|Reviews for One Golden Morning|
| Ioga chapter 1 . 11/29/2011
Hi, have no idea how I wandered into this story, but was probably someone's favourites.
I liked this piece, particularly for allowing the interpretation "he's dead, she takes a while to remember it, and dies of a broken heart, at which point they're reunited". The dead partner's "stay with me, baby" is wonderfully selfish when turned around like this. :D
I have no typos to report, although I have to agree that "it almost doesn't bother me first" in the start had me wondering what exactly doesn't bother her. The world's brightness and the warm sheets? The 'it' feels like an uninitialized pointer to randomness.
In a random note, I spotted a "shapeshifter, dragon and a psychic walk into a bar" piece advertised in the profile and was instantly mesmerized. See my "What Really Happened": I completely agree that telepathic dragon shapeshifters are by nature of the win! ;) (I don't have a bar though, and they're not really psychic as such either, sorry about that. And they're not really saving the world.) Do let me know when the so far unnamed collab piece gets posted! I absolutely love shifters of different shapes.
Thanks for this!
| Luridpretty chapter 1 . 8/28/2011
First off, your description is wonderful. You really painted a vivid picture of this warm, perfect morning. Your tone sets the stage perfectly, building surprise, sadness, and suspense. You did a perfect job of shifting the moods around.
The flow is flawless. It worked so well, the way you built up the story and then sprung the ending on the reader. I enjoyed this very much, it's short and sweet, but shocking. It was the ending that really got me, especially the last words: "I won't if you won't". Great work.
| berley chapter 1 . 3/29/2011
I’m not a huge fan of first person present tense, and I’m telling you this because that’s just my opinion and it doesn’t have anything to do with your writing. I just always feel like first person present tense sounds a little awkward, which is why I honestly thought the opening paragraph sounded a little awkward to me.
“But the emptiness grows on my consciousness, an itch between my shoulder blades where his breath used to be.”
- I really like this line, it’s probably one of my favourites in this piece that that’s because of the small detail you included of his breath on the back of her neck. It’s just an awesome way to showing the reader certain details instead of telling them.
First little nit pick: I wasn’t a fan of you using the word ‘glorious’ to describe the sunlight shining. I mean, it’s not a terrible word but personally I find it can sometimes make a writers descriptions sound a bit cheesy and borderline cliché. That could just be a personal thing though, just because whenever I hear the word glorious I always think of Will Ferrel in the movie Old School. “I see the light. It’s glorious!”
Another thing I noticed is your diction throughout the piece. You repeat a lot of words like ‘perfect’, ’sunlight streaming’ and stuff like that, so I would just suggest mixing up your vocabulary a bit, especially with a word like perfect. Again, it starts to make the story sound a little bit cheesy with this girl in her perfect house on this perfect day with the perfect weather.
I personally wouldn’t describe a throbbing in your chest like a wood pecker pecking. I don’t know, that just reminds me of a more shorter sharp pain.
I really liked the twist at the end, and how you did it so subtly at first. It really rounded up the story nicely so that it didn’t have a plain jane “oh, my husband left me and I’m sad’ ending. Good job on that.
Hopefully this helps!
| A. Gray chapter 1 . 3/29/2011
So when you say : I search the house for him, hearing only slight scuff of my socks on the carpet and the birds outside, welcoming the morning., you do mean that she physically searches for him? To me it's a bit confusing because I get that she knows that he's not there, and won't be. I think to me it would be more fitting if she searched for him unconsciously as she moved through the house. She does know that he isn’t there right?
The screen door falls away from me as - This feels odd to me. I see as I read the door falling to the ground rather than swinging open. Maybe "The screen door swings away from me as"?
The shed door rattles loudly as I slide it shut. - I get the impression of her being angry now. Does she still slide the door shut (I think calmly) rather than slamming it shut?
Poignant ending, I think my heart leapt a little as I read it. It was a very Oh! moment.
Does she not feel the pain for the relief of him there? I imagine so, but the ending line "I won't if you won't," I say. leaves a little to be desired to me. She just says it? There's no overwhelming relief? She doesn't choke it out or whisper it due to the pain? I like that you ended it there, but with the sudden shift, and your amazing descriptions throughout the piece I feel like it wasn’t enough.
| this wild abyss chapter 1 . 3/20/2011
"it almost doesn't bother me at first."
- What's 'it'? The fact that the sheets are warm?
I didn't really like the introduction because it was a little sleepy, and for such a short piece, that's probably the last thing you'd want. It would have been better to open the piece with abrupt hook.
However, I thought the twist at the end was very well done. I wasn't expecting it and it certainly vindicated the earlier parts of the piece that had me scratching my head.
From the Review Marathon (link in profile)
| downforthecount chapter 1 . 1/19/2011
This was actually a surprisingly good little piece. The ending was very well done, it surprised me. I liked how the reader did not see it coming. I also really liked how you set it up from the opposite point of view, as though he was the one who had passed on. It was an interesting take. I also thought your language was very beautiful. My favorite lines were "I stop in the kitchen because I'm taken aback by the glorious sunlight streaming in through the windows. It pools on the table and I resist the urge to trail my fingers across the wood as I would on the sea; it's a silly fantasy." Just beautiful.
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 1/17/2011
I really enjoyed the similes and metaphors that you used because it brought the narrative to life, lines like "cozy as a bath" to describe the house in the beginning really lent themselves to adding a wonderfully bit of poetic flair to the voice, and that helped me keep interest as well, especially in awaiting more description.
Wow, that ending was quite a twist, I liked it-the whole thing up to that point was very surreal in description and detail, and I enjoyed how you were able to mend it into a coherent story with characters and plot! That was a brilliant way to end and wrap things up, and it had a snappy good last line I would never consider changing. This was really good for having written it in one go!
| The Lucy Program chapter 1 . 1/17/2011
Oh my GOD! D: That is so SAD! Oh.. :( *sniff*
*wipes away the tears* Okay, so. Anyway, onto the review lol... The story is beautiful with every word. Your imagery is wonderful, and I can clearly see everything that's happening, as well as feel the grief your narrator is feeling. It is so emotionally powerful. Also, the twist at the end brings this story to a very interesting place, and makes your story not only fresh and unique, but adds to the emotional impact. We think, this whole time, and feel melancholy for the woman, and sad that her husband is gone (we presume he's died), and then at the end the truth is so overwhelming you can't help but want to cry. This piece is a phenomenal work of art, and I give you so much applause for this. Way to go. This is going on my favs.
| A Panda Writer chapter 1 . 1/17/2011
Aww this was so sweet!
I liked the emotion in this that I felt as I read it. The ending wasn't expected either :) Good job on making that emotion.
I think this is rather good for just going through it without thinking beforehand. I liked the details you put into it too like all the sunshine and warmth she felt.
I know you are expecting to receive feedback on things that I don't like but I'm not good at giving feedback like that. I always just see the good things in stories... I liked this a lot and I think it is really good.
| Shirin Madavey chapter 1 . 1/17/2011
Hmm. I'm a little bit confused to what is going on. I'm not sure if you are trying to go for a depressed atmosphere or a happy one. When I am reading your description, I feel happy, but once it gets towards the end, I find myself having to adjust from feeling happy to feeling sad. Reading this, I can definitely tell that you didn't know what direction you wanted this to go. The first time I read it, it was a little bit confusing, but I got it the second time around. I think because the pacing is a little bit uneven. The beginning is rather slow, but the ending to me feels very rushed.