections in brackets):

"and the wind had picked up a bit(there should be a comma here) causing the temperature to drop."

"She had died hours ago. He promised her that he'd never leave her side." - I think this would flow better if you combined the sentences. "She had died hours ago, but he had promised her that he'd never leave her side." It sort of... punctuates the emotion of the fact that she's dead and he's still with her.

"They sat there for hours(insert comma here) just content to be together"- and then the next three sentences all start with "the" which is repetitive. :)

"He took a deep breath of the crisp evening air and looked over at her. "Jenny."" This should be its own paragraph.

"She can't be gone." - couldn't.

"Now she was gone(comma) and she had taken him with her(comma) leaving two empty shells."

"closed and rubbed his hand(s) together"

When the Officer starts to speak, it should be a separate paragraph.

"tightly around her cold(comma) stiff frame."

"the man yelled and ran at the policeman flailing his fists wildly." - I would say "leapt at," since he'd just been sitting down and it's not indicated that he's stood up. I'd also reword it a little so that the flow of the action is better- "The man yelled, running/leaping at the policeman and flailing his fists wildly."

There were a few other places where you began several sentences in a row with "he," and this lent a repetitive air to those paragraphs.

You have such a beautiful way of describing things! I really like your writing style, and your story subjects. They're not run-of-the mill, and they're very unique. Keep writing!

~Mara
Bond x Lei chapter 1 . 12/15/2010
Hello,

It started off good, but in the end it got a bit weird and disjointed. I think you need a better transition from the flashback to the present-that was really disjointed.

I'm not sure the questions at the end helped the piece. They felt tacked on and just a little bit awkward.

But it's still good, so, nice job.

Keep writing,

-Bond