|Reviews for Granophyre|
| DutchAver chapter 3 . 5/31/2011
Sometimes, finishing a story just doesn't work, I guess. I've been there too, there can be stories that you just can't bring yourself to write and in that case, it is indeed better to stop. It's a shame, though, since I felt this was really good, and I hope you'll write more stories like this in the future! This story will remain on Alert, in the hopefully not-vain hope that you'll update it anyway... ;)
Good luck writing your other stories!
| miragex chapter 2 . 4/22/2011
I tend to go with the flow of a story, so I feel it's still a little too early for me put down my opinion so I'd stick to answering qns:
I'm a little confused with the Diana Baker, Diana Miller thing…so how does Diana's past work? (Okay I'm quite bad at pick up hints so maybe you can PM me or sth to let me know?) Other than that, I'd say she's still pretty much an enigma to me.
The narration maintained my attention, so I'm classing it as Great!
I guess I can't relate very well to the grandma in the story…maybe somehow in the first chapter she gave me the impression of a very serious, a little traditional old lady and then in the second chapter she suggested Diana to wear a miniskirt which was a little shocking to me, then again, just my opinion so don’t mind it too much.
Daniel Moore…my first reaction—exchange student.
Don’t really have a fav/least fav part but this chapter's enjoyable Let's just say it's a standard I won't mind for the rest of the story…(maybe just a little more attention on the punctuation typos?)
Hope it's useful in any sense!
PS: if you do return my review to Genectrols: DGeneration, I would like to request that your review be SPECIFIC to ANY ONE of the following chapters: 7, 8, 9 or 10. Thanks!
miragex, the Roadhouse
| Alias Blue chapter 1 . 4/17/2011
Hi! Alias Blue here, returning your review.
That little summary was really good. It's an interesting idea, I love the simile of the rock and crystal – it was something different.
And I like how you started this off directly with the speech. The main character seems kind of bitter as well, and that's always a fun narration to read.
“briefed my eyes to open” - this line didn't make much sense to me.
“spluttering car out of gasoline.” - I like this line. The flashback was good, but unsurprising. It was pretty standard, and smooth writing. The bit that caught me was the idea that someone was behind it, and had done it on purpose. It gives it a more sinister feel and makes me want to continue to find out about this destructive person.
“to our manor in London." Your dialogue is pretty natural. This bit felt too pointed though. I don't think she would specify like that, most people just say 'home', so it's obvious you're signposting to the reader.
“tried to kill me!” - This is all very dramatic. I wasn't expecting her to have an outburst like that. You definitely show her trauma through the drama, but it does sound very soap-opera-esque. But she does say that in the beginning, so I suppose that's okay. In terms of showing the trauma it was good, I just think it was misplaced. I don't think they'd have that kind of scene whilst signing these papers. In terms of realism, I think they'd be more restrained in that situation. Otherwise, this has certainly got me interested.
I find it really interesting that you've started this off with a name-change, and the kind of sinister crime/thriller feeling. This seems like it's going to be different to other typical romance stories because you've given it that dash of something extra with the hint at past action and more to come.
Sorry if this review is a little terse; i'm tired. Anyway, I have enjoyed this and it does seem more unique and like it'll develop into something interesting. I'd like to keep reading later on.
| thewhimsicalbard chapter 1 . 4/8/2011
[RG - Stories - Easy Fix - Rule 10 Review]
"I can't!" I snapped, tears of anger welling in my eyes although I fought hard to keep them from falling. I wasn't one to show weakness after all. "I just can't forget it like that. It's not that simple, Grandma. You can't expect me to live my life normally without going through changes. You can't expect me to carry her burden over my shoulders and live through all the nightmares that haunt me every night. She haunts me, Grandma, even when I'm fully awake. You can't expect me to bring the name of the woman who didn't just destroy my life but tried to kill me! I can't and I won't. I don't want to."
-This sets off my clichedar like you wouldn't believe. Sobbing girl? Check. Over-exposition of the plot in one condensed paragraph? Check. Severely over-dramatic and histrionic reaction? Check. You might want to consider editing this paragraph so that it no longer drips of teenage angst and actually takes on the level of seriousness that (I think) you want this story to have.
I liked the ending, because it leaves the reader anticipating Diana's new life in the next chapter.
| DutchAver chapter 2 . 4/7/2011
The funny coincidence in this chapter really made me wonder how you are going to carry on. The revelation of Daniel surprised me a lot - I'm very curious to why she changed her name and what role Daniel played in there, and I'm also wondering what he's doing in there, then.
I like your writing style, it really is a bit like reading literature, the way you build up your storyline and things makes me think as if I'm reading a professional book, approved by a publisher and more like that. Well done, I hope you'll continue writing because I really like your style :)
I'm not sure what to think of Daniel, Diana or anyone at this very early point - I guess Daniel's a friend from her past, but I don't know anything else. Perhaps he's a childhood friend?
I really liked the letters between Diana and Past too - I'm a lover of sarcasm and you work that in your story really well.
One spelling mistake and something that just had to be pointed out:
'has been going on for millenniums' Being the true Latinist(I have a Latin test coming up for tomorrow, urgh -.-) I have to point out that the correct plural of 'millennium' would be 'millennia' ;)
'Mental note: Write Lady Luck a thank you letter.' *Snicker* My favourite sentence.
I hope you'll update it soon, and if you do, I'll be there to review it again :) You're doing great, I want to read on!
| Kiveda chapter 2 . 4/7/2011
nyc write more...try giving more background...y d frking hell is she so conscious of her mini skirt?
| ipa6 chapter 2 . 4/7/2011
I seriously love your style of narrating, filled with burst of colours. I'm so lucky that you would beta-read for me. You're freaking fantastic.
| k.mogami chapter 1 . 4/4/2011
Hey, just returning your review. I got to say, I'm a little confused. The summary seems different from the prologue, but I assume everything will be more clear as the story goes on. It's pretty interesting so far and I don't mind the drama because otherwise, I would be more confused by the whole name change thing. Update soon!
| DutchAver chapter 1 . 4/1/2011
It's a good story, I like the start, though one could argue the prologue was a bit too vague ;) I think the drama was okay. Well done!
| thefaultinourpatronus chapter 1 . 3/22/2011
Hey there! I'm here to payback all those lovely reviews you gave The Mathews Scenario, as well as because I've always loved your stuff ;)
I definitely liked the summary, for starters. It's clear-cut and succinct. It revealed a little, but not too much. Exactly the same for the rest of this prologue. I'm really interested as to who 'Diana Baker' was and why she wanted to or HAD to change her identity. With the premise of a past, like how you keep mentioned a certain 'she', I'd want to read more! Keep up the great work, Cee! (:
| natmarie chapter 1 . 1/31/2011
I stumbled upon this. Love the DoR prompt and based on what is here and the summary I anticipate loving what is to come next. I am curious on how you will work in all the elements. Your descriptions and lines flow somewhat like poetry. The dialogue is effective and gets the point across. Nice set up, normally I am hestiant of blasts of drama, but you seem to have a reason behind it and know you are doing it, so I am more leniant. No other concrit from me. Suggestoins on what to read? Maybe try some of my favorites or heck what I have posted (though I can only promise lots of romance haha). Can't wait to see what happens next.
| Stanleylouis chapter 1 . 1/16/2011
Hmm, interesting. By the way, the prompt sounds so cool! I wish I could find a competition, but I always get sidetracked... XD
Anyways. To your story!
The plot summary was so cute that I couldn't NOT go on. :)
"There was no turning back.
'Are you sure, sweetheart? I mean, once it's done, it's done. There really is no turning back.'"
I know that there's a reason for the repetition, but in this case, it might just be better to start with the grandmother's dialogue. It kind of made me trip up while reading it.
"Uneasiness gleamed in her pale green eyes; the only attribute that was the evidence of our blood relation."
Heh, here's me being picky again. X)You should use a comma here, not a semi-colon. Common mistake. :D SORRY! *dodges brick*
Your grammatical tense is a little confusing. It's in past tense, but there's a difference between immeditate past, recent past, and nonrecent past. Don't worry, I get these mixed up all the time, but it's important to clarify which tense it is. Most of this chapter is in nonrecent past (the kind for memories, for example), such as 'has eaten', 'had happened', etc. The tense is perfectly okay, mind you, but to have the entire chapter in it kind of throws the reader, even if they don't know why. :) Like I said, I have the EXACT same problem; if you look into tenses, it should be much easier to understand. :)
Ack, you probably wanted a plot review, didn't you? DX But now my review box is blinking out on me, so I'll make it short. :) You can definately feel the tension and mystery surrounding this girl's past. Make sure that it doesn't border on melodrama, but besides that, looks like it's going well! :)
Stanleylouis (returning a review from the Roadhouse :D)
| Eva Rieycoit chapter 1 . 12/29/2010
I love the way you've written your summary! I think it's really beautiful and succinct, and really encourages the readers to read on.
Love the cliffhanger at the end as well. Makes people wonder why her name has been changed and all.
The flashback was also interesting and was well-balanced between description and dialogue! :)
| paynt chapter 1 . 12/28/2010
Though it jumps around a little and I had to read it a couple of times to get the jest of it, this was pretty good.
You do very well at explaining what's taking place around Diana, though I was a bit confused. I'm guessing with the '...' you're going back and forth from past and present?
When I first read it I was a bit confused as to what was happening. One moment I'm reading on how Diana is with her grandma getting her name changed to all of a sudden a fire in the kitchen. Lol. That's why I reread it, I was thinking I missed something, but now I see that was intentional and I can see the story more clearly now.
Overall I really enjoyed it. Though I'm not overly big on first person, this was very well written and you expressed the character's way of thinking and emotion nicely.
Thank you for taking the time to review my story and take care!
| Zie chapter 1 . 12/27/2010
Hmm...I'm a little confused, but you said that the vagueness is intentional, so I'll leave that there. I'm not so sure about some of your verb choices. "A cough -briefed- my eyes to open." I'm not sure what you're trying to say. Also, "Instead, it -brought- me back..." where a more appropriate word may have been -took- or -sent-. "You don't HAVE to -pull- through with the process." It's more common to say -go-, though if this is simply the way Grandma Olivia speaks, then never mind. Also, with the memory, since it's italicized and otherwise set apart from the story, I believe that you need only use past tense rather than bother with past perfect.
Anyway, now for the brighter side. I'm very interested to see what happened besides that her mother tried to kill her. It sounds like the backstory will be quite an interesting one. Of course, I also look forward to seeing the future. Whatever romance is in store is sure to be beautifully described. I enjoyed it, and feel that it's off to a wonderful start!