Reviews for Portrait of a Girl and Gramophone
ColdCedric chapter 1 . 3/7/2011
At first I was thinking it should rhyme. Then after I read it again and again. It sound of a tragedy...and a good one as well.

I kinda agree with Noir Schist. Some of the lines are deep sadness. I can simply imagine of the scene already. "On snowy day, a little girl begins to play the gramophone." Hehe, I smell of a good short story here.

The ending is okay. Just okay. Better to explain where the girl is living. Overall, it sound well imperative for anyone to read this. Great job, "maganda ng nagsusulat ng poetry. Salamat po"
the prophet apathetic chapter 1 . 1/13/2011
I am going to guess that you might be unsure of it because it is mostly pure imagery. The imagery here is not bad, but most of your work lately has been imagery infused with deeper emotions and personal meanings, which I don't think are present for you here. You were obviously aesthitically inspired and translated that picture to us. Its just not quite the same as writing from personal experience and I don't think it is as easy to make a powerful piece. Just my two cents.
oxytocin chapter 1 . 1/3/2011
The first two lines really set the scene: the alliteration of 'Scratching out soft' gives a sort of vintage tint to everything. I can picture this poem like a photo, a sepia wash over everything, and this is an effect you've created purely through the tone you've used. The motifs of the gloves and the gramophone - two objects that somehow hold so much nostalgia - are really nice additions. The way the sentences hang in mid-air, a little lost, kind of fits the tone of the poem, although usually I think it's more effective if you give the reader some kind of direction by using punctuation. The image of the raven seemed a bit out of place, a sudden image of nature, of the outside, in a poem that definitely focuses on the inside world. Similarly, 'circus megaphone' jars a bit: the gaudy connotations of the colourful circus amongst these soft, vintage objects like gloves and camisoles?

And I do like the ending. The house belonging to your father is, I think, an important detail, and the movement of the sun gives a time-worn feeling to everything. This was a very visually evocative poem; good job.
Noir Schist chapter 1 . 12/31/2010
There's such a sense of melancholic sadness in every line...I could relate perfectly well with it. The expressions of loss and loneliness is great, too.

The lines "My grandmother's gramophone", "My mother's gloves", "My sister's camisole" - they all seem to be the root of the sadness. Am I right to assume that this girl has, in one way or another, lost her family? That's how I interpreted it.

The imagery's great; the lines flow smoothly and easily, reinforcing the sad tone. Though, I thought the first and third stanza had much relation to each other and should have been next to each other since both had the gramophone part in it. That's just my opinion, though.

Great work again! I loved this piece of wonderful poetry~