|Reviews for Farro|
| lookingwest chapter 5 . 2/26/2011
I know only that it's very late and, therefore, that everyone is surely asleep.
-Style: could get rid of verb "is" by re-wording as, "...that everyone surely sleeps."
I remember my conversation with the Lord with a suppressed scoff.
-Style: to kind of get rid of the repeat of "with", would suggest, "...with the Lord and suppress a scoff."
I've twisted myself...
-Style: change "I've twisted" to "I twist myself..." There are some moments in the narration like this when I feel a bit of a tenseness between the use of present and past tense, sometimes I check myself to see if you've got into past, but there are quite a few lines like this were I don't think going into the past is necessary and it could stay in present...if any of that makes sense...
Behind us the horses are awake. They pace and stomp and whinny...
-Style: because of your start of the second sentence, I find the first one unneeded. Could combine them like, "Behind us the horses pace and stomp and whinny..." because by their action it already implies they've awaken
...its Bomani who worries me.
-Edit: should "its" be "it's"...or not, maybe "its" is the worry...? I'm terrible with grammar situations like this, so pardon if it's wrong, just wasn't sure
Justified unconsciousness at the end of this chapter, I'd say, so I think you're good there-I feel she made a conscious connection with the torture she'd gone through in the past few months and Bomani's threatening stance... Anyway, made sense.
Enjoyed the pacing of this chapter, had a nice flow to it and I think you balanced well with the action-the part where the narration lingers on the stairs with thoughts and worry while the motion also slows down worked well too. I figured someone would stop her and it seemed right that Bomani did, though like the last chapter, I almost wanted to see a different side of him here. I also notice this is under Romance as a sub-genre so I'm wondering if he might be involved somehow-if not then you're probably laughing at me, XD. Anyway, I mean, what I really want to do is like him, but I'm not getting much to indicate I should!
Thought the description of his nose breaking and the healing was handled well and also realistic. I again, love the spark in Khensa as a woman lead, she's just fantastic and so strong, and she never quits! You created a good sense of tension when she was trying to get away, though the very few paragraph opening did feel a little wordy for me with the description of setting, however, the narration settles nicely again and despite some tenseness in present and past I mentioned somewhere above it all worked together!
Liked the dialogue you worked in between the fighting scene between Khensa and Bomani too, that was clever and worked well to add depth to the action-it was described cleanly too, I think. Overall again, this story just continues to get more and more interesting and though nothing huge was revealed here from the plot, it's good to know that Khensa can heal other people, not only herself, and it was cool to see her keep fighting to escape. Hope she never loses that spark!
| lookingwest chapter 4 . 2/26/2011
Liked the opening details there of what was in the bowl.
The lord sinks into his chair...
-Similar to my comments last chapter with Onion's dialogue-make sure you know if "lord" should be capitalized here or left un-capitalized. I actually don't know the protocol myself, but I'm sure looking it up might help so you remain consistent not only in the narration but also the dialogue
...believe that the prince not only knows the truth.
-This was a confusing line to me at the end here, usually a line like "not only knows the truth" is followed up by "but also knew..." or something like that but...is this saying that he does look like he knows the truth or not? XD, chances are it's very clear and this is just me being my 1AM self...
Ah, I get it. Right, right, so she has an ability to heal in ways that normal human beings that are non-Farro cannot, I see how this ties in now with the double-knee cap breaking and the basically starving to death and all that. Very cool reveal. I like how you transitioned into this conversation and brought it basically full circle, making us recall the difficulties in chapter one and everything. Great use of literary device.
Her Glamor power reminds me of Alisha's powers in the UK show Misfits-except perhaps less extreme. Whenever other humans touched her they would feel extreme lust and want to shag her all the time, XD. Anyway, glad you found a word for it, though I've always been a bit conflicted with the word Glamor in Supe/Fantasy fiction-a lot of authors use it, most popularily True Blood/The Southern Vampire Series... I think even I've used it, XD, but anyway, I would suggest another name but there never is any other better word for it!
Very innovative way to describe our first person narrator for the reader, I like how you made it realistic and justified to do a mirror-description by providing the scene with a purpose of her not actually knowing her eye color. And I also love that you've justified *why* the color is different from normal humans. I dislike it when authors just throw unnatural eye colors around like candy without explanation, XD, so this was quite refreshing.
But if Lateef really believed that...
-Edit: I believe "believed" should be "believes" in present tense here because it's something he's presently doing-believing
I must conclude that, despite his kind words, Lateef doesn't really want to help
-Edit: same with tense of "doesn't" because it's something he's actively doing in the now
There is only one way out of this:
-Style: in present tense it's good to avoid the use of "is", but this is purely stylistic and optional. I would re-word this as "I saw only one way out of this:" and then start the paragraph after with, "Shakily setting a hand upon one of the leaves, I notice it's thick and..." But again, purely optional, I'm just being picky and thorough!
It breaks along the crooked fracture and, just as quickly, snaps...
-Style: would omit the commas after "and" and "quickly" as I think the pauses are unneeded
This chapter again, did an excellent job of revealing new information to the reader. I think you're developing everyone quite well and I'm really intrigued as we go further into learning about Farro powers. So far they're also making sense-which is a great thing. The resource of using something living to help heal kind of reminds me of alchemy equal exchange, and I'm sure there's a lot that could be generated as far as moral conflict about the subject and what she chooses to use. I liked the small details hinting that she can use things other than plants too, like the ant.
Bomani errs a bit on the flat side for me in this chapter, however, I feel like I haven't seen any other emotion from him but a sort of immature-like anger. It perhaps is justified, though I really want to see more characterization coming from him as far as emotional depth. His responses are coming off a little too predictable for my tastes. Otherwise though, I can't wait to see him develop because I'm just sure he will, Lateef and Khensa continue to be dynamic in their relations and dialogues, so I know it'll emerge at some point for me.
Overall there were lovely details in this chapter and I think the pacing and length worked well together too-also nicely edited, the flow was spot on and it's making for one easy read!
| lookingwest chapter 3 . 2/26/2011
"Right away, my Lord."
-Hmm, I'm actually not sure about this, so I could be 100% wrong, but I don't know if "lord" should be capitalized here or not, as it is I think it could imply that Onion calls Lateef, the Lord god, that sort of thing-but then I'm never sure with titles and how to word them, they can get messy, XD. I'm sure you're right at any rate...ack, ignore ramblings...
I - a plain, Junktown girl – ...
-Edit: stay consistent with dash format
The prince stoops down,
"I have her," the prince calls back.
-Edit: needs to all be one paragraph
Lovely chapter here, I liked the way that you characterize Khensa because you bring this chapter so many ups and downs, and I think the disorientation and the whole sense of confusion goes great with this because it just reflects more how she feels as a narrator.
I enjoyed seeing the explanation and assessment of the damage done to her body, since I remember being wary of it in the last chapter, I think you provided a realistic and accurate portrayal of her, and I just love how headstrong she is concerning healing herself and doing things for herself. That's a great quality to have in a female lead and I have nothing but high praises for it. The part with relocating *both* kneecaps seemed a little overdone, though, perhaps just one kneecap? Not because it's fantastical to me, but it seemed to go over what was was needed to solidify the point she was making to Onion.
Anyway! Absolutely adored the explanations and how you brought it about. Weaving in the information about the wheat and the Farro legend was perfect story telling, and you did a great job keeping the dialogue ever-interesting as well. I think you portrayed Lateef's character through his dialogue spot-on and gave us more background there. Awesome development that he also turns out to be a Farro. I really want to see development there and I like the uniqueness of the legend and how you brought that about. I also thought it was made quite clear, and that was refreshing in some of this confusion felt by our narrator.
The action sequence was also paced excellently. Liked the part with the Jumping-I'm assuming that was intentionally characterized, though it did make me wonder then, if that's a magical skill, why she seemed so upset about believing she had magic. Unless Jumping is something that everyone can do-otherwise there was a little inconsistency in the way she thought and how she acted for me. But anyway, the image of it, even if it was thwarted by the prince, was great, and I enjoyed how you evoked it.
Bomani-now he seems like an extremely complicated character. So far I see little that allows me to warm up to him, but at the same time I think that's kind of cool so far, he's painted as a villain within the realm of being the good-guys which provides some great character dynamic relations.
Overall this was another polished and intriguing chapter, and I look forward to seeing the developments made with this Farro business!
| Liya Smith chapter 24 . 2/26/2011
Hi! I saw a couple typos:
Their hands are upon me, wresting Jarai
The barrie's Kah
His is most like my: violet.
*is my supposed to be mine?
Driven mad with panic, the driver continue on.
I call it to my, collecting it before me in a large, rolling bubble.
*my should be me?
That's all I saw! I'm so excited, please more!
| Mak Hertz chapter 24 . 2/26/2011
Jeez. Bata's being demanding, but I imagine in the end it'll mean he helps her out so I can't be too upset with him.
Good for Khensa, at least she's trying to get Jarai back home, the poor thing. And I do hope Bata's good enough to keep his word, I'd like to think he is.
I find it interesting that Bata is willing to give her access to her full powers when he has no reassurance that she'll use them for what he wants. And even then, I'd be scared she'd attack me and get away using the very thing I taught her how to use.
"The barrie's Kah has anchored itself to my gut, determined never to leave." - 'barrier's Kah'
"The air above shutters, and becomes still." - 'shudders'
"Then I feel movement form below." - 'from'
"They reach for the sky, growing impossible fast." - 'impossibly'
And wow that's a pretty awesome skill she's now got.
"The air above me moves with a Kah that is every changing and translucent, whirling around me like a cloud of gnats." - 'is ever changing'
"His is most like my: violet." - either 'like mine: violet' or 'like me: violet' or 'like my violet'
Well at least Bata is planning on keeping his promise, good for him.
"The desert wind swirls around us, visible to my now for the glowing Kah trailing in its wake." - 'visible to me now'
I'd think seeing Kah all the time would be really annoying so I sure hope there's a way for her to turn it off.
"The pain is chocking, but I won't let that stop me now." - 'choking'
"You promised me Khensa." - 'promised me, Khensa.'
I'm not sure how much that was a promise as an agreement she felt she had to make at the time. But I do at least kind of hope she'll help him out at least some day.
"I'd rather die looking, then as your slave." - 'than'
Oh I agree with her distrust of Bata. I'm still a little upset about him hiding the kid in a trunk too.
"Driven mad with panic, the driver continue on." - 'continues'
Well I hadn't thought about that. She would be rather concentrated on what she was doing so a physical attack would work, at least for now. I imagine with time, she'd be more able to pay attention to the world around her while doing stuff.
"Bata is on top of me, poor Jarai sandwiched between our sweat bodies." - 'sweaty'
I feel kind of like Khensa is a wild animal here. She's trying to escape captivity and I like it. More powerful than her captives but still kind of unsure about what to do or where to go. I really liked it. I'm glad she fought back, but I also appreciate what Bata taught her, definitely better than what Lateef was teaching. Keep up the great work!
| Hana Himura chapter 24 . 2/26/2011
I was so anxious to write my review that I typed the wrong password for .
Goodness! I really don't know what to say! It was marvelous! You wrote it very full of energy. I really enjoyed it.
Now as always I must know what happens next! Please update soon! ˆxˆ
| Chocorange888 chapter 24 . 2/26/2011
The speed of your updates are amazing. To be honest, I actually quite liked Bata, but never mind...You could always tell that he was a bit off though. I probably won't be able to review until 3 weeks later by which time this may already be finished. Good luck!
PS The cover for Farro has the potential to be really good.
| ChocolateCookie chapter 24 . 2/25/2011
I saw your cover! For someone who isn't really artistic it's pretty good.
"and set it back down" sets
"close on their own accord" of
"At first I the results" no I
"all put his face" but
"the air above shutters" shudders
"movement form below" from
"growing impossible fast" impossibly
"most like my" mine
"visible to my now" me
"The pain is chocking" choking
"then as your slave" than
"between our sweat bodies" sweaty
"only inches from mine." " extra "
Oh. Wow. So Khensa gets a lot stronger, huh? I have to say, I can't wait for her reuinion with bomani and lateef, and what they'll say/do. If I were in her position, I'd be too embarassed to go back to them, but I suppose she's got Jarai so it's not like she's coming empty handed.
| XxSiennaxX chapter 24 . 2/25/2011
Loved the chapter, I hope she and Jarai manage to get through the desert safely now that she can use her Kah.
A few times in this chapter you used 'my' instead of 'me' - If it isn't too difficult I'd suggest going back and having a look (using the search feature) and changing them - it'll help polish the story a bit more i.e. " call it to my, collecting it before me in a large, rolling bubble."
Can't wait for the next chapter!
| Mak Hertz chapter 23 . 2/25/2011
"I fidget uncomfortable." - 'uncomfortably' or 'fidget, uncomfortable'
"I drop the curtain, as thought stung by it, and inhale sharply." - 'as though stung'
Oh jeez. I think she should've gotten out and gone back to Bomani.
Oh wow, there goes Bata saying they're gonna get married! What? Already? I'd much rather she marry Bomani in her semi-fake marriage over this!
Somehow I don't think it's going to go as well (or be as easy) as Khensa thinks.
"Our carriage blends in with the others; our anonymity shall protect us from immediate discover." - 'discovery'
I still don't quite trust Bata even though he seems really nice and all.
And now I distrust him even more that he's telling this story about the second wife. I also wonder how both he and Lateef can claim to be the 'other man'. And I came to the same conclusion Khensa did, that he seems less genuine now that he's telling this story.
Oh jeez... now Khensa's really in trouble. I bet he did at least attempt some sort of relationship with the second wife once he knew of her powers so he could learn more about them and now he's after Khensa's knowledge of the powers. I hope she pretends like she knows nothing about them and lies.
Well at least Bata's honest about his intentions.
Ooh! Bata's evil! More evil than perhaps the king! How fun!
Okay I think things are all falling into place and making a lot more sense now.
Poor Khensa and her Glamor, and poor little Jarai. I hope Khensa finds a way to protect him and beat Bata up. And wow Bata is kind of crazy, like more than I thought possible. Wow. Can't wait to see what happens next! Keep up the great work! Oh and you may have fixed some of the changes I pointed out already since I started reading this nearly 14 hours before I was able to finish so I apologize for that.
| Hana Himura chapter 23 . 2/25/2011
I knew I hated him for some reason! Bad Bata!
Things are getting even more interesting! Please continue! I need to know what happens!
| Liya Smith chapter 23 . 2/25/2011
I feel so angry at Bata. I cannot tell you. I just want him to die or something! Poor Jarai. :( No blaring typos this time! Great chapter.
| ChocolateCookie chapter 23 . 2/24/2011
"I fidget uncomfortable" uncomfortably.
"We're far enough way" away
"as thought stung" though
"from immediate discover" discovery
"I may have told lie," lies
aw. Bata! and finally khensa realises! though admitedly, I never thought he would be this crazy. It seems a little jarring, almost like too much of a character betrayal, but on the other hand i'm enjoying it. I wonder what 'breaking' is? this is getting really exciting.
| XxSiennaxX chapter 23 . 2/24/2011
Oh no, I really, really want her to be able to escape from Bata with Jarai asap!
I hope the King will understand if/when she tells him that it was the only way to find out what Bata and his country had planned.
Thanks for updating so soon, can't wait for the next one :)
| XxSiennaxX chapter 22 . 2/24/2011
Oh my goodness, I would really like to know what about that song made the entire court so incensed. I hope they'll both be ok and that Bata doesn't betray her, although I can't help but wonder why he gave her a song to learn that was so dangerous.
Can't wait for the next chapter ;)