Reviews for The Beginning
S. Alvette chapter 1 . 7/15/2011
This is greatly improved, although there were three things odd:

" Somewhat bruised, I climb down the tree, looking out for any fruit growing to eat"

Growing isn't needed there. Considering the damage on the tree, you could also try:

" Somewhat bruised, I climb down the tree, looking out for any remaining fruit to eat"

I'm a little confused as to who's talking. There are parts where Jai-Kai is mentioned in the third person outside of dialogue, and there are parts where he's talking (he's got the scythe, right?). If you did switch persons try to mark it so the readers know. Either way, describing wise and opening wise, it's better.
ChimericalWrites chapter 3 . 6/8/2011
Yay new chapter! I really like it, the ending lost me a little but I'm hoping I'll catch up on the next chapter. Does KJ's appearance have to do with Jai-Kai being half-angel and half-demon or do all of the opposites look like that? My only complaint is that the point of view changes always threw me at first, it took me a few sentences to figure out where exactly it changed. Anyways, great chapter. Ciao Ciao -
S. Alvette chapter 3 . 6/8/2011
So, an update. Finally!

Well, I did have to re-read the first two chaps but that's no big deal. I only have one piece of criticism: as I read the first two chapters I felt like there were too many characters being introduced. That might just be me having a brain lapse, though. That aside, it's good. Quite good.
ZoboCamel chapter 2 . 6/8/2011
It seems like things flow a fair bit better than the last chapter - the pacing's far more relaxed, and I particularly like the way in which you mention Jai-Kai's weapon-summoning abilities.

Again, stuff like the cursing feels a little out-of-place in the context (cursing itself is fine, but if you're committing yourself to a style of writing that isn't modern, it's probably best to keep modern slang out of it).

There's another sudden change of perspective, again with first-person perspective suddenly swapping to Kelly. It'd be a little easier to read if there was a break, and the base idea of swapping perspectives is fine, but it just becomes a little jarring when it's done so suddenly.

One more thing - the early part of the chapter seems to have a slight overload of terms you've created. While the temptation's always there to give a unique name to everything (and indeed, it's a temptation I'm not great at ignoring myself), it can sometimes feel a little unnecessary to the reader if they're going through all of these terms that have a simpler English equivalent. It's fine sometimes, and of course it has to be done for a lot of things (the ability names, for example; things like Missionaries, Wanderers, place names and titles). But it can just feel a little odd when Gratzel is used in place of deer, Cram for the biscuits, Wasisp for bees, Crax for the meat, Garg for the bear - that kind of thing. It can feel fine earlier on, but then later you'll face the problem of either mentioning the same thing again and having the reader forget what it was, having to remind the reader each time, or simply having to come up with more throwaway terms.

Again, while I've rambled for a while here, this is really heating up. The subtleties and character interactions here are great - little things like that add up to build the mood in a really good way, and can make the difference between a decent story and a fantastic one.
ZoboCamel chapter 1 . 6/8/2011
Nicely done - the setting and the characters in particular have a rather good feel to them. I did see some grammatical errors, however, and some phrases weren't wrong but just felt a little out of place (for example, the use of 'ass-kicking' doesn't entirely fit with what otherwise feels like a traditional fantasy setting. Just minor, but hoping that these things help).

Other than that, some things felt a little rushed - particularly, the first few paragraphs each talked about different things, and some rather interesting things were raised but I found that a little more detail would have helped. I'm not saying to reveal everything up-front, of course - it's just that at this rate a lengthy exposition feels inevitable.

One final thing is that - unless I'm mistaken - the perspective seems to switch from Jai-Kai's to Kelly's without a way to tell other than by context. If you're going with a first-person story, it's probably best to either stick with one character, or at least use a separator or transition when going from one viewpoint to the other.

Now, it sounds like I've been overly nit-picky, but you really do have a good basis for a story here. I'm looking forward to reading more from you. .
Danzi chapter 1 . 5/7/2011
Hey, first of all I’d like to say that this is a very interesting story that brings a lot of intrigue. I think it really picked up towards the end of the chapter with the Token and things. It means nothing to me right now but that’s a staple of fantasy right? I think this could turn out to be a hell of a story.

However, there’s just a few things I’ve noticed that I’m not sure if they are meant to be language things in the story or mistakes like:

with out naming themselves

don't get fall into any traps that way.

The position of Father is not passed down to the son thou

if he say the Father a few months ago

and the fact he worked for is keepmay be true

Some seem more mistake-y than others. But these are only minor and don’t really mar the story ] Well done!
Guest chapter 2 . 3/21/2011
Okay, here we go again. Yay!

First, some of the same problems from the first chapter. A few wrong words here and there and some tense problems. You really need to make sure you don't accidentally lapse into present tense. Like before, try reading the story aloud. I know it takes a while, but you find all sorts of mistakes like that. If you can, try reading it to somebody else, too. They might be able to pick out things that sound a bit off.

Now, I think this chapter is an improvement from the last. Not to say that last chapter was bad, it wasn't, but this just seemed to have a better pace. I like the characters and the setting is interesting.

A few things caught my attention. When you mentioned Jai-Kai and Kelly returning, you said they were walking for an hour. So Kelly honestly just kept walking for an hour to find Jai-Kai with little to no difficulty? Most people would have long since thought to turn around by that point anyway. And besides, that's a damn far walk to walk, especially since Jai-Kai planned on taking the food back with him. It just really made me question why he was that far away in the first place.

Also, this world is full of a bunch of different ideas, and you just throw them out in waves. Sometimes, introducing that many ideas can spin a reader around. Mostly, I think a bit too much happened in this chapter. Telling half of a flashback was an interesting choice, but not necessarily the wrong one. But then they just walk back and then the dead were up and fighting again. And then Jai-Kai just falls unconscious from shock despite all of the horror he's seen. And then suddenly he has Hot Blood, a blood rage that drives him wild. And then a battle. And then more mystery about his scythe, and a new character, and some mysterious relationship between Wanderers and Missionaries. And then just some more information about about Abilities, and then just flat revealing that Darwin knew about the scythe that Jai-Kai was trying to keep a secret. And then some more fighting's on the way, with a new skill teased. Needless to say, this was A LOT OF STUFF to go through, and I pretty much completely skipped the stuff that happened in the beginning. In a later draft, possibly giving this information slower might not be a terrible choice.

And yeah, Ye Olde English. Sometimes your characters lapse into it, and sometimes they don't. And sometimes Jai-Kai will say something colorful and artistic and then immediately follow it up with crass and utterly straight-forward thoughts. Whether on purpose or not, it's jarring.

Like last time, I think it's important to mention that I really liked it. On the whole, there's a lot to like in this story. The mystery of what's happening pulls you forward and makes you want to read more. I just want to help point out the problems I see because they are all I can see holding it back from being amazing.

Best wishes and support, Zake.
ChimericalWrites chapter 2 . 3/20/2011
So I meant to review on this earlier but kind of forgot to, sorry. I really like the story and the characters' personalities. So far Jai-Kai is my fave, but I also like Kelly. Are you going to explain more about his powers later, like the scythe and such?
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa chapter 2 . 3/14/2011
Great story! A little confusing at times, but I really like the plot. I think some kind of notice before you change perspective would help a ton. Other than that... *thumbs up*
S. Alvette chapter 2 . 3/14/2011
Haha, I should be doing my geography homework right now. And, apparently my math teacher thinks that homeworkrecreational story. But what does he know?

On topic, I'm liking it, and sorry it's taken me this long to read it. Just one thing I noticed in this chapter, something that didn't flow quite right.

" yet I could taste the metallic taste of blood."

I think the first 'taste' should be changed, as having two of the same word like that in a sentence doesn't sound quite right to me. Maybe something like, "yet I could sense the metallic taste of blood?" Idk, it's not that important. Still, I'm liking this.

*adds to alerts and favorites*
Zakemaster chapter 1 . 1/22/2011
You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours, and what not.

Okay, first thing's first. The story is interesting, and the characters definitely drew me in a bit. Of course, there are also some problems I saw in the chapter, and constructive criticism is more useful than praise anyway.

First and foremost, there are a decent number of small errors, mostly just the wrong word put in somewhere or words that are missing. The best way to fix these mistakes is to take your story and just read it aloud to yourself. Slowly. Also make sure to keep your tense solid. The story bounces a few times between past tense and present tense, which is an easy mistake to make but can be slightly frustrating for the reader.

Another big thing is that the shift between characters is a bit jarring, and took me a moment to catch on. Not to mention that the narrative for Kelly jumps back and forth between first and third person. It's a simple mistake to make, but still a pretty severe one. Anything that pulls the reader out of the story is a problem.

Third, something just felt off about the dialogue. Some of the way you wrote the dialogue makes it sound like you're trying to have witty banter but a few times it comes across as sounding like something that nobody would say. I know it sounds pretty silly, but try having the conversations aloud and see how well it flows. Sometimes what sounds good in your head doesn't come across well in execution.

And finally, the story starts a bit too abruptly, to be honest. The first paragraph, we find out he's hunted a succubus. The second paragraph, he's hauling it back. The third and everybody's dead. By the fifth paragraph, a week had gone by. Do you see what I mean. It all moved so fast that it felt like nothing that happened during that time seemed important enough to you to elaborate. I'm sure that isn't true, but that's the feeling that a person gets reading it, or at least that's the feeling I got. What you might want to do is have the story start with Jai-Kai waking up on the day when the Wanderers Caravan shows up, revealing what happened either when he wakes or through conversation with other characters. It may be a much dreaded example of telling instead of showing, but there are times when it's appropriate. And since we're on a website like fictionpress, where most people have the attention span of a goldfish, you want to to jump into the interesting bits right away, and things are a bit more mysterious if your main character wakes up in the middle of an empty village. Just my opinion, but I like to think it might be worth something.

Despite all the criticism I just threw your way, I genuinely enjoyed the chapter. Trust me when I say that the only reason I cared enough to review the story with this much focus was because I could see the potential in it and wanted to help you draw it out. You have a jewel here that you need to cultivate well so that it can grow strong, and the base of the story is a fine place to start working from. Fix up some of the problems in the beginning and you'll find that the rest of the story becomes stronger because of it.

Best of luck, and keep kicking butt. Your friend, Zake.