Reviews for Stone
Doomsday'sMascot chapter 5 . 3/1/2011
Ha! It's Edward Cullen! STALKER! At least he wasn't watching her sleep or anything...

The first half of this chapter was good, but I thought the second half was a little confusing. At first, I couldn't tell where James was. For some reason I thought he was back at the foster home or something, then Jack showed up and I was confused. And then I missed the part when the younger dude showed up and I thought it was still Jack/Rob. But all that could have just been me, since I was up late last night annotating something for English, and today I can't read or write worth crap. I hate homework. But I did like scrawling 'bad word choice' and 'cliche' all over the pages. Anyway, I think it wasn't just me when the younger dude showed up and I had no idea where they were headed. Rob said something about a new school, was that it? Or was that supposed to be suspense? (Damn, don't listen to a thing I say in this review.)

The Hunters/Stalkers (something like that) part made sense. However, later on there might be a problem. Hunters sounds a lot like Trackers, and basically means the same thing, which will make it hard to remember which is which. It also doesn't help that you first referred to the Trackers as bounty hunters. (I think you did)

Sorry, don't listen to a thing I said in the second paragraph. I looked over it again, and it looks fine. Probably just me.
Doomsday'sMascot chapter 3 . 2/26/2011
Aargh! I missed a chapter! How'd I miss a whole chapter? Grr... now my reviews will be out of order...

This review isn't gonna be very critical, 'cause I just finished my math homework and my brain is fried. I can't concentrate on anything. Speaking of which, the mousepad on my laptop is off center! It's way to the left! I never noticed it before, but now it's really bothering me.

Anyway. This is a really funny chapter. I love... (gosh, what's his name?) Ryan! Ryan's reaction to the floating potato chips. Cheese and onion? Huh... Is that two seperate bags, or a combination of flavors? I've never had cheese and onion, but it sounds really good. Ahh... Screw you, math homework! I think I had something serious to say.

Oh yeah. Right. I think there's a line of dialogue missing, in between "But I only found out yesterday, so I'm not very good." and "Well, apart from the fact that may parents are either dead or don't care about me, yeah, sure." (Added two commas. Couldn't help it.). Was Ryan supposed to have said something?

Also, Ths chapter is very well edited. The voice isn't overdone, which sometimes happens in first person, and the fluency is almost perfect. And there are hardly any wierd spots - except maybe 'Ryan was putting up a barrage of persistent questioning.', which sounds sorta funny. It sounds like a spell or something. You know, you run into battle and shout "BARRAGE OF PERSISTENT QUESTIONING!" and all your enemies fall down dead. But I kind of like it, it sounds like something your main character would say.

My sister has Angel on her kindle, but she won't let me read it yet! Gah!

This review took me twenty minutes to write! Darn you, Mr. Stone! Hey, look... my math teacher has the same last name as your main character... I think. Sorry, just gave you a buttload of hits looking for James's last name.
Emmaa x chapter 4 . 2/17/2011
love it!

keep the updates coming :)
Emmaa x chapter 2 . 2/17/2011
interesting... I like it :)

update soon!
Emmaa x chapter 1 . 2/16/2011
Sounds interesting... i can't wait to hear what comes next. keep updating )
Doomsday'sMascot chapter 4 . 2/14/2011
Yay, you updated! None of my other poeple are updating, and I'm too lazy too find new people. Besides, they won't update either. Grr...

The beginning of this chapter really didn't do it justice. I open it up, and what do I see? A gargantuan blob of text. Boom! I stared at it for a couple seconds, and then I had to leave for a while to have some chocolate and phsyche myself up. One thing readers really hate is giant paragraphs. It's probably because something about them just screams "Infodump! you wish you could skip me, but you know you'll be confused later!". But it wasn't an infodump, so there's no excuse. In fact, it was part of an action sequence, which usually have smaller paragraphs to give everything more emphasis. That big blob could have easily have been broken down into smaller paragraphs to make it easier to swallow. Every time the main idea of a paragraph shifts, you should start a new paragraph. A new paragraph signals a new topic, and readers become pretty accustomed to that signal. If you have a giant paragraph that has multiple subjects, you'll screw them up.

Wow, Doom! Skip the lecture! Um... Moving on.

Speaking of infodumps, there was a great big one later in the scene. These are pretty unavoidable, but they're also reeaally boring. They're so darn boring that readers often skim through them to get to the action, and therefore never actually absorb the information. That's what makes these suckers so hard to handle. One thing you could have done to make it easier would be spacing it out between chapters. What's His Face (James's uncle) could have just given him the most basic overview, and say that he'll explain it in detail later. Then, the next chapter, after throwing in something interesting, you have him explain it. You have several chapters to explain everything. The audience doesn't have to know every detail from the third chapter. Besides, the longer you keep information away from your readers, the more they want it. And the more they want it, the more likely they are to actually listen.

I know I'm being critical today, but one last thing. You seem to almost always put the subject before the predicate when you write. This way, you end up starting three or more sentences in a row with 'I'. This really screws with the fluency, so you should probably vary the sentence structure a bit. For example, instead of, "I dropped the gun and jumped off the cliff." You could write, "Dropping the gun, I jumped off the cliff." Probably knew that already, but oh well.

I'm gonna bet What's His Face (Yeah, I'm bad with names) is here to teach James how to use his powers. Thank you for not turning him into Gandalf. Every teacher turns into him, and god am I sick of it. Argh. I'm interested to see how you pull off the training, 'cause that seems to be where a buttload of people screw up. Let's see if you do! You just might be able to pull it off.

Whoo! I think that might be the longest review I've written...
Doomsday'sMascot chapter 2 . 2/5/2011
No no no not football... Wait... Oh! Okay!

Dude, you actually pulled that off! I was expecting him to blast that guy to outer space, and then everybody would gasp in shock and bow down around him. And then Gandalf would jump out of the bushes and say, "You are a magical pixie and you have awesome powers!" And the magical pixie main character would say, "Really? Wow!" And never doubt him/herself again!

But no!

I loved James' reaction. He writes 'it's real!' on his hand and thinks of what he'll do tomorrow with it. Man, I can't wait to see what he pulls...
Doomsday'sMascot chapter 1 . 2/5/2011
Great first chapter! I am shocked by the lack of spelling mistakes. Usually there are more than a few, but from what I could tell, you're clean. About dang time somebody made use of their spell check.

I would have preferred more action for a first chapter, but your main character really kind of sucked me in. He has an actual personality, and that's rare for this site. Gosh, I already care about him. You also have a strong voice, which really helps bring your characters to life.

Great job! Keep writing!
Liquorice Allsorts chapter 3 . 2/4/2011
Hey, this is pretty good so far

Keep going!

Good luck

- Tarver
arcanehex77 chapter 2 . 2/1/2011
Very good. I liked it a lot. Can't wait for the next chapter! Update soon? You seem like a good writer. I'm on my first story on . I also have stories on but they're much more popular than this one. It's been up for a while and I haven't gotten one review. Could you check it out and tell me what you think? I only have the summary up right now. All is explained in the first chapter. The story's called Rush:Dying is a Sport. I'd really appreciate that! It's kind of hard to find really good writers like yourself who won't give me all bs in their reviews. Thanks!
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