|Reviews for The Messenger|
| Lord Slayer chapter 1 . 12/29/2010
It's not bad, but it still could use a lot of work.
Quite a lot of errors. For example, near the end of the first scene you called a sheath a hilt. There're also problem with tense. You keep switching between past and present tense when you should only be writing in past tense, except when necessary in dialogue.
Another thing that you need to work on is going into detail about things. For example, you said that Remelia was able to demonstrates strong power with magic and qi in science but you don't tell us how.
This might just be me, but you seem to be giving the Golden Night Order more credit than they deserve. I'd think it'd be abundantly clear, to Aimu (without Raiten having to tell her) that the GNO is something that they shouldn't rely on to get them out of bad situations, especially since the GNO's main mode of operation is to draw as little attention to themselves as possible. Natalie and the others are supposed to be Aimu's first line of defesne, and the GNO would likely only step in directly as a last resort. Besides, I'm fairly certain that it was Aimu whop taught Natalie how to meditate to use her powers, not the GNO.
On a lighter note, though, Raiten is an interesting character, and you seemed to have everyone's personallities down pretty well. I guess the main thing is to proof-read more carefully before you post.
| CrazyNinjaPenguin chapter 1 . 12/24/2010
Not a bad oneshot. it was long, but hardly dull.
My favorite part (perhaps unsurprisingly) was the sex. Futa on trap stuff is quite hot to me, and you made quite the hot scene there. Made even hotter by there being two futa girls to one trap. Cum inflation isn't a real turn on of mine, but it doesn't really bother me much either. Here it was actually kind of fun. I had actually kind of wished the sex had gone on just a little longer, but that's not a fault, just me wanting more.
Elsewhere, it seemed pretty good too. Rabukurafuto's characters for the most part came across as in character as far as I could note. Raiten seems like a decent addition to things (and Remilia a much appreciated addition...).
Overall, good work.
| Rabukurafuto chapter 1 . 12/24/2010
After hearing for so long about this story, it is excellent to finally see it. I am pleased to see Natale, Aimu, and the other girls again. Raiten was a surprise, and it is the most detailed portrayal of him so far, which is very useful for me since I want to include him in a story at some point in the future.
I want to address some problems first though. The spelling was rather awkward throughout. On every page there seemed to be at least one small mistake. I keep saying that the word Memuma is not canon any more, except possibly as the Emu word for Succubus. You should have asked me more about replacing the word sooner. Miraju is not subservient to Raiten either; she does not officially work for anyone in Remuran, and this is shown when she spoke casually to Rubihatsu. Also, Natalie in her dream could keep her penis or could lactate if she wished too; they could do almost anything they wish to their own bodies, although I suppose Raiten would be powerful enough to force changes upon them against their will if he meant to.
I was very glad about the rest of story though. Seeing Raiten and the Syndicate of Darkness is very important. I want to see more of them in the future so I may write about them eventually. The mention of Tara Niou is something I wanted to do myself, but I was not sure how to do it. Misshura's brief appearance was good too, I thank you for that. Sumudan was very surprising, and it looks like something important was set up. The sex was very appealing, although it was shorter and less abnormal than I expected. I should have some freakier dream sex in future stories to show how strange it can become.
A very good effort. I am quite pleased with it.