|Reviews for The Idyll of the Toad and the Princess|
| SCopySCat91 chapter 1 . 1/22/2011
Opening- I feel that you could have done better. The ending was interesting, but the wording made me not want to read on
Ending- The truth is, I found it rather disturbing, but this is a good thing if that's what you where aiming for. It does make me curious about the rest of your writing
Scene- It starts here-Now eager, his free arm traversed the pathway from his slender torso and slid along the folds of the sheets that rose and fell in time to warm, wet, breathing- and ends at bulging oaken eyes. I liked this part because it started rather tenderly and then got- odd
Dialogue- I disliked the dialouge. It is confusing and conflicting
- Characters- I couldent relate with them at all. they felt empty and underdeveloped
- Relationships- The relationship is perfectly reasonable. It is rather violent however. That irked me.
- Writing- The word choice was too uptight, as if you feared being childish.
- Enjoyment- Personaly, I couldent get into this style of writing. i found myself dozing off
| thewhimsicalbard chapter 1 . 1/21/2011
As I read, I notice that in the paragraph that begins "Rise up, you bonnie bollocks," you change the PoV from Wallace to that of the girl. Bad writer! Bad! No treat for you!
"Staretot" in the second paragraph should be "stare to".
I don't feel like the bits in parentheses are necessary; I find them rather distracting, which is unfortunate. I do believe the part of the story where the parentheses keep interrupting my reading one of the high points of the story. I'd rather like to have read it unimpeded. Also, that first bit - "(realization enters stage right)" - switches to third person unlimited. When you do your revisions on this, you absolutely MUST write from a consistent PoV.
You repeat the phrase "Dublin proletariat" twice in a row.
I have two pieces of advice for you. First, you need more sentences. You're trying to cram too much into one line, and if I can't read anything you write, that means there's only about... two people who I've met on this site who can. Consider the following construction:
"It traversed the Hiberno-British-concavity with vigor, draped the budding face in a layer of transparent froth while simultaneously wiping away the slime gathered from the muck of the amphibian Dublin proletariat."
It's not too difficult to figure out what the words mean:
"She licks his face, and it is disgusting to watch." That much is clear, if you read VERY slowly. However, most readers will enjoy a quick fix too. It comes back to the same thing you and I spent hours talking about that one day - it's hard to read your piece on the surface and get much out of it. It seems like a big mess of words (which it only is sometimes).
A good character study, though it isn't the same impression that I got of Wallace from the Patrick Mathers short story. My previous impression of Wallace was one of a short little bulb of a man who wore suits that didn't quite fit, who worked a job he didn't quite understand, and who drank - less than Mathers but more than he claimed. Here, he's off his rocker. Maybe you could work on the character consistency across your stories a little bit.
Strong work, though. I'm impressed with the prodigious vocabulary, as always. Someday I'd like to see you use simple words, though. Try it. Small sentences can echo in the soul over distances unimaginable.
Laundry's done. Gotta move loads around. Get thou to work on your novel.