|Reviews for The Legend of The Green Guardian|
| Anehalia chapter 4 . 1/12/2011
Personally, I like the green Guardian the best so far, can he win, lol.
I understand you are developing the characters as you go, but so far all of them seem kind of nasty. Maybe they will get better when they are not smashed together.
Can't wait to read the next chapter.
| HeroofEnelios chapter 4 . 1/12/2011
Adventure does begin but Fossier is a bit of a two faced lier. He is probably tricking Dean and Ida just to get his way and I don't like that guy. Uuh. Aren't we glad that the world's fate is going to rest in their hands? Some of us more than others I guess. :)
| HeroofEnelios chapter 3 . 1/12/2011
How does one kill a person who was neither alive nor dead is a great question and one I wonder if it will get answered. I must know! A great, great chapter from this story. Reading more now!
| yoyoyo7789 chapter 4 . 1/12/2011
Hahaha, ah that was pretty clever. I'll give you that. )
Ahem...ok, so we have a couple of things to go through here. Let's begin with the positives, though. I like where the story is going, and in terms of your content...there's nothing I can criticise. The power behind your words is sufficient enough to come up with a successful story, in my opinion. )
However, we both know that it takes more than an everlasting spring of imagination, sub-plots and well made characters to construct a novel. The words, and the sentences they come in, need to be sound. Therefore I'm inclined to tell you that this feels like it was in 'draft mode'. That's what I call stuff when pieces don't fully fit together sometimes; it's also what I call it when a quick proof read will be sufficient to fix all of the problems.
In a nutshell, then...get a couple of people to check this over, and read it outloud to yourself once or twice, and it'll be up to scratch. I won't go through it here, though, as it's very hard to do through a review like this. What I will do is point out that it was the first section, with Ida, which had the problems.
Again, bear in mind that these 'problems' are minimalistic. In every other sense, you're still going strong. Keep up the good work, yeah? )
| yoyoyo7789 chapter 3 . 1/12/2011
Ah, a well timed question. I've found that it's very effective to end a chapter with such a thing; especially if said chapter was already a bit mind-boggling. )
Ahem...alrighty then. You're hitting your stride here. 'nough said, right? No? *sighs* Fine, let's get started haha. In terms of punctuation use, I saw nothing that stuck out this time around. Don't take that as a 'it's perfect', though. You'll probably find stuff to change as time goes on. Never be afraid to experiment with your punctuation use, yeah? )
In terms of the content it was pretty solid; as expected. I won't harp on about that stuff too much though. I like the plot line so far, and I like the direction it's taking. Simple. Keep it up. D
| yoyoyo7789 chapter 2 . 1/12/2011
A clever continuation lined with a thin, well placed edge of humour. Great! )
Ahem...alrighty, let's get right into it. First of all, I have to disagree with some of the reviews that you've been given. The amount of description here is fine. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that adding much more would completely disintegrate the accessibility of your writing style.
Moreover, I believe that the introduction of these characters was handled with an edge of expertise. It was fun; it was interesting; it was clever. I can't speak in terms of character development abilities, of course, as your characters haven't had the time to develop yet. However, what I can say is that your character introduction abilities are phenomenal. )
In terms of improvements, I feel that the punctuation has been used to better effect this time around. However, there are still a couple of tweaks that can be made in terms of syntax (sentence structure) and variation of different punctuation for different effect. For instance...
"He was an old man, at least, he seemed so to two lads of nineteen."
...you would be better off replacing the first comma with a semi-colon. It would create the right sense of emphasis, and fluidity, to the right places.
Additionally, I think you should place a "the" in between "to" and "two", just to make it clearer, and removes that jittery interruption. Say it outloud to yourself, and you'll see why the two identical sounding words will interupt the flow when used one after the other. Of course, thsi is only my opinion. You're the writer; if you don't agree, then you're free to argue the point. )
Once again, this was a great lil piece of writing. D
| yoyoyo7789 chapter 1 . 1/12/2011
A positively gripping opening! Awesome. D
Ahem...hey there! I'm gonna be taking on the hefty challenge of reviewing you work today; but there are a couple of things you need to bear in mind before I begin.
Number one - if I sound harsh, don't take it personally.
Number two - if I sounds complimentary, don't let it get to your head.
Haha, now that we have that sorted...I'll begin by saying that, for the most part, your writing style is sound. You create a vivid atmosphere; one which I found was easy to slip into, and get wrapped up in. The narrative style was accessible; the main character was relatable, and very human, and the emotion was ripe. A tough flurry of effects to create - even for the best of writers. )
However, I feel the need to tell you that, at times, the punctuation could be used more effectively. What you've done isn't bad, or anything; but it could be improved even further. Every tiny tweak helps, right? )
Anyways, I want to make it clear that this has left me wanting more. Brill! D
| Anehalia chapter 3 . 1/11/2011
I like the way your story is going, and it is interesting and different, but once again I must say your chapters felt short. Maybe I read too fast and need to be slapped over the head because they are perfect length, but I felt as if something was lacking/missing. I would call it the vital spark that causes your characters to come alive. i think at the moment your characters feel very 2d and you haven't spent much time developing them. I think this is the detail that I want you to have. I think your story would feel less choppy to me and more detailed if the charcters were better developed and you took more time with them.
| roxyideman chapter 2 . 1/11/2011
Dean stabbed a beet with his fork and let the juices bleed out onto his plate. "Death,"
Man I loved that line!
Your style is perfect and the length of the chapters is ideal.
WRITE ON! (otherwise the gates of hell will open... no, just kidding xD)
| blank-nolongerinuse chapter 2 . 1/11/2011
Oh, absolutely adore your writing style, such a pleasure to read! Love it so far, though perhaps Chapter 2 could do with a little more detail :)
Can't wait for the next update!
| Anehalia chapter 2 . 1/10/2011
looks interesting. Its a little confusing in the wording though and needs more detail in the second chapter, also stretching out the intro would be nice.
| HeroofEnelios chapter 2 . 1/10/2011
Again I say it, this is talent and I like the style of this story, unpredictable and very entertaining. This chapter is very good, and I like it so far. Great, great job!
| HeroofEnelios chapter 1 . 1/10/2011
A very unique writing style and I like how this is written, it seems very unpredictable and would be very attracting I believe as a book in a store. That said this is a great start and I think you have a talent for writing.
| roxyideman chapter 1 . 1/10/2011
I absolutely love your style. It's simple and yet descriptive and unique. And that is a very interesting start. Post more soon! And never underestimate your writing ;)