|Reviews for Breeding Center|
| Asrith33 chapter 10 . 1/6
Please update soon, this is very good!
| Dusty779 chapter 10 . 11/13/2014
| Loracle chapter 5 . 7/7/2014
I must admit that I loved the sexuality in this chapter, and was intrigued by the idea that the overseers or whoever were actually not allowed to break it up. I love the relationship and sexual dynamic in this story; I absolutely do.
| Loracle chapter 4 . 7/7/2014
I loved the bit where he went limp and everybody started talking about him immediately. Well done.
But I didn't feel when I was reading the initial beating Ry'll received that it was enough to justify his wooziness in this chapter. If I were you, I'd go back and milk it just a bit more, to develop more sympathy for him.
I'm quite interested to see the drama regarding the relationships with all these characters. It feels like it'll be fun.
Also, woah! For just a moment, you switched perspectives there. Have Ry'll describe himself, not be described by Unek, unless it's outloud.
| Loracle chapter 3 . 7/7/2014
So cool. I'm excited to see where they go. However...
I mentioned before some concern about the audience not getting why Ry'll is so against this whole thing. You explain it here just fine, but I think by explaining it earlier, you could increase the tension in the audience up until this point.
And this is a bigger concern, and please, don't take offence, but the three gender system seems silly. You basically have a useless gender, the female. They do everything the Skikka can do, but not as well. Why is it necessary to have 3 genders? Could you not simply say that females are becoming rare, and have Ry'll be female? If you'll excuse me for saying this, it seems that the only reason you need this system is to have the story appeal to a crowd interested in homosexual relationships. If that's the case, then I don't think it's worth it to have this confusing breeding system, with the irrelevant female. Just have males and females; it doesn't affect the romance of anything, so far as I can see it. Yes, perhaps you've got more nuanced things happening with this system that I'm not aware of yet, but you should be aware that these objections are crossing your readers' minds. Also, I find myself wondering why the history with the humans is even necessary, based on what appears to be the current conflict on this planet. I assume this comes into play later.
I love how anthro and colourful your characters are! The tails and ears are very cute, and I love them being used as a source of expressions. Just be careful about overusing them, as it may get old quickly if it seems to be overdone.
No, not information overload. Actually, as you can see from everything else, it may be information underload. But it's good that you're aware of the dangers of too much info too fast.
You are the only one here who really knows what Ry'll's character is, so you should have the best sense of if he's acting according to it. Me, I didn't notice anything, but I don't yet consider his character to be clearly defined yet either.
I want Shay to remain his guard. I'm interested in seeing their relationship evolve, though I don't really care how. (Yes, I know I've gotten here so late it's irrelevant, but hey, whatever.)
| Loracle chapter 2 . 7/7/2014
Sorry, but I may have to take back a bit of what I said about the dialogue thing in the previous chapter. You slipped into vague pronouns a bit, meaning that occasionally, it was hard to tell who was talking or reacting. Remember, the audience always assumes that the pronoun they're reading belongs to the last character they were reading about, be it a name or another pronoun. Even if it only makes sense for one character to be doing/saying what they are, the audience may have a brief moment of confusion.
The pace? It didn't feel rushed, though a little more detail here and there couldn't hurt. Perhaps more of his thoughts would be the right way, but don't force it. If, when you're writing it, you don't "hear" him thinking anything, don't make him think anything.
A whiny bitch? Absolutely not; if anything, I view him as a rebellious little punk, as we have no idea what it is he's running from. I'm sure you're doing that intentionally, and it's not necessarily a problem, but it may result in less empathy from the reader than if we knew what exactly, or even generally, it was he was concerned about. I mean, all we know is it's a breeding centre. Does he... not want to breed?
| Loracle chapter 1 . 7/7/2014
Excellent potential! I intend to read this through, and give a comment for every chapter. A bit of a word on introductions: they suck. Just, in general, nobody likes to read the background/setting all at once, because it doesn't feel like they're reading a story; it feels like a history textbook. Do you think it would be possible for you to explain that in little pieces throughout the first few pages, while the story is still happening? Example: "Shay! He's a skika!" Skika. That was the word for my, what, gender? There were 3 on this planet, (name and describe them), and mine appeared to be dying.
Just little tidbits like that, the first most immediate questions the reader is going to ask, and then get into the history of it. This keeps the reader engaged in the story instead of tuning out, and also makes them anxious to here the explanations, now that they're interested in the action.
What didn't I understand? The gender roles. I expect you to explain it better, and if you did it my way their would be no need to have me understand everything immediately, but as it stands, I find the 3 gender system, with two forms of male, confusing. If I were to do a 3 gender race, I would have them as being very distinct, as in, one female, one male, and one neither, just sort of their own thing. She, he, and some other made up pronoun, ze, or something. Actually, the whole intro was a lot to take and understand, which is another reason you should spread it out, so you have more freedom to describe in a natural way, instead of trying to put all this history into a nutshell for us.
Well, I didn't notice any dialogue issues while I was reading it, and that's the most important thing. Your... what would I call it... the methods you use to actually insert dialogue, (not the dialogue itself, but the way the reader gets an idea who is saying what) show a good deal of proficiency. The words themselves... eh. A bit stiff, but I think your ability to sort that out will happen naturally, and quickly, and is mild enough not to be a concern anyway.
Also, another thing I don't understand, as an afterthought. If these are different species, how are they breeding? Am I imagining a humanoid species, or some weird smiley tentacle thing? This needs to be established pretty quickly, as it's something that will alarm the audience if they have the wrong idea.
| TheDomSong chapter 10 . 6/11/2014
I have really enjoyed this story, too bad it has been left unfinished.
| aoizora chapter 8 . 3/18/2014
Two more chapters left and I'm almost afraid to keep on reading.
I love your writing. The characters aren't fully fleshed yet, so it makes me want to know more about them. Ry'll is def. my fav. He's one tough cookie. Please keep writing stories. Your stories make me excited and happy!
| zindragon chapter 10 . 11/22/2013
Amazing This is such a great story! I really really hope to see it done some day soon, i just cant stand not knowing what happens! I punched my wall when i found out it wasnt done...there is a dint in my wall now. lol. Anyway its one of the best storys I have ever read, (and I read alot of storys) it has great character development. I pray you will come back and finish it soon!
| zindragon chapter 10 . 11/22/2013
This is such a great story! I really really hope to see it done some day soon, i just cant stand not knowing what happens! I punched my wall when i found out it wasnt done...there is a dint in my wall now. lol. Anyway its one of the best storys I have ever read, (and I read alot of storys) it has great character development. I pray you will come back and finish it soon! Please.
| Kilian Grey chapter 8 . 8/31/2013
I like the whole teamwork idea. I had forgotten that Shay was such a bully but I'm glad he can provide the proper service, when necessary.
| Kilian Grey chapter 7 . 8/31/2013
It would be hell being around so many alpha male wannabe's.
| crazygurl22 chapter 10 . 8/29/2013
I love this story! I love Ry'll and Sinari, they make a cute pair :) Please please continue soon! This is becoming one of my new favs :)
| JJ chapter 10 . 5/3/2013
Just to say that I have really loved your story so far and I can't wait to see where you are going to take it next!
In particular I am looking forward to when Ry'll meets his mother again as I would like to see how she reacts to the situation, and I would like to find out more about her real motivations.
I love the characterizations of your characters, particularly Ry'll as he is a strong and very likeable character.
In answer to your question in chapter 8 - no the surprise wasn't lame in my opinion, I found it very sweet and I like how they tried to make it someplace where they would feel at home.
Finally I would like to say thank you very much for posting your story, and please don't give up on it :)