|Reviews for Luna in Winter|
| Jenny Sue chapter 1 . 12/28/2010
Nice opening! Defintitely makes me want to read on, and find out more about what the flip is going on here. Luna seems like an interesting.
I have a few pointers...
Tere was quite a lot of description, which slows the pace a bit. For example, "shining, vivacious auburn hair" - there's three adjectives in front of the noun. 'Vivacious' is a great word though, so kudos for that.
Also, some of your dialogue was punctuated incorrectly, with commas when there should have been full stops ("Hn, your own arrogance never surprises me anymore," Letting out a sigh...etc) or unnecessary capitals in the speech tags ("Looks like I win again," The man of eighteen years murmured...). It's hard to explain correct punctuation but I find this guide quite good when I'm stuck:
And lastly, there were quite a lot of semicolons, not all of which needed to be there. "Minutes passed; feeling like hours" should be connected by a comma because they're two independent clauses. I find this guide pretty useful (and funny) when I'm unsure about using semicolons: /comics/semicolon
However, these are just quibbles about punctuation, and the concept and characters seemed very good. I hope this has been constructive and not too pedantic! I look forward to reading more (: Good luck, and happy writing,
| Anon chapter 1 . 12/28/2010