Reviews for Into the Night Revised
AppleCinnamon chapter 1 . 8/26/2013
I have to say, you've put a lot of depth into Jake very early on, and I love it. Yes, he comes of as a d-bag at times, and maybe as a person he isn't someone many would want to make friends with, but from a reading perspective he's a very compelling character. One example would be his relationship with Clara. He views her as a bit of a piece of meat, but at the same time he genuinely has some sort of affection for her, whether or not he has anything planned for the future. So, when it came to the final part, my jaw just dropped and I could almost hear poor Jake's heart cracking. I love that despite his arseholery, you just can't help but sympathize, maybe even empathize with him.

There wasn't as much build up for the bigger picture, but I'm glad you didn't divert from the story too much. Some stories kind of just touch on the plot, and then forget it for a couple chapters in order to focus on character development (admittedly I'm guilty of this T.T ), so it was great to see the plot weaved in so naturally.

Overall good pacing for both chapters. Nothing lags, and the drive to continue reading keeps gathering momentum. I can't wait for more! :D
Kavetroll007sh chapter 29 . 10/28/2012
I really enjoyed that. There are a few typos here and there. Might want to go back and look for those. I really liked how each character responded accordingly. I mean if you suddenly had a kid dumped on your lap, you probably wouldn't want to take care of them right away. Definitely going to favorites. And if you please could read and review my story Revenge. I'm still new at writing and would love some advise or criticism. Thanks.
lookingwest chapter 1 . 4/18/2012
From RH

I remember reading the beginning of the original and I still like Jake-you managed to keep his voice consistent with his original character and really I didn't find much had changed. I'm not sure if I remember Clara though, so I liked that inclusion and I enjoyed how you characterized her when she comes out of the coffee shop and how Jake reacts to her conversation. It makes Jake an original protagonist because he doesn't exactly look like a great guy an you end up kind of sympathizing with Clara (at least I did). The only thing I will say, is that I found the US/Russia thing a little out-there to the point of me not believing it at all. I would be more inclined to believe that the US was having an issue with China or Korea or something, even the Middle East, but not Russia. The Cold War is so over that Russia isn't even much of a world power anymore and I found it a little too unrealistic. If it were a feud with the Chinese I could see that being a lot more touchy and more realistic to what might be plausible in the future. Russia would have to undergo a big change I think, to start getting touchy with the US, especially considering the fall of the USSR. Other than that though, I remember this story and I'm interested to see if I can get a little further with it than I did the original, so far I'm enjoying the revision!
Vivace.Assai chapter 1 . 3/26/2012
Interesting first chapter. I like how you integrated some information about this future world without being too information heavy. The little mentions about Westminster and the current culture gives a lot of context about what the future is like without leaving much to be explored. Also, it allows readers to slowly assimilate into the culture, which is really nice.

The characterization of Jake was also done very nicely. The narration sounds distinctly masculine - there's no denying it. At the same time, the narration also makes it clearer what Jake a character - his attitude towards life, his outlook, his feelings towards people.

I also liked the writing since it conveyed the character's narration well while also being to the point. There were times when you used the wrong word. For example, Jake says: [They won't actually use them, will I?]; in this case, the "I" should be "they" but it's a minor issue. Overall, the writing's really well done.

This first chapter was great as a first chapter. It gave good set-up concerning the characters and any significant events relating to the plot.

Thanks for the good read.

Signing off...
yo chapter 24 . 1/2/2012
I like it, a bit confusing in some minor parts but a very intriguing story. You certainly know how to make a suspencful story.
berley chapter 14 . 10/21/2011
“Weirdly, I wasn't panicking.”

- replace ‘weirdly’ with ‘oddly’. Weirdly just sounds…weird. Haha. Out of place. Or just take weirdly our together and just have ‘I wasn’t panicking’.

“the bare skin on our arms touching.:

- bare skin of our arms.

Heh, so a bomb goes off yet Jake still somehow manages to get laid. Haha. I would have liked to of seen a bit more of a build up to the sex between Jake and Madison, but that’s just a personal choice on that part. I don’t really get why they would want to stay outside since the air is suppose to be really think still (unless it’s calmed down and I missed that part?). Breathing heavy in that air would be uncomfortable. Haha.

Okay what? Some girl went outside right after the light and now she…lights up? Crazy? Though, I feel like you could have elaborated a bit with this part of the chapter. A lot was going on with Mercy and her friend meeting this people, and this chapter was pretty brief and skimmed over a lot of details and interactions that I think you could have written about.
berley chapter 13 . 10/4/2011
I’m glad that you subtly brought up the guilt that Jake felt for leaving that man outside. I totally see why he did it, but at the same time I think that him as a character would morally have some issues with knowing that he did leave a man out there to die. On a not so serious note, I feel bad for how bored they all must be just sitting down there. I think I would go crazy with lack of something to do down there! Is that going to get the best of any of the characters?

As for Mercy and what’s going on outside, I have a hard time believing that there aren’t more bodies out there for her to see. I understand that maybe more people than I’m thinking of or aware of are in hiding, but I just imagine that there would be a lot more corpses laying around after what happened. Though, that could just be me being a little morbid. Haha.

Interesting chapter, I look forward to seeing what caused the candle light that Mercy saw!
berley chapter 12 . 9/14/2011
“My gaze snapped towards the small girl, who now sleepily gazed around, confused.”

- you used gazed twice two close together, sounds repetitive.

Hmm, this is an interesting take on what someone might do if stuck in that situation. I knew immediately that the knocking on the latch was the blind injured man, so before they actually discovered him I was expecting that they would pull him into the barrack and try to help him, or at least try and get some answers out of him about what happened up there. Instead they just leave him out there to die instead of trying to help. I understand that side, too. They have kids down there, and keeping everyone calm is probably just as important as helping anyone else considering where they are. I guess I’m kind of on the fence about that one. I’d at least like some answers, but then again I see why they did it.

I would have also liked more description with the man, maybe use to gross metaphors and similies to get the point across about how repulsive he looks like?

Interesting chapter!
Narq chapter 12 . 9/9/2011
he urge to do so was growing inside me, scratching at me like the need for a cigarette

- very nice! Shows exactly how he's feeling.

If I survived. After all, curiosity killed the cat, so God knows what it'd do to me.

- I think this got a bit too apathatic for me. I think you should show this, show his debating in his mind - it could serve for two things - a) he's indecisive, and b) depending on the outcome, he's ruled by his head or heart

and the urge to get outside was growing stronger.

- a bit too waffly this far in. Maybe: and I wanted to get outside now.

Physically, I felt repulsed. Mentally, I knew I was being harsh and wrong an evil.

- I think if you replace and play around with "in my head" and "in my heart", this could serve to be a much stronger sentence, just coz head ad heart are more emotive words than physically and mentally.

Othewrise, great gripping chapter!

Narq.
Narq chapter 11 . 9/7/2011
Jake's POV - I really liked how you went through the whole patience is a virtue thing, I think you made a good point, and I liked how you talked about the waiting for a mate at hte bar and thenw whippingout the phone to lay games. It's almost as if we can't stand not doing something now. As if . we're afraid to be alone.

Chloe's - I enjoyed the clear shift of POV and setting and how it was very quick and direct - bang bang bang, everything's fast and controlled

Mercy - I like how you talked about your character thro another character. It helped fleshen them in my minds.

? - interesting way of telling your reader that this is ambigious, could be anyone, and it really draws your reader in!

Great job! I'll be back to reviewing!

Narq.
berley chapter 11 . 8/21/2011
I’ve said this before, but I’m going to say it again, I like Jake’s random trains of thought that he gets throughout the chapters. Sometimes they have nothing to do with what’s going on, or they have some random correlation with what’s going on but it really lets the reader into his head and what kind of person he is. Sometimes it doesn’t, but it’s still nice just to see the stuff he thinks about, and how his thought process works.

My favourite part of this chapter was the unknown narrator at the end. I like that you didn’t explain how he physically looked like from his obvious injuries, but instead just showed how things felt to him, and how much pain he was in. It let me as a reader imagine what actually happened to him, or how badly or disgustingly injured he might be. (I can just imagine how badly burnt he is or something, especially his face) I'm interested to see who he is.
berley chapter 10 . 8/14/2011
I really like what you did with the section narrated my Mercy. I know I’ve be complaining about her in previous reviews, but I have to admit I really liked the minimalist style that you used with her narration. The lack of descriptions of her surroundings or how her apartment probably looked, or even what actually happened to her really added to the whole ‘I just woke up and I don’t know what the hell’s going on’ feel that Mercy was going through. Good job on that, it’s hard to find someone using minimalism and it working that well.

I’m not sure how healthy smoking underground is going to be. Hahaha.

Yay, this story is really picking up and I like it a lot, especially what you’ve finally done with Mercy. I really liked the last line of the chapter as well, added as a nice way to leave things and transition to the next chapter. A bit of a cliff hanger.
berley chapter 9 . 8/14/2011
Sorry this review is so late! I just moved and was crazy busy.

“drift off into a (fairly) pleasant sleep, disturbed sometimes, but rarely, by nightmares’

- I’d omit that last comma. I think it breaks up the sentence a little too much.

“"Just out curiosity," I began, eyeing her hands as they elegantly beat”

- Just out of curiosity.

“and before we drifted into silent”

- silence.

I like how you bring up the issues that a lot of soldiers have when they leave the army, because it’s all totally true. I actually would have liked to have seen more of that since most soldiers have more than pent up anger, but mental issues when it comes to being able to relax and live as a citizen again. It’s a very interesting topic, so it was nice to read about it when it came to Chuck’s character.

I really like how relatable Jake is, and you make his character really realistic with how he views and reacts to things. I’ve said that many times before, but since you asked the question: he’s my favourite character.
Izanagi's Muse chapter 9 . 8/7/2011
Alright so my favorite character is Jake so far, we're in his head the most and I'm impressed with his design, it's human and imperfect, the way it should be. But I am liking Mercy quite a bit as well, I just want to know more about her.

I've said it before but your dialogue is just great, it flows exceptionally well in this chapter. Jake and Madison's interactions are going to be fun to read I can tell. Where you're going to take this story and it's characters is still up in the air for me, but that makes it fun to read.

You've gotten better with your detailing, I know I stated that last time but I see improvement again in this chapter so I'll say it again.

I like your characters, I like the story and I like the setting.

I've been meaning to write this in a review it just kept slipping my mind, but I really like what you did with the culture in the future. They still listen to older music just people today still listen to old music, you reference technology that should still be around in your time period or at least the characters would have encountered when they were children and you provide a good mix of new and old technology for the characters to interact with. I really like to see that.

So once again keep up the good work with this story.
Izanagi's Muse chapter 8 . 8/7/2011
So far I'm liking your story, but I just want to warm you away from a very common device in war stories. Tension between Russia and the United States has been there for awhile and it's not going to go away anytime soon, so if they go to war it's an entirely plausible event. What I want to warn you away from is the "Russia is evil" stereotype that alot war stories today give to the country. It's really overused and incorrect, so please just be careful with that.

Other than that I feel like your detailing has gotten alot better as this story goes on, definitely a big difference from the first chapter so good job on that.

There was one part that needs to be re-written though as it was a bit confusing, this part ""Sure," I shrugged, before the four of us made our way through the tunnel and back up into the fresh air, handing one of the cigarettes to the girl before flipping my Zippo open and holding the flame towards her."

It just reads a bit weird and makes the order of events come off odd.

""Sure," I shrugged, the four of us made out way through the tunnel and back up into the fresh air. As Madison emerged I took out a cigarette and handed it to her before holding my lit Zippo out toward her". Just a minor edit like that solidifying the order of how it happened, I'm sure you can come up with a better way of writing that than what I just put though :)
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