ooh, this was great - great characterisation, lovely polished writing, doom filled scenario and a mysterious bad ass benefactor - I like!

For concrit, i think occasionally your descriptions could do with a bit of cropping. "someone frantically stumbles sightlessly past the open doorway." for instance: two adverbs so close like that sticks out to me.

"He acts quickly. He sits up with a hiss and slaps me firmly across the face with a broad palm." here, too, teh two adverbs seem a little overdone to me? a slap is usually firm, so i'm not sure that firmly adds much here?

" I lie here as I have for innumerable days, my immobile body slumped .." i think 'immobile' might be a bit redundant there, seeing as we already know she's been lying there for inumerable days?

"His hands lash out for me but capture only smoke." thats so awesome.

"I bash the body with my bony, red hands" for a girl with a broken arm, she's remarkably good at using it ;)

"I beat him again and again, I, the butcher and he, the haunch." Love that.

"I grunt and, with both my good arm and my bloodied, broken one, lift it up and over my head." hmm, this is some kind of a broken arm she has. how on earth do the muscles mangae to work without teh bone to support them? i could see her using her elbow if the forearm was broken, but i'm not sure about using her arm normally?

the description of teh khepesh guy fits in a way because she is studying his face at teh time, but because its a tense scene as has been rather fast paced, I find it a bit too much description at once? teh first line especially feels a bit like a tell to me, and could probably me moved elsewhere, perhaps earlier?

then maybe consider something like: "His heavy eyebrows hang low beneath a brow creased in fury. His scowl wrinkles his nose like the muzzle of a rabid dog. He possesses a confidence borne only by the privileged..." that way its only two sentences that describe him, at teh same time as giving us his emotional state?

"I gesture wildly to the dead man. " consider a more descriptive verb to replace teh verb adverb you have there, e.g. flail, or something?

Love how you dump us right in teh action here - the descriptions of smoke at the begining are great, and the opening scene is full of suspense, very much helped but her agonisingly slow rise. It felt like a movie scene, and one wonderfully acted at that :) You introduce three main characters at a good pace, letting us get a good handle on them without wasting time being too descriptive. teh plot is introduced as well, and teh ending, i think, is fitting: it feels like an ending, a natural place to draw teh chapter to a close, while still leaving teh reader interested in waht happens next. great stuff!

I'm glad Khensa is finally learning some more secrets - at least with that information she knows why things are happening the way they are, and perhaps that knowledge will protect her in the future.

I noticed one typo in the second last sentence, you wrote "Let's find an obliging push and get that ankle of yours fixed." - I think you meant bush, not push?

Can't wait for the next chapter, I can't wait to find out what the inner palace is like - I hope she meets Bomani's mother at some stage.

Please update again soon!

"I look over my shoulder, back towards the mighty ship and the crates filled with dehydrated squid being lower over its side." - 'lowered'

And I'm really finding Lateef amusing right now.

Yay! Bata's creating space between them... a great time for her to realize how much more awesome Bomani is than Bata. :)

"The newly installed pipes still rumble obnoxiously ever time one of draws water." - 'every time' and one of whom or what draws water?

"The lord has brought put one artifact to brighten the limestone walls: an oil painting of the ocean cliffs." - either 'has brought' or 'has put one'

Aw surely Bomani would be nice enough to give her a windowed room if that's what she wanted.

Oh I'm excited to know where exactly the queen is or what happened to her at least.

"I limp from the flagstone, until I fine an excluded, sunny patch of grass in amongst the topiaries." - 'I find'

"He's caught me languishing out here on the grounds, affording himself an excuse begin inquire." - 'to begin to inquire' or something like that

"My fists clench tight to my hair, tugging it conscious as I finish," - 'it consciously as'

"I allow him help me off the ground, and even to let him lace his arm with mine." - 'him to help'

"If that someone is a Bata, than we could be in serious trouble." - 'Bata, then we'

And I surely hope it's Hamley instead of Bata... I may think the guy is evil, but I hope he's not THAT evil... I guess. :)

Rut roh, I hope Bata's not the evil one who got the second wife killed. I hope instead he was just stupid enough to mention it to the wrong person and has learned better since then.

I wonder how Lateef did manage to live if that was the real reason the second wife was killed.

Poor Bomani is all torn up still. :(

Well at least Bomani told us the full truth of the matter. Poor second wife. :(

I'm pretty sure at some time I guessed that Jarai was going to be his brother, but I sure wish we learned more because I imagine there's a lot more to him than we think. Maybe he's got some Farro powers too? Ooh fun!

Now I can't say I saw the possibility of Jarai's lineage going this way. Very interesting indeed. I do hope we'll get to meet him some day.

Aw, he's 4! I thought he'd be older. He better not be killed or something. I bet he'll be really cute too. :) I'm glad Bomani tried to protect him as best he could.

"Let's find an obliging push and get that ankle of yours fixed." - 'bush' not 'push'

Good that she's liking Bomani more or at least respecting him more now. And ew I don't know if I want to see the next chapter. :) Keep up the great work!

ngh! now we know some of Bomani's secrets! and Lateef's! awesome chapter. I'm really looking forward to Khensa trying to find more answers.

Very good! Pretty interesting!

I'm waiting anxiously for the next one. Please update soon! ˆxˆ

This is amazing. I can't wait for more!

Loved the last two chapters I hope somehow that Nessa gets dealt with, more than just being kept in her room, for attempting to murder someone.

Please update again asap :)

Another chapter already! thank you!

I didn't spot any typos. And this chapter kind of unnerves me. Bomani, digging through a creature's flesh, for a beak? Totally gross. In a good way, I guess, since it's so ... real. ew.

lol the rock. i freaking love this!

"No longer to the banks roll away in their gently cresting hills, but rather climb up into towering cliffs, casting enormous chilly shadows upon the deck." - 'longer do the banks'

"Without its warm the air is cool and damp." - 'its warmth the'

"Her and I both know that the prince could easily justify taking her head for her stupidity." - 'She and I' unless you're doing it because that's just generally how people speak

I think it'd be an interesting action for Bomani to demand her execution since she did try to kill his fiancee. :)

"The conversation pitters out, I play my hands, Bata pulls at his jacket." - 'play with my hands'

Aw I almost feel bad for Bata thinking he's being blown off... but I guess I shouldn't since I still think he's evil.

"Years ago I might have hoped to see whales, with bodies as long as our vessel." - unnecessary comma

Poor whales. :(

Somehow I feel like Bata is trying to impress them with his talk of the kraken, but then maybe I'm just trying to make him seem more silly in my mind so I can keep on disliking him as much as I want to.

I really like the suspense you've built up here about the kraken, when they're setting up to actual catch it. And good descriptions of it all, very easy to see and feel happening.

Well I'm glad they managed to catch the squid with no trouble and as I said it was very well written so that I really got into it. Very good descriptions and all. Keep up the great work! And I can't wait to learn more about Bomani as well!

:D i love the detail, the way you really made it come to life

A running commentary as I go. It's really my reviewing style since I think it lets the author know my immediate reactions to things happening in the story.

"For once I'm luck: I don't get seasick." - 'lucky'

"We spend our time above deck, seated on cushions near the fore of the ship, absorbing the pacing landscape with naïve amazement." - 'passing' rather than 'pacing' unless you know of some definition or meant this word in a different way than my brain is reading it... which definitely always a possibility.

"To the south, where the land is stepper and drier, are the wheat fields, rolling up the slope and into the hills." - 'steeper' rather than 'stepper'

"Her subtle barbs trailer after me wherever I go." - 'trail'

"That she thinks herself superior she has been made abundantly clear, but she stop her abuse until I've been made to believe it." - either 'superior has been made' or 'superior she has made' and 'she won't stop her'

"She concludes her song, and we applaud awkwardly, are faces puckered with forced smiles." - 'our faces puckered'

And I'm still finding Nessa amusing in an irritating way.

"We understand each other perfectly; she wishes me to berate me somewhere where her brother will not hear." - 'wishes to berate me'

OMG! Instead of being upset for poor Khensa being pushed overboard, I'm dying laughing. I just somehow didn't expect Nessa to push her over. I'm sure that's inappropriate but still I figure someone will come to her rescue. But wow I hadn't seen that coming and I find it hilarious how it came about really.

I really think her dying thoughts are kinda funny. I mean, she's comparing herself to a rock. But I bet this is the moment where she figures out how to get the rock out of the water without getting wet.

"It kisses me wet face, and I suck it in between watery coughs." - 'kisses my wet'

Yay Bomani! I knew he'd be the one to save the day even though you made her see Bata first. Yay! I do wonder what Bata will think about what she did. I imagine it'll have something to do with his presence in their kingdom. Maybe his people are looking for people with powers or something and something horrible will almost happen because of this.

"I'm lifted out slowly, Bomani crawling up the side of the ship with my secured upside down and under his arm." - 'with me secured upside'

I'm glad Bomani is asking some of the same questions I am. And now I'm certainly interested in finding out about this Hamley guy. Maybe he's the truly evil one, though I still think Bata's at least part evil. :)

"Bomani deposits me upon his mused bed." - 'mussed bed'

"Bata unties the man's feet, and helps him to the feet." - This sounds really awkward. So I'd change 'the' to 'his' though I guess that could be confusing too.

"They march past, the king's gaze boldly locked with mine, and Bata's face turned away completely." - but the king's not there so I'm assuming it was his servant's gaze?

"Shana instantly takes me hand in hers." - 'my hand'

"You're ankle's bad." - 'Your'

Well Bata already suspects something so maybe they should just come out and tell him. Okay, no... not really. But it would suck to have a broken ankle when you could easily fix it. I guess halfway fixing it would work.

Yay for Bomani/Khensa time! And here I was thinking he was warning her away from Bata because he's jealous. :)

"You're eyes go all fuzzy, and your skin breaks out into a cold sweat." - 'Your eyes'

"The foods mostly gone, and my strength half recovered when it occurs to me" - 'The food's mostly'

"There is but one drawer in the nightstand, and from it the princes pulls out a large jar." - 'the prince pulls'

"Their legs scratch noisy against the porcelain" - 'scratch noisily'

"Bomani takes the emptied tray to my lap, hands it to Shana, and replaces it with the beetle bowl." - 'tray from my lap'

"I imagine myself healing just as I'd down with the orchid, I imagine absorbing the life of the beetle as I had that potted plant." - this seems kind of redundant but still okay. and 'as I'd done with the orchid'

"I throw my head back against the head board." - 'headboard'

"I can't recall having told him or Lateef anything of the sort, nor could I can't recall having given any indication. So why is it that he seems to know the thing's Chike had done to me?" - 'nor could I recall' and 'the things Chike'

An excellent question really. My hope is that he found out about it and was going to save her... that was his real goal. But his father was somehow involved in it and rather than allowing him to save the girl, decided to burn the place down in the hopes of killing them all. But then I guess that might not work because then the king would be searching for this girl. So whatever... I still want to think something along those lines. P

"In my confusion I've taken to staring to the prince, and he's noticed." - 'staring at the prince'

"I hope you know I'm always hear for you." - 'here for you'

"I analyze his every touch and word and smile and yet come up none the wise. It is face upon the deck that most concerns me, his aghast stare and the bewildered arch of his brow." - 'none the wiser' and 'It is his face'

Oh I sure hope she has. And in case I've not made it clear enough at this point... I'm really pushing for Bomani to be the one she falls for because he does seem like a nice guy when he remembers to stop being kind of a jerk.

Also... keep up the great work! I love, love, love it! :)

Haha. Khensa wants to give Bomani away to Nessa. Poor Khensa. :) I find it funny that Nessa is so open about her having been working her way into an engagement to the prince.

"I don't care what you're talk about, just get out of my way." - 'talking about'

"Bata says when they're well out of." - 'well out of earshot' I suppose?

"It didn't bother me none, and it was easier for the local to say. It stuck." - 'didn't bother me any' (unless that was intentional which I suppose is possible. and 'easier for the locals to say'

I'm quite curious to learn more about this place that Bata is from. I just find them overly intriguing people (and hopefully we find out they're evil so I don't have to feel bad about my current feelings).

I'm excited to see how kraken hunting goes. I imagine it could be quite interesting.

"It's said that only those born inside know how to transverse it's roads." - 'traverse' and 'its roads'

I was wondering if Bata would pick up on her use of 'us' because well yeah... I'm actually glad he did because I am curious to see what he does with that knowledge. Maybe as part of his people's evil plot to take over the country, they will try and use her to navigate around Junktown and better take over the country that way or something... :) I always love trying to figure out complex plots by making semi-ridiculous guesses.

"t is an accident when his hand touches my own, but it's something more when allows the contact to tarry on." - 'when he allows'

And I'm not quite sure I'm liking how much development there is for a relationship between Bata and Khensa. I'm really hoping Bomani will stop being a jerk ordering her around soon so there can be some development there. I am still a bit curious to know which direction this relationship is going, but I do hope it's more than friendship in the end. :) Keep up the great work!

Oh and at the moment, I really dislike Nessa, but I am loving the fact that she seems to think Bomani is someone she should follow around and annoy (though I'm sure she doesn't think she's annoying).

I consider myself a lucky person for having found your story. This is really, really great. I hope you can update soon, because I really can't wait to see what happens next. By the way... is there going to be any TLC moment between Bomani and Khensa?

oh dear! I just reviewed by accident from my old account D: Please ignore that! I only just found it yesterday after like, six years, and argh everything there is hormone-addled and ungrammatical and utterly embarassing. Please ignore that and pretend you never heard of the account name D:

Anyway, the rest of the typos, on second reading:

"unbearable as he screeches" she

"are faces" our faces

"nothing energies" energises

"somewhere where" double whered

"It kisses me wet face" my

"with my secured upside down" me

"mind your clothes" not a typo - so sweet!

"he seen me" saw or has seen

"his mused bed" mussed

"helps him to the feet" his feet (or, better, up)

"The king's gaze" ... king's servant's ?

"take me hand" my

"you're ankle's bad" your

"from your glam." Glamour? I'm not sure whether you intend to use this as an in-world vocabulary or not, but glam is, according to pop culture, an abbreviated form of glamorous.

"when spits the word charm with disgust" he?

"you're eyes go all" your

"bee's wax" bees' wax or beeswax

"the foods mostly" food's

"from it the princes" prince

"scratch noisy" noisily

"at my ankle, its toes" ankles don't have toes. Feet have toes.

"takes the emptied tray to my lap" from

"keep myself at looking" from

"khensa heals herself with four of the beetles..." sentence you forgot to delete

"grab firm" grab firmly - I'd suggest grasp though

"So why is it that he seems to know the thing's Chike had done to me" typo - things. Also, I want to know too!

"I'm always hear" here

"It is face" his face