|Reviews for Breathe Again|
| Old xRayneWolfx account chapter 1 . 1/25/2011
Gripping as ever, a enjoyable read :) nice job
Rayne wolf *repaid 1/2*
| ranDUMM chapter 1 . 1/23/2011
Hmm, just a side note; interesting name! I've never seen Jennifer spelt with only one 'n' before. Just something that interesting me ;)
Okay, wow. I really, really liked this! This 'association' of people with the Ying Yang tattoos look like they're all business and no feelings. It shows that they don't have a place in their little gathering for humans. For people who feel guilty. I cannot believe that she just shot someone in her own 'club' because she messed up a little. It seems like she really doesn't care, doesn't suffer any guilt at all.
I'm a little confused about this, actually. To sum it up: so she went to his house one time before to get the information out and kill him, but she felt guilty so after getting the information, she felt bad and didn't kill him. Her association thing found out that she didn't kill him and didn't like that, so she went back and killed him, but then 'number twenty' came and killed her because of her hesitation? If this is so, then you need to make it a little clearer. I had to read through it two or three times to get the idea. It's written a little vaguely, especially with the 'plan going wrong'.
The standard of your writing was really good in this! The tone is consistent, the mood is explained just right. It was wonderfully structured as well, with bits and pieces of information being told at a time. Just a few things to clear up:
- "...her lungs felt like they could not operate fully." I feel like this is a bit of an awkward sentence. Maybe change it to:
- "...her lungs felt like they couldn't operate fully."
- "She'd struggle to draw breath in..." I think that it would read better if you changed it to;
- "She'd struggle to draw air in..." or "She'd struggle to draw in a breath...", because the other way doesn't read very smoothly.
I particularly liked the bit about how difficult it was for her to breathe at the beggining; with the cigarette and the alcohol and stuff. I think that it would be a great ending if you somehow tied that in as well. Just a purely personal thing, and I'm not trying to tell you how to write it or anything. I just think that it' would be a good touch, that's all :)
A wonderful story, well done!