Man, this story is good. The first chapter with the introduction had me skeptical, but the second hooked me. I love how long the chapters are (maybe a little -too- long? I can barely manage three before becoming drowsy), and how you developed some of the characters so far.

Personally, however, the main character is starting to feel like Gordon Freeman, and that puts me off. Short responses, almost detached and indifferent. Makes it feel as if all this supposed contentment and happiness is fake... Though I suppose its a little late, considering you have about 40 chapters up. Oh well. Here's to hoping!

I started reading this chapter when i woke up this morning and it was really lovely and peacefull. Great way to start the day!

It would be a little weird, the feeling of being able to be watched all teh time. But seriously, who would bother? I think its one thing if people in power can watch others, and make critical decision based on that exclusive knowledge, but when the knowledge isn't exclusive, when anyone can watch anyone, its less of an issue I think. Kinda like Santa claus is watching, lol. Just reminds you to be good ;)

Am very jealous of teh art. and so nice that he's made a friend too :) Great chapter.

Isn’t Lee curious about how the clothes machine works? Where does the thread go in, or is there no thread? He is easily distracted… ;)

I like that you have to die to leave too, that's a nice touch. and teh descriptions of teh moons were beautiful.

“He tasted it and said, "Um, yes.": I don’t think you need ‘and said’. Consider: "He tasted it. “M, yes.”

Will the bots provide the conflict? I do find them creepy. but I guess malfunctioning bots just get deactivated and creepy people go to another planet.

I like the name Kentucky - it seemed just like Kentucky to me, haha.

And its cool that they can go to uni. good to see what they do, in teh long term. but my favourite bit was talking about thether planets. it totally makes sense to me that family go to different planets!

Very interesting world you've created here. When you said it was virtual reality, i had an image of their actual bodies being somewhere else, and what's described taking place in cyberspace. But the more i read the more i'm thinking that's not the case, because Lee doesn't seem to feel teh need to ask that question. So are their minds part of of a virtual realty that feels real? or have they really actually created this world? (Or should i just read on to find out ;) )

I like how you've got different worlds for different people: i can't imagine someone who grew up in teh tropics would think much of Lee's Heaven, and probably vice versa. will they feel curious about teh other worlds, and recreate themselves there for a bit, just to confirm they are in the best one?

Some really interesting ideas here, and in gerneral teh writing carried the story along well. occasionally I got a little impatient at the pace, feeling like questions weren't being answered quickly enough, but at the same time it kinda made sense because time doesn't mean so mch for them. I like how Lee decides to go with the flow because the only other alternative is to freak out - my preferred alternative would be to pin Scott down under a barrage of questions, lol!

my only other critique would be to consider introducing a conflict in this chapter - though it was interesting, teh lack of hook or conflict, or teh seed of one (did I miss it?) leaves me wondering waht teh rest of teh story will be about? just sitting in a coffee shop discussing physics? will read on and see where what teh beef is.

Couple of typos:

"He smiled at me fondly from young man's face" missing an 'a'?

"Umm hmm." I said emphatically. The sight was entrancing - idyllic. "What is this Scott?" I finally asked." comma rather than full stop after hmm. Comma before Scott. I don't think you need the "I finally asked." it's evident by teh way you've built teh text.

“The philosopher's think it might have been his invention." Philosophers? or is there only one? ;)

Ooh, sounds like an interesting journey! with a vaguely Matrix feel about it too... you've got me wondering. how to deal with waste etc... Looking forward to seeing where you go with this :)

Something seems fishy to me. Too many special things are happening with Lee. He's too good at everything. You are a good enough writer that I think you would avoid having a Marty Stu, so I am inclined to think there's someting deeper at work here.

Well, that certainly clears up a few questions. So, what I'm understanding is that, procella amoris is a state of being in which a person reaches after a long time of being in another of the opposite sex's company? If that's the case, if it takes such a long time, just to have sex, why make it so difficult? XD

I mean, they can't eliminate it, but they make it so much more a journey. Aah, like the case with the companion, Elka. Urgh, I think I am understanding completely wrong, I just don't get it. Explain, please!

Wait a minute! O_O" They don't have anus's? XD But that food, it's re-Oh, wait. Bodies are rewired different. :\ But... everything poops. Except plants and bacteria. *can't wrap mind around it* How can the body possibly destroy that material it doesn't need? Or does the body consume EVERYTHING that goes in it? Can they eat rocks? Oh, man, I'd like to see that.

And don't forget the lesbians! XD What about strap-ons? Sure, it's not real sex, but you still have to take that in consideration.

Also, on the same thread, if say, you wanted to be reborn a different sex, would you still be you, or would you be a different person altogether? Would the mind function in the gender it was born to on Earth, or would it be that of the opposite gender? I'm guessing the former, according to what Sam said, but I'm pretty clueless.

Poor Lee! Will he ever be able to get himself under control? xD

I did enjoy the chapter, very informing, and it had its humourous bits. :)

Velvet.

D'aww, they're too sweet. I hope Karen will be all right with herself. She seems fine, but you never know with situations like hers.

["I love you, to."] *too. It just stuck out since it was a pretty significant line.

["I mean – that means the festivities are over for the night."] For the night? XD I hope it is explained how long this will go on. Forever? Aah! And what about his wife? When she gets there... what if she does the same thing Lee did? And then it's just one big messy love triangle. :\

I hope that doesn't happen. XD

Velvet.

Well... this is certainly an interesting turn of events. I'm actually not sure what to make of it. o: So, is this going to happen every time Lee sees Karen? xD

Oh! Why were the people created in such a fashion that it would be hard for them to reach porcella amoris? And if it was simply so that there would be no "best friends" as mentioned in a previous chapter, why create them with an ability to experience such an intense state of love?

Also, (sorry, I had these questions as I was reading, but then that last scene side-tracked me. xD) if Lee loves Karen in the most profound sense, what does that mean concerning other people? Won't he hold them at a lower level? Though, that's kind of the same question with the "best friends" one. :\

Oh! This one just came to me, haha! If this question is offensive, I apologize ahead of time, but is this procella amoris only reserved for feelings between a man and woman, or does it extend to two people of the same sex?

I did pre-read/skim over the next chapter, and I'm actually kind of edgy about sex scenes, but I'll still review. xD

Velvet.

Pretty cool globe thing. Huh, could he spin it back to when the planet was being created, or is that against the rules? o: It would seem pretty awesome.

Lee's classes sound fun. His first one, with Fred... it's only going to be Lee and Fred? I'd like a class where it was just one on one. I sure would learn a lot more, a lot more quickly.

Also, another question, when Hannah asked Nancy if she was a bot... Do the bots know they're bots? o.O It'd seem pretty unfortunate if they didn't. I'd hate to think I was real, only to be told I wasn't. Or maybe their robot minds can't conceive reality. Hmm.

A very interesting chapter. Good work!

Velvet.

Hah, so they see the other planets with those telescopes? That's wicked awesome. They must be pretty high powered. So, do the planets have gravity, or anything like that? Cause I wonder how they don't pull each other in. xD

It would seem Lee and Karen are getting a little frisky, hmm. :P I bet she enjoyed the view. I do feel a bit bad for Lee, though, if he was so white he reflected the sun. XD Good thing he didn't sparkle.

I also didn't know there was a tradition among pilot to rip off shirt tails when you solo. Couldn't they just take their scarves or whatever? Haha!

I liked this chapter. Mostly the telescope bit. I love space. :D

Velvet.

Hah! And you tell me not to look into this story too hard. XD Can't help it when you throw in curveballs like Becky. :P Just kidding. I'm sure she has her reasons, however mysterious they might be. Maybe she's trying to play Cupid or something. Hmm.

And you sure do know a thing or two about planes. Heh, I don't know what half of those technical terms mean, though they do sound like something planes would do. :P

I did like Scott better in this chapter. His conspiratorial tone added that flair to his personality.

I look forward to the next few chapters, specifically to see how the rest of Lee's schedule progresses.

Velvet.

The concept for this is interesting and well handled. The amount of forethought and design put into this by the author is evident. From the cohesive aspect of the narrative to the intricate details of the setting, this is beautiful.

However, from a literary standpoint, this is not the best of starts. Thus far, you have basically answered any questions the reader would have had regarding the setting and timeframe, leaving them with no hook into future chapters. To maintain interest, one should always leave a bit of information off until the climax comes around.

On that same not, there is not established conflict here. From here, I can only see the narrator exploring the new reality he’s found himself in and learning how to deal with it. It’s not much of a conflict, and to be honest, it may get boring long before the story has run its full course. In the preface you stated that this wasn’t truly meant to be a novel, yet I see no reason why you couldn’t turn it into one. Just from this opening chapter, you’ve done an excellent job of establishing potential plot-line.

The writing itself was excellent. It suited the narrator and the setting and engaged the reader’s information. However, the main issue with it is your excessive use of dashes. In about 95% of the places you used them, they are unnecessary and make a good sentence choppy by interrupting the natural flow of things. You might want to go back and take a look at those, because it was extremely distracting to me as a reader.

On the whole, though, this was an fresh and new piece of work, and I’m glad to have read it.

[EDITS]

“I breathed a rested sigh.”

- Why not just say ‘I sighed’ and leave off with the rest? It’s unnecessary.

“But [it] was not my bedroom and my wife wasn't there”

- What is ‘it’? A room? Bed? Field? By not giving a concrete definition to this character’s position, you cannot say ‘it’. Rather, ‘this’ is more appropriate. As in, ‘This place was not my bedroom’

“I strained for a memory – but nothing came.”

- Leave off the dash and use a comma.

“He smiled at me fondly from young man's face”

- ‘He smiled at me fondly from [a] young man’s face’

“I clamped my jaw against a wave of vertigo that seemed about to roll the room on its side.”

- Awkward wording here.

-‘I clamped my jaw shut against a wave of vertigo as the room seemed to roll on its side’ or ‘I clamped my jaw shut as a wave of vertigo seemed to roll the room on its side’

“He put his hand on my arm. His touch was a comfort. I managed an uncertain smile.”

- These three sentences are short and choppy. Why not combine them?

- ‘He put his hand on my arm, and I managed an uncertain smile at his comforting touch.’

“I blurted – then began to weep lightly in spite of myself - my mind a confused amalgam of sadness and fear.”

- Leave off both dashes and use commas in their places.

“I tried to smile and couldn't.”

- Wrong conjunction.

- ‘I tried to smile, [but] couldn’t’

“You're perfectly okay - I promise. I went through it too and I know.”

- Both sentences have problems, so I’ll correct them as one.

- ‘You’re perfectly okay[,] I promise. I went through it too[,] and I know.”

“Be passive, take it in - trust me”

- Leave off the dash and use a period or a comma.

“The sight was entrancing - idyllic.”

- Leave off the dash and use a comma.

“[By-the-way], I want to thank you”

- The bracketed word should be separated into three words.

Nuu! D: Not squirrel! ;_; *disapproves* xD

You know, I really, really, really like how Karen and Lee play off each other. They bring the others personality to the forefront the more they talk and interact. The conversations never seem stale or forced and the responses, whether verbal or nonverbal, all appear genuine. Good job with that.

Scott is still kind of flipping back and forth with me. At one point he is Scott O'Sealle whatever the rest I can not remember (XD), and then at another he is simply Scott the businessman. Too impersonal to get a real handle on. Sometimes I feel he never relaxes. :\ Like, even though he is Lee's friend, it's like he's Lee's friend because someone said he had to be. He seems really at ease with the bots, though, I've noticed. But he's just so tense around Lee.

The car scene was a great scene for Scott, but usually I find he's not like that. :\

I do wonder about all these things that they do, though. Like, the flying and painting and stuff. To what end? Is it simply to live and meet loved ones? Or to live forever? Who wants to live forever? Aah! I think I'm doing that thing I do where I start questioning everything. xD It's just so confusing to me. Why do all this? Why? What are they doing it for? Whom are they doing it for?

Or is this one big Matrix mind-screw in which the government is playing games? o:

Yeah, I'm definitely doing that thing.

Velvet.