|Reviews for The Ornament|
| Roka Polaris chapter 1 . 8/20/2012
I read your first chapter now and I will sure continue reading. I find you are on a good path for writing atmospheric good historical fiction. I like your use of details, as you don't use them in a way to show to the reader that you have done your research (as can sometimes be found in historical novels) but to add atmosphere to make the setting and characters come alive. You use it all with a purpose, and I get the impression that you know very well what you are doing - and of course that you have indeed done your research!
As you asked in your first paragraph, why it is that readers often don't go on beyond chapter 1, let me make a few guesses. Of course I cannot say for sure just tell you my impressions, and then there are just those who leave because maybe the story is not their thing and in general it would be hard to try to fascinate everyone (and I doubt it would make a better story)
One thing might be the short attention span of internet-users (I must say I am guilty of it myself often) in combination with the lenght of your first chapter. It is over 5.000 words, which would not be a problem in a real book, you put in a bookmark when you are interrupted or have to stop because of lacking time and go on later. Here you close the site, decide to go on reading later, but don't do it for whatever reason. - So in that case dividing it up into shorter pieces would probably be an idea, the chapter consits of three scenes, so it would not be too hard to split it up, in case you wanted to.
And then the second thing that I thought of is that I don't find the first scene, where Amunet and Min are talking not quite as gripping as the other parts, I needed a bit of time to get into it. I find it beautifully written and I especially like that part where they are both talking about their ideas what their future should be like. But it is a very calm scene, that would be great at any other point of the story, but maybe you want to have something more active for the beginning, something that drags your reader directly into the story. But I also have to say I like calm beginnings - just an idea why people maybe trail off before it really starts.
Well, and then in that scene I also had the feeling that in their conversation (especially at the beginning of it) you merely make them talk about things, so the reader will get the necessary information. I thing there is no need for that, as from the rest of it one can really comfortably figure out the details (but I know that it is often quite difficult to know how much information to give at what point, especially in the beginning, when you have to establish everything)
I will go on reading and commenting to your story as soon as I can, I really like the setting, as I have always been really interested in Ancient Egypt, I like the characters and the plot seems very interesting so far. I can't wait to further delve into this world, take a look at the Pharoh's court and the people living there as I go on reading. In spite of all that I have said (which is also not really meant as criticism, just observations and things you could consider, if you like to) I really find it a great first chapter!
| Chandra.Luna chapter 5 . 8/19/2012
Your story is so full of depth and intrigue. I trully appreciate this narrative and it's setting. Ancient Egypt has always been a great love of mine so this is honestly a wonderful read. I will be fave-ing right away
| Banwen i maethril chapter 4 . 8/13/2012
I really like this so far :), I love stories that deal with Ancient Egypt history and I hope to write a story that is based on the legend of Osiris and Isis, but what I lack is ignorance in Egyptian culture and what not. I think this would really help me in learning about it, though, so I hope to see more. Update soon!
Duchess of Buckingham
| MushieGirl chapter 4 . 4/22/2012
Love this story...the setting and intrigue :)
Please continue this is a excellent story
| Zireael07 chapter 3 . 8/15/2011
The story is so brilliant that I'm speechless. Will we see more of Amunet?
| YumGirlandMoltMan chapter 3 . 12/21/2010
Wonderfully written. Enjoying this a great deal so far.
I don't see any glaring spelling or grammar errors, good stuff
| YumGirlandMoltMan chapter 2 . 12/19/2010
The writing, its detail is incredible, the dialogue tight and believable. This is one of the best stories on this site by far :)
| YumGirlandMoltMan chapter 1 . 12/19/2010
I can't understand why no one has reviewed this...what an incredible beginning to a story that has me hooked...