Reviews for A Superhero Story
Kristin Li chapter 2 . 2/6/2011
You have impressive dialogue. It captures the emotions of your characters well. I also like how you wrote the conversation between Scott and Robert. I could definitely imagine myself in Robert's head, experiencing the awkwardness of the whole thing.

Joe seems like an asshole. I can't say I take much of a liking to him. I do like how Robert is starting to have compassion for Scott.

Judging your between your first chapter and your second chapter, you remain extremely consistent with your characters. It is easy to follow Robert and his emotions.
Kristin Li chapter 1 . 1/27/2011
Opening/Ending-I like your opening. Very rarely do you see stories open with dialog. I also like how you used the question to reveal a lot about the character. Immediately I get a sense of who he is. As for the ending, I like how you ended with humor.

Character-This story is long. Even so, other than the opening paragraph, you don't spend a lot of time revealing the main characters personality. To be honest, I have mixed feelings about him. I do not find compelling to read about, but I do find him easy to relate to. His reaction to certain events like falling, and the question of the interview, seem real-not dramatic, nor overly calm, which is actually something I really like about him. As for the rest of the characters none of them are interesting except for Scott Williams(which I find to be a funny name, because I know a boy named William Scott) I am compelled to read more about him, and actually care about him.

Plot-The superhero thing is compelling enough to make the story readable, and for the most part, it has nice flow. As a reader I am curious to know more about cape boy. The premise of this is very original and unlike anything I've ever read.

Writing/Enjoyment- The dialog is nice & flows well, but the rest of the writing doesn't really stand out for me. There are little details I enjoyed reading about like how cape boy wears a white t-shirt because he doesn't have a logo yet, and the description of his hair. That being said, it was far from the worst story I read. I enjoyed reading it, I just wish it wasn't so long. (Which is not be taken personally, FP website isn't exactly reader friendly in my opinion, so it makes it difficult to read longer pieces in one session.)
Midori Ushi Law chapter 2 . 1/10/2011
Ah. How do I begin a in-depth review on such a story. Please don't take my noobie review structure too seriously. I loved this chapter. It's just hard to follow what I say without some sort of organization.

-Writing: A Superhero Story is one I seriously was skeptical about reviewing after seeing how long these chapters all were (Because I'm a slow reader as it is), however it was worth every second of my time to dissect the multiple messages you placed in the chapter. Your style of writing is youthful. It's similar to stories I read, when I used to hang out in the manga section of this website. This is not a bad thing at all. It was a relief to read something with that feel that actually carried messages behind the style.

-Grammatically/Spellingly (spell check says that's not a real word lol) this story was flawlessly written. I didn't see any tense fluctuations. I didn't catch any funky sentences. There were no spelling errors that I noticed. Nothing distracted me from the story at hand, and I love that about experienced writers. When there are a low % of errors, the story flows so much better. Thanks for taking to time to proofread and make your story so readable.

-The CHARACTERS are pretty animated. This goes back to the manga-style writing that I caught onto. I like Robert's character. I was instantly placed into his shoes and feeling the same emotions he felt, when he spoke to Scott again. I felt the disgust, embarrassment and anger he felt when his friend messed with the Superhero and hit on the hott chick. How could I compete if my friend was a lawyer and I was working at a cash register? The main character isn't overly macho, but rather a simple loser that anyone can relate to. We all have been or are losers from time to time.

-Enjoyment? How could I not enjoy such a story? Man, I loved the dream segment. Either it gave some foreshadowing of something to come, or it was just nicely placed randomness. Either way, I believe that was my favorite part of this story. I did like how when Rob first spoke to Scott on the bus, there were different ways of "saving" people that the typical Superheroes usually don't do. (Well, Maybe The Flash, but the rest of them do only the big crimes). You made me feel comfortable reading this story, so I happily experienced it. Thank you for that.
Rainbow35 chapter 1 . 1/7/2011
I liked Robert's mother, she reminds me of my grandmother with the way she doesn't understand technology and mixes up names. :)

I also liked Cape Kid, he seems socially awkward, but he clearly means well.

I thought it was really funny at the end when Lisa just says: "You're wearing a Dora the Explorer Band-Aid.".
Nicki BluIs chapter 1 . 1/3/2011
I remember the Superhero short story. It was for WCC if I'm not mistaken. I'm glad you chose to expand it.

The premise of the story is good and quite unique. The execution could be bit more polished and engaging, however. There is a disproportionate amount of narration to action. The whole chapter was very expository. This slows the pace of the story and makes it difficult to capture and keep the readers' attention. An example of this is the conversation between Joe and Robert that Robert says occurred. It would have been much more interesting to witness the exchange.

Some of the sentences are unnecessarily verbose. For example in [Something that seemed peculiar to me was that he never broke his gaze from the window, even when people entered and exited the bus or when a businessman dropped his briefcase on the floor with a loud bang.] everything before "he never broke..." can be deleted. Robert is the first person narrator so it is obvious that everything is in his perspective or opinion. No need to reiterate that. Furthermore, the readers can decide for themselves if the caped person's action are peculiar. No need to spell it out for them.

The characterization of Robert's mother is quite good but be careful about defining an entire person with only one feature. The description of Lisa's purple eyeshadow is redundant. Even if eyeshadow was "her thing" giving her a different color each time would at least add variety. Either way, such repeated features point to a shallow or one-dimensional characterization.

There are few spots where the word choice was iffy but otherwise this is a solid chapter.

Good luck with your story :)

Nicki BluIs
alcibiaquilades chapter 3 . 1/2/2011
Another great chapter. :D

I like the realism of how things never really seem to go as planned when it comes to love (/pretty much anything in life really!) and you portrayed this very well with the awkwardness between Sheila and Roebrt at the end.

I've no idea where the plot is going but I'm enjoying it a lot anyway. It's really interesting to see how Robert is beginning to overcome his embarassment of being around Scott, getting used to people listening to their conversations etc.

Overall very good and I look forward to reading more,

-Lelegeia x
Whirlymerle chapter 1 . 1/1/2011
I love the way in which you portray your characters. Off the bat, I could see how Robert is very down to earth, if a little awkward. He is really relatable. Same with the way Sheila blows a bubble with her gum and her remark at the end, I could totally visualize everything, and see how sassy she is. Excellent writing!

I think your idea with the super heroes is really innovative. Scott/Cape Kid is hilarious.

Great job!
alcibiaquilades chapter 2 . 1/1/2011
Another great chapter!

I like how the time-scale for this chapter was much shorter than the first one, allowing for more depth (ah, that wasn't meant to sound as if I didn't like the time-scale of chapter one...because I did). It gave me the feeling that the plot was really beginning to take hold.

Ohh you've made me dislike Joe enormously, which is good because I'm feeling empathetic towards Robert. I hope Robert finds some way to get his own back? Although nothing vicious, just embarassing lol.

Anyway I'm really enjoying this story and shall look forward to the next chapter.

-Lelegeia x
alcibiaquilades chapter 1 . 1/1/2011
Good story. You have a nice style of writing, especially the dialogue, that is natural and easy-to-read. I also found that your characterisation through use of dialogue was well done as I really got a sense of his mother with only the short telephone conversation to go on.

I noticed a few grammar mistakes here and there. For instance the extra fullstop in '"You must be Lisa, right.?"' and the absence of 'a' in 'that interview I did for them while ago?'. Generally, however, the quality of writing was excellent and made for a good read. As we clearly follow different philosophies on comma-usage I'll stay quiet on that front!

You have a real talent for making your story realistic and believable - slipping in little details and conversations (as an example, his chat with Mrs. Finnegan) that help to develop Robert's character and flesh the story out around the plot. Another way you make the story realistic is by keeping Robert's focus split between many things (his work, his mum, Joe, Cape Kid...) just as it would be in real life.

The scene that sticks out the most in my mind is actually near the beginning when he leaves the interview. His anger really showed through and gave me a great sense of his character, which was great so near the start of the story.

Overall I enjoyed this chapter and am interested to find out how the plot develops.

-Lelegeia x
this wild abyss chapter 2 . 12/31/2010
I really like how you balance the superhero side of the story with the more real-lifey aspect because it gives the piece a more cohesive feel and doesn't bog down the reader with just one side of the plot. I also really like how Scott calls Robert by the wrong name. It really shows off the superhero side of his character.
this wild abyss chapter 1 . 12/29/2010
First off, I really like the title you've chosen for this piece. It's really simple, but effective, and from what I've read so far, I thought it suited the story.

The characters, Sheila and Cape Kid especially, were extremely well-done throughout this piece. Both of them gave off a strong first impression, and as a reader I would like to know more about them and see what roles they play in future chapters.

The down to earth style of writing you chose for this piece worked well for the story, I thought. It helped set off Robert's emotions and character as the narrator, and also reflected the title.

The pacing here was also excellent. I felt that the story flowed along in a natural progression, and that you spent just the right amount of time on the details and enough on exposition. Great work!

Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed this piece. You hooked me in with the engaging plot, unique characters, and interesting style. I thought it was wonderful.