Reviews for Night Star
lookingwest chapter 1 . 1/29/2011
Setting- You definitley start off this with a huge sense of setting, and I think you keep it constantly a bit theme throughout. When you open with quotation from Paradise Lost, that's to be expected, but I found it interesting you were also referring to levels of hell as well. I don't believe that was in Paradise Lost, but it's been awhile-I was sort of expecting Emaranth to land in a lake of fire, or Pandemonium. However, I think it's cool that you're drawing from other works of literature inspired by the Bible, and inspired by the concept of angels.

Characters- I liked the way that you interjected the little sparks of mortal personality in Emaranth. You give him (not 100% positive if angels have gender here, though Izara seemed to be male) a personality through describing his favorite things in his villa and through his boldness of defying Izara to test his limits. I liked to see that strength and boldness come through, but his pride and wish for pushing the limits already seems like it would probably be a condemning factor on his character-perhaps why he's now in hell.

Enjoyment- I enjoyed this, I actually thought some of your descriptions were pretty metal-if that makes any sense, haha. And I don't mean that in a bad sense at all, I was just really surprised at some of the elevated and hardcore description you do in rich word use like "vista" and "mosaic", things like that-there were other examples but those just come to my mind. You describe everything quite richly and it does slow down the pace, but even if the pace is slower, I think you did a good job keeping it consistent and thus making it another enjoyable aspect. I also thought it was interesting that you've completely taken God "The Father" out of this entire chapter and equation. You instead place Izara as "The Father", and Angels creating Angels is something I've never seen before-I would expect God to be the creator, and for Izara to be attributing his small role to God-but there wasn't any profound mention of him in the narration. I thought that provided a unique take.

Spelling/Grammar-

...like a grinning school from the outside...

-Style: I found this strange for a fallen angel to say, since even though this angel might know about mortal life, who's to say they have ever attended a school or experienced going to a school so that it would give them inspiration to say "like a grinning school"? It just felt like an out of character simile.

...(used to cut hearts open.)

-Edit: period should be on outside of parentheses

I rest on a lavish divan...

-Style: would start new paragraph here

...decaying and beautiful in its death.

-Style: I would re-word as "...beautiful in its decay."

...when it pleases it.

-Style: this is a weird clause because I don't know who "it" is referring to? Maybe it should just leave off the last "it" and end on "pleases"?

...an unfolding kaleidoscope of scenes.

-Loved this line

The cocoon of light that bathed me died down as I...

-Style: would omit "down"

-The rising sun.

-Style: I would un-capitalize "the"

In medias res, the middle of things.

-Enjoyed this line, nice literary term there

"You – you cannot kill me,"

-Edit: the comma should be a period
this wild abyss chapter 1 . 1/28/2011
I liked your use of short fragments throughout this because it helped to solidify the imagery and descriptions.

The narrator's tone throughout this was a bit inconsistent, though. At times it was overly formal and others it was modern and just chill. To avoid feelings of disjointedness and inconsistency, I'd suggest picking one style of narration and sticking with it.