|Reviews for The Italian Boy|
| Guest chapter 7 . 10/22/2012
when are you writing your next chapter? i'm loving the story so much! 3
| Guest chapter 7 . 9/8/2012
when is the next chapter coming! ILOVE THIS STORY!
| Watereyes chapter 7 . 8/18/2012
Cute chapter. Ha, I knew something went down between Chase and Quinn. lol Although, I would want to see more emotion from the last chapter being brought into this one. Quinn's gf just said she was okay with him being gay and he's angry with Chase when he says it, but I would want some connection. Some carry through, because at the moment, there seems to be a disconnect. Internal dialogue and thoughts would help a lot at this moment so we can see him struggling.
There were some problems I did find with the chapter. One was Ember's dialogue. I love her characterization, but when it comes to what you have her say, it seems forced. Especially the the last line she says. The "Oh hush..." It just seems to perfect and to unreal. I can't picture anyone actually wording something like that. It sounds fake. Inorganic.
The other part I found murky was Nathan's POV. The lunch table scene was confusing. Since you haven't talked bout those other characters (not including Quinn, Chase, Nathan, and Ember), I'm confused as to who the others are, what they look like. There personalities. That scene works great as a way to let the reader in on the characters' personalities. Nathan says they're all friends, but how? What do they do? Add some jokes, some interactions. Actions, actions, actions! It get's us involved with the characters and fixed in on the setting so we don't see these people as just names. Give them life.
Also, just me, but is 5:33, late? I'm 21 and that's still early in the day, so I can't remember if that was late when I was that age, but it is clunky wording to say "The doorbell rang exactly three minutes late at 5:33." I don't know if the doorbell itself rang late (as in, it was pushed, but didn't ring) or that someone was late and rang the doorbell. I would rewrite, to convey the same feeling, as It was late, 5:33, when the doorbell rang exactly three times. Even then, it sounds odd just writing it.
BUT HURRY UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE! I need more.
| Watereyes chapter 4 . 8/6/2012
So, at first, I thought Chase had cheated on his girlfriend, which would have worked great, but clearly, him and Quinn did stuff...together. Probably sex, or had a relationship. It's laid on too thickly I feel. Especially with the line " I c the way u look at him. We used 2 look at each other like tht. And we bth kno wut happened there." We as the reader know how Quinn feels about Nathan and to say that, well it means that they did stuff together. Idk, personally I liked the cheating scenario, but it's too premature to see where it goes.
| Watereyes chapter 3 . 8/6/2012
They're only freshman? Wow, that threw me for a loop. I think grounding the ending with a real life feeling, i.e., domestic violence, was a great way to make it not cheesy. Keep up the work.
| Watereyes chapter 2 . 8/6/2012
Good start so far. I love the premise and the two characters are beginning to get fleshed out. Which is great, keeps the reader interested. I like how you fixed the pacing from the first chapter. This one is more slowed down and gives the scenes time to flourish and breathe. The last chapter was confusing since there were too many flips between the characters.
I'm a sucker for poetry, so it was beautiful to read that.
I would say, at this point in the story, you need more markers to differentiate the characters. Right now their voices sound so similar (the way they talk, their attitudes, and their likes) that it's difficult to separate them and I get lost as to who is talking. I think this is just to it being early on in the story and from what I see, you have the skills to create unique characters.
One problem, which I think will continue, is the passage of time and narration switch. You use the same symbol to express a different narrator as well as a time skip. This is not a good idea because, as I've read, there might not be a time skip between the different characters. Quite frankly, it's not needed. If you read my Scholarship to Life story, as well as any other story, you see most writers just use double space. The reader understands that time has pasted and since you use tags to differentiate the characters, it's not needed.
Great story. I'm enjoying it and am gonna keep reading.
| Guest chapter 5 . 6/11/2012
BLAAAARGH THERE WAS A CHAPTER AND I NEVER EVEN NOTICED. Aargh. Wait, this hasn't updated in, like, forever. Meh. I'll review anyway.
Yay, you described him! He sounds so adorable. :)
"Hold on, I need to test something. I HAVE A SMALL PENIS." LOL. I died. Wait, why does Quinn speak Italian? Did you cover that earlier? That's the sort of thing you want to make a big deal out of near the beginning of the story to stop your readers from saying, 'Well that was convenient.'
Eh. I can't find anything major to critique, but this review's too short to end it here... Oh, I know! Adverb rant!
It's only bad in one spot (the part where they're talking in Italian), but you use quite a few adverbs in your dialogue tags. You want to avoid this, because... Oh, because Stephen King said so.
"I believe that the road to hell is paved with adverbs, and I will shout it from the rooftops!" Yeah, he actually said that.
But anyway. At best, adverbs just serve as useless fluff words and clot up your prose, but at worst they can be downright annoying. Real live editors and publishers don't like seeing them at all because a lot of amateur writers use them. Thankfully (don't judge, it's late and I'm tired) your adverbs are mostly (shut up) in the fluff stage. Here are a couple:
"'Yes, why?' he replied smoothly." This one isn't too bad. If I had to pick one to keep, it'd be this one, because it does provide some meaning to the dialogue.
"'Oh. Right,' I replied dumbly." Pointless. Try saying 'oh, right' anyway OTHER than dumbly. The voice is already in there with the dialogue, you don't need to explain it.
"'Well...' I started hesitatingly" Yeah, we can tell he hesitates 'cause there's an ellipses after well. (The '...' thing. If you understood that word, you get super duper brain points. :) 'Hesitatingly' is pointless, just like 'dumbly'.
Uh... yeah. Adverbs. It's kinda a weird pet peeve of mine, I guess.
Quinn's so adorable, poor guy! I feel so bad for people who are in denial about their sexuality. It makes me cry a little inside. EMBRACE THE GAYNESS, QUINN! (Is it offensive if I say it that way? Yes? Oops...)
This is TinfoilKnight, just to be safe. It says I'm logged in, but it might be lying to me again.
Update soon! UPDATE, you lazy person! :)
| freddyburn chapter 1 . 6/3/2012
Nice first chapter. Great groundwork laid for the story. really want to read more
| ohsocyanide chapter 5 . 6/2/2012
I have to say, I noticed a lot of tense changing and it sort of takes away from the actual story. I hate having to nitpick and give constructive criticism in reviews, simply because I never know how an author is going to react to what I have to say and that makes me sort of nervous. Then again, if I leave criticism on a story, I obviously care enough to not only read and review but also to point out the minor flaws that take away from a good story with a lot of potential.
OH MY HOLY HORSES. Chase and Quinn? Whaaaaat? (Cue me dying, because I never expected that). This adds so much more drama to the story! I love it!
The fact that Quinn is one of the only Italian-speaking Americans in an American high school is sort of convenient, don't you think? Heh. . . Imagine all the filthy things they can say to each other without other people knowing. *blushes for my random moment of perviness*
The random "dialogue" in bold at the end is endearing in a way. It got a chuckle out of me. :D And hey. . . I'm not sure if you have or not, but check out my story, Do Not Go Softly. I'll love you forever if you do!
Don't keep us hanging on the drama, mmkay? I'll be waiting!
| ohsocyanide chapter 3 . 6/2/2012
THEY'RE ONLY FRESHMEN? WHAT? That was definitely not expected, haha. I don't have much to say, so it'll be really short.
The dialogue between Ember and Nathaniel feels natural. I like it. I'm not sure how I feel about Quinn yet. He seems to contradict himself quite a bit, and I like how there are a lot of different facets to his personality.
| ohsocyanide chapter 2 . 6/2/2012
Your description in this chapter is excellent. Based simply on some of the descriptive techniques you used and the poem at the beginning, it's obvious that you have talent and potential as an author. The pacing is good in this chapter and since I'm a grammar Nazi, I have to say your grammar is still good and I love it.
I'm nitpicking here but that way the story switches POVs so much sort of... Unnerves me, I guess you could say? It's not really even an issue, just something as a reader that I have to get used to. Nevertheless, the chapter was good. Keep it up!
| ohsocyanide chapter 1 . 6/2/2012
The general idea of the first chapter is exceptionally obvious. New boy who doesn't realize he's gay befriends popular guy who has convinced himself he likes girls, and BAM. True love. Or whatever.
The grammar is good. The storyline is good. But the pacing is what really threw me for a loop. The new guy meets someone on a bus, they say a couple sentences to each other, and then a few hours later their friendship is so legit that Quinn is standing up for Nathaniel? It just seems like it happens awfully fast. I will say that despite the slightly awkward dialogue shared between the two characters, there is an obvious sexual tension/chemistry that's had to miss.
I hope to see more of Nathaniel's Italian background in the later chapters.
So, yeah. Overall, the idea of it is nice, no matter the clichés. HA. MY IPHONE AUTOCORRECTED THE ACCENT IN THERE. *ahem* Sorry about that :]
I just want to let you know I really appreciate the proper use of grammar. If I get a recommendation for a story and they completely rape it, I refuse to read no matter how good the storyline is. Also, don't feel like I just ripped your story to shreds, because that was definitely not the intended effect. I wouldn't have even bothered to review if I didn't like it. On to chapter two!
| TinfoilKnight chapter 4 . 4/25/2012
Eh. I don't remember the threat, actually... I should pay better attention. One time I forgot the name of the main character in a story I was reviewing. When the second chapter rolled around, I was certain the character was new and just being introduced. *facepalm*
"If you haven't noticed, I'm really jumpy." Hm. We break the fourth wall in this chapter, too? Well, if it's becoming a trend, you might as well just check back over the first two chapters and make sure you break it somewhere there, too, to keep it consistent. Or maybe you had it in there and I didn't notice...
"Gawd, Ember! You scared the bejebus outta' me!" Is English his first language? From this line of dialogue, it sounds like he's grown up in America his entire life. Careful - if he really is foreign, he should sound foreign as well.
Oh, yay, a description of Nathan! Well, and a tense change: "It's black with natural brown highlights." But still. And I know that song, damnit! I was obsessed with it two years ago.
"The (missed a Y, lol) had me in German 4 for some reason..." He's taking two foreign languages - Spanish AND German - in addition to already knowing Italian? If he really is, you should specifically mention that, 'cause it looks like you just forgot what was on his schedule. If he isn't... Well, you forgot what was on his schedule.
A short teacher called Mrs. Heights? *snort*
...Wow. I wasn't expecting that from Chase. Those two had history? WIERD. What a bizarre twist. Dude, that's kinda creepy. And Chase needs to learn to type.
Don't leave me hanging after that! Update soon!
And hey, I'm a story pusher, too... You could always review Civil Combat, it doesn't take much longer than writing a PM. ;) I like reviews.
| TinfoilKnight chapter 3 . 4/25/2012
"Oh, have I not explained that yet? Silly me. If you could see me, I'd be rolling my eyes..." Hey! I call foul, you're breaking the fourth wall. If you're gonna break the fourth wall, that's fine, but it has to be consistent. This is the first time you've broken it, and it's the third chapter already - it doesn't fit with the style of narration in the first two.
Also, the following infodump about his and Des's relationship doesn't have much to do with the conversation he's having. I'd rather you left that until later, and included a scene showing their interactions. Come on, we've never even met the girl, and it seems like she should be an important character. Show her to us directly, don't just tell us about her.
Ha, of course Quinn likes cooking. It just fits his personality... Why didn't I guess?
Hey, whatchoo talking about cheese? I think the cheese level is pretty low. It's just a cute sister/brother scene, it shows their relationship well, and there's nothing really cheesy about it. When I read the A/N, I was afraid there was gonna be some crazy cheesy love confession. You had me pretty scared. False alarm...
Oh, I've been noticing some tense changes, but I was too lazy to tell you about them last couple of chapters. Here goes:
1. "I just wanted to go home and forget about everything. But I can't."
2. "He looks at me with fake a pout cuter than anything, and says..."
3. "'Quinn? You okay, man?' a voice intrudes."
4. "I wanted him to force me to admit that I'm - I'm not like everyone else. I want him to know me."
They were all in the same scene, oddly enough. The best thing to do when you're having tense issues is just to go through and check every damn verb. Double check, if you have to. Eventually you get the hang of it, and it comes naturally.
Anyway. No cheese, just cuteness; liked the chapter.
| TinfoilKnight chapter 2 . 4/25/2012
'Adieu'? Come on, it's just 'ado', it's easy. :)
"Stupid hormones." Everybody leave Quinn alone for a while, he's manstruating. He'll be talking about his manstrual cramps soon. Fine, I swear, I'm done making puns...
Forgot my critiques for a moment, I was promised hugs and kisses! I must guess... Umm, the storm in the poem is his inescapable love for Quinn, or maybe his homosexuality. The penguin in the rain is the part of him that wants to be straight, the one with flowers is the side of him that knows he's gay, and the one in the baseball uniform is Quinn. *is wrong* Wait, what about the one with sunglasses? Umm... *awkward silence*
"'Oh, no. Of course not. I don't mind one bit,' I grinned. I like corners." Well... You've hit a pet peeve of mine. 'Grinned' doesn't work in the place of 'said' - you can't grin a sentence, the verb just doesn't fit that way. You're better off grinning open a can of beans. Use said! Said is always your best friend because it disappears into the sentence like punctuation. Don't use distracting dialogue tags, dialogue should speak for itself.
I adore Nathan's little nerd-out with the new notebooks, I can so relate. The poetry read didn't surprise me, though. Admit it, you've seen that before - we all have. Person gets forced to read poem in front of class, poem reveals true feelings, designated love interest hears poem and is impressed. It's just a little predictable.
Not sure why you're upset about the quality of this chapter, it seems just as good as the last one. Sometimes scenes just feel forced when you're writing them, but other people can't even tell. :) Writers block screws us all over. I liked this chapter. You did a good job of showing Nathan and Quinn's total denial over their sexualities. Character development, yay.