Reviews for Farro |
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MissCursedShoes chapter 26 . 3/1/2011 Thanks so much for your quick posts! I'm utterly hooked! XD |
Mak Hertz chapter 26 . 3/1/2011 You've managed to keep the intensity from the last chapter into this one. And I sure hope Khensa finds a way to make it better because obviously Lateef and Bomani don't really have a clue how to help. Haha. What a dramatic and completely amusing way for the men to find out about Khensa's newly awakened powers. Love it. Jarai's so cute. :) How very interesting about Bomani's Kah. I am quite curious to find out how it's possible or even why. "His hand drops to the hilt, eking comfort from its presence." - seems like an odd time to use 'eking' but it may have been intentional? I'm not really sure. Poor Khensa having to remember Bata... hopefully she can get her attention focused elsewhere and can replace those memories with new, better ones soon. :) I'm glad she's going to fix his eye because it's been driving me crazy too and I just see him in my imagination! "I narrow the focus my gaze, almost crossing my eyes, and then I see it, the air's Kah flowing and shifting around." - 'narrow the focus' Deals are good. I can't wait to find out what he's going to offer her though because I can't quite figure out what she'd really want since the engagement is off. I also think it was too bad that Lateef wasn't there to see her heal Bomani and herself, I imagine he would've been ecstatic about it. Well I'm excited about getting to your favorite part and I'm also excited about possibly learning more about Bomani's mother and how they plan to save her. Right now, I'm imagining Khensa storming the castle, throwing people around with her Kah, and generally being a badass and getting to the queen by force... but I doubt that's how it's going to happen so I'll just have to try and be patient. Keep up the great work! |
Hana Himura chapter 26 . 3/1/2011 Very quick review today! I loved the chapter! Please continue! x |
XxSiennaxX chapter 26 . 3/1/2011 ooh, I'm intrigued as to what Bomani's deal may be - I hope they'll remain safe, although I'm doubting they will. I'm also hoping they'll realise how much they actually care for each other. Please update again asap :D |
ChocolateCookie chapter 26 . 3/1/2011 Well I'm excited! I've read this twice through. I'm liking the way Bomani's changing his attitude to Khensa, even though he's taken his time about it. I guess all the answers are gonna be coming now. I only spotted one typo, but tonight I'm working so I don't have time to give it a closer look. Also had a quick glance at chapter 25 again, and you're missing a word in a setence just at the end. I can't remember it exactly, but I think it's something like "He knocks mine" and you need a knees in there somewhere. I also think at one point you said "You're Jarai" when you meant "Your Jarai" "Bomani pulls himself with the bed" up |
XxSiennaxX chapter 25 . 2/28/2011 I'm glad Bomani has found them - I kept on wishing that she'd expel some of her Kah like she had when she brought it all into herself, and created a small oasis with water for her and Jarai. Can't wait for more ;) |
Mak Hertz chapter 25 . 2/28/2011 I like your comparison of her to a lizard. In fact I really like all of your comparisons in this section. This is a very action packed chapter! Poor little Jarai, I wonder what's wrong with him and if he's always been this way. "I feel him in my arms, shaking uncontrollably, his limps whipping around wildly." - 'limbs' Maybe action packed was incorrect, but intense is definitely the right word for this chapter. Yay Bomani! I'm not sure if I've ever been this happy to see him. "For all of us to collide here, in the middle of nowhere, the Eater must not be as calloused as I had though him!" - 'had thought him' "Only twenty-four hours ago I'd been in love with 'that man, and now he lies not a hundred feet off, dead." - random ' in there. Poor Bata, I didn't think he deserved to die even if I did think he was slightly evil. And poor Khensa, but at least Bomani's here to take care of her now. I do hope Lateef or someone can help her out. Definitely an intense chapter, possibly your most intense so far. I loved it and can't wait to see how this is resolved! :) Keep up the great work! |
StoryMonster chapter 2 . 2/28/2011 Your descriptions are brilliant - and when I say brilliant, I mean jumping up and down brilliant. It gets really hard to do them when you're writing in first person (I'm writing in first person in my story, I can relate to it) and it's been done beautifully. Another wonderful chapter. ~StoryMonster |
StoryMonster chapter 1 . 2/28/2011 Wow! I loved the intensity of this whole chapter, and you know what? It would have done awesomely as a one-shot. I love chapters like that, it shows that it's sturdy and independent. "No speaking." It could have been 'no talking' but I suppose it adds to the effect. Very good descriptions, and excellent chapter! ~StoryMonster |
Hana Himura chapter 25 . 2/28/2011 Yay! Bomani to the rescue! Loved this chapter! Poor Khensa! I guess she will not be as spoiled anymore. heheheehehe Please update soon! I'm really anxious to know what happens next! x |
ChocolateCookie chapter 25 . 2/28/2011 Loads of typos, but it's okay. I'd honestly rather read this clumsily typed than not read it for several days. And it's reaching such a climax that I find it difficult to wait from one chapter to the next (I'm the kind of person that never puts a book down once I begin, unless it's to throw it against a wall) so reading stories in intervals plays with my mind D: "Robbed of the use of my arms" you don't need the first of "My slipped feet" slippered? slipping? "pull them free tireless determination" missed a word? "clumsily lash my Kah to its," it "so too it Bata's" is "Deep with me" within "Its near crippling" it's "to irate the wind" irritate, irate is a noun "but he's doesn't appear to moving" he; to be moving "I've escaped immediate discover" discovery "as he hands from my aching neck" hangs "he may be small and thin" not a typo. A four year old kid weighs what... forty pounds? that's heavy! "Should I be bit" bitten? "to fight off in this state" it off "in seek of warmth" search "provocation, He eyes" his eyes "I touch his should softly" shoulder "put as much distance between us and this clay bed" as possible "I close my eye" eyes "night fit's is still fresh" no 's "It not Waset" if "little, obedience Jarai" obedient "blood seeming through" seeping "a single passenger with a booming voice" whose booming voice "his reigns cast aside" reins "not he lies face down" now "I'd been in love that man" with "the foreigners corpse" foreigner's "his hands covering his frustrated face" I think, just his hands covering his face is more than enough just there. "wrap his thing arms" thin "reaches for the reigns" reins "I cry disparagingly" ... desperately? "squeezes his thigh" thighs "like a salt in an open wound" no a AW That's so sweet :) and possibly he has ulterior motives, but it's still sweet. The only thing - I can't really see him riding in the desert without a bottle of water, or ten, in the saddlebags. I think it would make more sense if before they get on the horse, he gives them both a little bit of water - at the very least, Jarai. |
Aeryn Jaden chapter 1 . 2/27/2011 I got hooked up on your story. I 've only read the first chapter so far, but what I've read is great! You have a good structure sentence, great flow of the story and you know how to get people to come back for more! I was a bit confused at : "I entertain no illusions of receiving mercy from this strange, violent." I suppose you are missing a word this chapter is very well written and you are very talented. I can see this story will make it on my favorites list. Thank you for reviewing! I appreciate it. |
thefaultinourpatronus chapter 4 . 2/27/2011 Bomani is really turning out to be an interesting chapter. His sense of humor sometimes is a joy to read about XD But somehow his bursts of anger seem to be kind of predictable. Otherwise he's character I'd love to read more about. The fantasy element of the story has been introduced well, and in a pretty unique way too. The descriptions of the setting and background have all been fantastic! Great chapter, as usual. x mandy, Roadhouse, Gossip Could you payback via TMS? Thanks! |
lookingwest chapter 7 . 2/27/2011 From RH I am alone in this great house, in this bedroom; I am alone with my thoughts. -I liked the flavor of this paragraph, if that makes any sense. It really reminds me of the character Offred in Margret Atwood's The Handmaid's Tale, though speculative science fiction, you might like it if you haven't read it! I recommend, especially because you might be interested in reading something that also portrays a woman whose gone under extreme trauma in her past. I always find reading stories similar to the themes I'm working with helpful, so I don't mean it in any other way but that! ...just as he had the first time I met him: -Style: change "had" to "did" ...to his faceless companion. -Well that detail certainly provokes a sense of serene mystery! Liked the incorporation, especially if it's foreshadow... And, just like that, the ghostly man is charging me. -Edit: I think this might be passive voice-I'm really bad at telling though, but I do know it might sound better as "...the ghostly man [charges] me." ...mama lying face down in the dirt. -Edit: "Mama" should be capitalized here That moment, that day, had been the sort to breed countless nightmare. -Style: to rid it of "had been", could read, "That moment, that day, breeds countless nightmares." Absolutely adored the last line of this chapter. This definitely acts as a bit of a segue, I think, from the more concrete that's been happening in the prior chapters and I'm sure in those to come. I liked the way that you introduced her emotions about this entire ordeal and her memories, I also adore you for not being the type of author to go into a silly flashback scene that's all in italics or give us an unrealistic "vivid" dream sequence-your transition was flawless and really mature. Perhaps there could be more detail about the abduction, though, it did feel a little bare-boned in setting detail, as far as things tasted, touched, smelled, heard-those kind of sensory details, perhaps mentioning the way Chike smelled, or things like that. I did like the bit with the houses though, and getting a sense of space between them and the setting area. I forgot to mention in an earlier chapter, the one where Khensa does her escape, you did an excellent job there of creating a sense of setting and space too, with the details of hallways and doors and the placement of the outside walls, etc. Just thought I'd mention! The ending tapered off with the idea of the nightmares and the plagued thoughts well, I liked the ending image of her in the room and how real it was to me-it just really creates sympathy and gives us an edge of her trauma. I'll be interested to see in which ways the trauma reoccurs...and that sounded kind of mean to Khensa, but you get what I mean, XD. Anyway! This was a great read so far tonight and I hope to continue soon! |
lookingwest chapter 6 . 2/27/2011 From RH Zomg, how dumb am I? Duh, that Bomani is the romantic interest, it says so in the summary! I am 2AM crazy right now, ignore my silliness. Onion's having a hard time keeping... -Style: here it could be more bold with using the present tense verb a bit different, I think it would sounds better as, "Orion has a hard time keeping..." instead of "is having", it still keeps it in the present and it works better for flow-again though, opinion based! "...be scorching hot, and so it is." -Style: found the "and so it is" unneeded since it's implied that "so it is [hot]" in the second sentence We both know that, if given the opportunity, I... -Style: the commas here seem unneeded for pauses to me, again, optional D: They just throw dead people into the Great Abyss? That's absolutely chilling! I wasn't expecting that development-it almost becomes like a great purgatory kind of thing then...I can only imagine how terrifying that would be to actually embark on a journey inside. I like how you revealed this within the narration, very nicely done. This time no prince is sneaking after me. -Style: could clean up the tense here with, "This time no prince [sneaks] after me." This hope is dashed when... -Style: for same reasons above, I think you could stylistically change to "This hop [dashes] when..." His weapon is sheathed in its monstrously large scabbard... -Now positive that he is the romantic interest, 2AM dirty thoughts made me smile at this line, XD, ah, I love it...the word "monstrously" is just so well placed... ...shuts it after the prince has passed. -Style: could be "...the prince [passes]." When he is convinced that we shall not be disturbed, he breaks... -Style: again, just to change up the "is" and get rid of an unneeded "that", "When convinced we shall not be disturbed, he breaks..." Justified background on Khensa, I understand the Jumper thing now, nicely done too. This story does cause me to get ahead of myself, I apologize about that, I can't stand it when reviewers hint at things that are explained later and I've been doing it way too much here, I think-the whole story just has me quite excited to learn more! XD Anyway, I loved what was revealed about her-musician, singer? Very interesting, I can't wait to learn more. And I liked the dialogue and how you revealed that about the Junker culture, and I thought it showed dynamic as to how you revealed a bit of Lateef and his intrigue about the lower classes-bringing in those relations is essential I think, for a story bringing together two very different social classes. I love that you've never quite given us Khensa fawning over our romantic lead Bomani, but you give us an edge of her kind of taken aback by the handsome looks of Lord Bata. I think that's unique and you're doing a good job keeping it distanced and unexpected-I mean gosh, Lord Bata is just a huge diversion, I loved their interactions though. Khensa's little bit about making Lateef her father was extremely bold, I wasn't expecting that, especially from the implication that Lord Bata was important and would probably know all about Lateef, it's excellent he didn't appear too surprised though-that definitely says a whole lot about his relationship with Lateef. "There you have it, Bata. -Edit: needs closing quotation "Only enough to get me by," I admit with a nervous smile. -This scene is *really* reminding me of Elizabeth Bennett in Pride and Prejudice when she's told to play the pianoforte at the dinner of that horrid upper class woman, I forget her name... ...this time reaching his green eyes. -Nice incorporation of character description Unconsciously I move to the broken window, through which... -Edit: I think there should be a comma after "Unconsciously" -Style: would omit the comma after "window" They're attack me from both sides now! -Edit: "attacking" -Style: Here's a good example-I feel a little tenseness with how Khensa narrates. Sometimes she'll use contractions and sometimes she won't, and here's an example of where I found it inconsistent. I think you should pick her tone-I actually would think she would use more contractions naturally because she's not a refined or upper class woman, but she uses a lot off "shall not" and "I am", that sort of thing, and it hints that she actually might be a bit more upper class in language. Despite that, though, I think you naturally narrate her more *without* contractions, so just keep it in mind when editing or extending scenes during your revision! He pauses to think and I watch him suspiciously. (What's he playing at, giving in so easily?) Then he adds, ... -Edit: there should be a period after the parentheses because you capitalized "Then", indicating a new sentence -Style: I would actually just make the parentheses it's own sentence somehow, the interjection of a question there felt a little awkward I think of Mama, falling through the Great Abyss... -Excellent imagery! I think of the harsh reality that Lateef has so artfully portrayed... -Style: omit "that" and "has" ...I am a penniless, rank-less, parent-less female. -Style: This is purely opinion! But I think it would be bolder as "young woman" instead of female, which sounded a bit too technical for me "...Should there be any problems for me," Here I glance... -Edit: need to un-capitalize "here" since the "me" was followed by a comma -Style: I'd actually suggest just putting an ellipses after the "me" and then keeping the "Here" capitalized, that could work too, either way! He has stood silent until now... -Style: can omit "has" Alright, so overall, enjoyed this chapter again! I think I'm definitely putting this on my favorites, I know I haven't finished all of it yet but I just like how easy going the narration and the story plot is, and I'm liking the developments. I've also totally been craving a romance, so I can't wait, XD. I wish I had gotten further into this story during SKoW nominations, I love how it's developing! The grammar and spelling was polished too-most of what I pointed out was just fine-combing edit and then opinionated style, and you can definitely pick and choose at will! Liked the conversation that happened after Lord Bata left, that was a great scene and has established us all on a path of for-now cemented plot, so that's great! I think it was also believable and unique, and I liked that though Khensa has the ability to place music, it remains limited. There's a lot here in this story for growth in her character and I'm looking forward to it! |