Reviews for Lure
the sun softly smiles chapter 1 . 12/27/2010
Hmm, this is pretty good, but there are a few things I'd suggest you think about revising as far as your punctuation goes: first of all, your use of an interrobang (at the ends of lines two & four) seems almost melodramatic and more suited to an instant messaging conversation than a poem, and does not really lend anything to the piece. If you wanted to express more intensely your frustration/exasperation, I'd suggest using literary devices that are more common to poetry, such as metaphors, similes, and other figurative language; if that was the case, it would make the piece more like art and less like a diary entry that spells everything out to the reader. Secondly, the way that you end each line with a full stop makes the flow of this rather stilted, breaking up thoughts and making it a bit awkward to read. I'd suggest using some commas, dashes, even ellipses; these would create a better flow and rhythm and also make your thought patterns easier to follow.

Hope those suggestions were helpful & that I didn't sound like a pretentious jerk - I'm just trying to help :)

In any case, the subject matter is still very heartbreaking and I am sorry about it :/ things will get better! Keep your chin up and keep working on your poetry! :D

- Leila