|Reviews for Coma Kids|
| wayfaringstrangers chapter 6 . 7/5/2012
I feel as if Oliver is the bad guy here. Ugh, I really don't like him. He gives me bad vibes. And Alice just annoys me.
| thetabbykitteh chapter 1 . 4/26/2012
This is one thing I didn't like-
Didn't matter their age, they just left 'em on the doorsteps of their homes with a four-by-two card that had a number to contact in the event the patient showed any signs of life.
(The wording here seems off maybe it shoult be, "Their age didn't matter, they just left em...)
This is one thing I did like-
The fact that there was a Coma outbreak rather than the typical zombie or virus outbreak we see so much in the sci-fi and supernatural genres today. The idea was creative, and the story well written. It is an excellent story,
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 6 . 4/2/2012
I really like the little touches of description throughout this; especailly the ones about Alice and her cigarettes, the ash, etc. Not much critique here - just one tiny thing that jumped out at me; [I'm not gonna lie to you, I was tempted.] the 'to you' kind of jerked me out of the story a bit. I think using things like you, in a mostly first person story, can have that effect; maybe just have it as (I was tempted.)? It might have a little bit more impact that way, too. Anyway, great stuff and I can't wait for the next chapter.
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 5 . 3/15/2012
I think you could have built up the tension a bit more here. For the most part, I really like the sparse feeling to it, but in places it can make it feel just a little jumpy. Maybe just a litlte more description/action or, like I said, build-up? Just a suggestion. Really interesting name with Ma773w, part of me was expecting an explanation for it and although I would have liked to see one, I really like that there isn't one, like his name is just...normal. Can't wait to see more.
| berley chapter 1 . 3/2/2012
I remember reading this on Tumblr so I thought I would pop over here and let you know what I think of the first chapter, especially since I noticed that you recently updated it.
I’m normally not a fan of a chapter being completely exposition, but you pulled it off quite well here. The first two paragraphs really hooked me in; I liked how understated the language is, like with the detail of Oda’s body being so mangled that they couldn’t even get a dental to identify her. You give me just enough information to get me interested, but leave enough details out that I’m left guessing about who this character actually is, and why she is important and why the hell she got hit by a car. Haha.
I think my favourite aspect of this chapter is the language. It’s casual, somewhat simple and has this conversational tone to it which makes it clear and easy to read, but it still gives the narrator a bit of a personality. It’s because of this that I don’t mind all the exposition, it’s not boring to read at all.
A couple of the technical things behind the story pulled me out of the plot a bit, but that’s just from me being a bit nitpicky and over thinking too much. So this one medication managed to cure all different types of schizophrenia? And how many schizophrenics are in one town that if they all went into a coma the hospital would be so full they would have to send kids home? Wouldn’t they have to give their families a bit of training before sending them home too? Even if you are perfectly healthy when in a coma there are medical things that need to be done to sustain someone if they’re in a coma long term. Though, this is fiction so I could just be over thinking things while reading your story.
I enjoyed this chapter. It’s a great way to start a story that sounds like it’s going to be really original. I hope I have the time to sit down and read another chapter again soon, and I’m so glad you’re updating this story again.
| Inkspilled chapter 1 . 2/3/2012
This sounds very interesting. You have a very clear crisp narrative voice, I'm looking forward to reading more. :)
| Guest chapter 4 . 12/26/2011
Great opening line, with the house exhaling. It works brilliantly, and it's subtly striking. I like how you conveyed the idea of her kind of zoning out - again, it was subtle, and nothing is pushed down the reader's throat. Great conversation between the characters, and I like how you sprinkle in parts about the world throughout it, so we're learning more about the characters and this world as it moves along. Really great stuff, can't wait for the next chapter.
| TomWhite chapter 1 . 12/12/2011
Hi, and thanks for this submission. I loved the summary and had to start reading.
But, I would like to submit some pointers, if I may:
Facts, facts, facts... You must do some hard-core research to bring this whole story up a notch.
- How many people suffer from schitzophrenia? Can it really be fifty thousand in a single province? And more around the country?
- Comatose patients can't be left on a doorstep. When comatose, the body must still be nourished (hence the tubes, drip-feeding vital fluids), and exercised because muscles get atrophied and skin develops nasty plaques of dead cells that can start to decay...
Those are the two first things that sprung to my mind and broke me out of the story.
There is also a small grammar mistake in the 6th paragraph:
"So what did they do with those extra patients? I'm sure you're first thought is that [...]" - it should be "your" not "you're" - you're is a contraction of "you are", your is possessive, belonging to you.
Now that I've told you this, I will continue to read the story - because I'm really curious as to how this turns out!
Please let me know if this review was helpful to you!
Thanks and kind regards,
| lookingwest chapter 4 . 11/26/2011
I heard the house exhale as soon as Alice and Oliver had left. [Style: would tighten by omitting "had"]
She had finally come out of the kitchen once she knew Alice had left. [Style: again, would omit the "had"s and change "come" to "came"]
Loved the details of the rag being like Alice's throat, it was a good moment and a strong visual with a hint of humor.
...stopping on the second to peer at a painting Sid had done a few weeks back... [Style: would maybe omit "had done" and just say "did"]
After that, he had sworn off dreams forever... [Style: omit "had sworn", replace with "swore"]
Absolutely loved the paragraph describing Iwan's hair, it's beautiful. Very, very strong writing, really liked that. I think it also does well to illuminate some of the background information-that she doesn't know what trees look like in a real setting, et cetera. Gave good background while remaining a strong image.
He was standing on the top step... [Style: "He stood"]
...the other unwrapping the wolf-fur scarf he had someone buy for him in Ward. [Style: "the wolf-fur scarf [someone bought] for him in Ward."]
They had brought back a matching hat... [Style: maybe to avoid verb repetition break it up with "They [even brought] back a matching hat..." something like that, but would omit "had"]
Superstition plagued them and those who had stayed behind... [Style: put in a comma after "them" and would omit "had"]
He was gasping for breath, sucked air greedily. [Style: maybe "He gasped for breath and sucked air greedily."]
My mind was swirling, though... [Style: Maybe "My mind swirled..."]
I like this chapter a lot! I think my favorite thing that you continue to do and that carried over from earlier chapters is the concept of time. It's so disjointed, and I love that about it. You never are quite sure how much time has passed when in Adrienne's POV and that technique is one I don't see used often in novel-formats, so this is great and I love how you handle it.
I like Iwan better than Sid at the moment, I don't know why he just appears more level-headed, but I like how the discussion of stocking up came into being, and then how you also carry over the ways the group survives. I especially liked the line about how the group is nomadic and has to move soon. There's this big sense of urgency in it. The little bits about Alice were good too, and then how you incorporate the way they survive at market and what they eat primarily for food.
I think this story is so cool and I really love the developments :3 I'm a bit scatter-brained, but let me know if you have any specific questions about the story. So far I'm really digging the developments and the mystery, like people who were mentioned we haven't met yet (I don't think) like Maenads. Can't wait to find out more. (oh also, yay Sprawl reference!) XD.
Really loved this Liana and I hope to see more in the near future :)
| Devil's Playground chapter 4 . 11/26/2011
So excited to see an update on this!
I really love your writing style with this story - everything is so understated, but effectively so. Details are sparse, but the descriptions you do give are very vivid and just enough to ground me in the story. The style really adds to the content as well, and helps capture that strange, surreal, dreamlike way that Adrienne seems to view the world. The way you handle passage of time (or, rather, leaps in time that Adrienne doesn't notice happening) is also really effective and well-done!
The dialogue is great as well. All of it feels very natural and believable, and like your narration, you manage to say a lot in very few words. You do a great job of capturing how lost Adrienne is as far as time/reality, and how the others subtly express their concern for her.
I love the whole paragraph describing Iwan, and all the nature imagery used - your language is so pretty!
Oh wow, I didn't really realize how dire their situation is until you described how they use Oda to get food and supplies... sheesh. Well, I guess they caught a lucky break having her around...
You describe Sid's urgency really effectively as well; it really shows how dependent on H2 they are, and how frantic it makes them to be running short. I love the details about how Adrienne is overwhelmed by Sid's urgency, especially the line "my brain hissed." Great wording.
Trails flew from my mouth now. I saw the words as I spoke them. They dangled, hung, fell heavy upon the wooden floor. - Wow, awesome imagery! Really shows how disconnected from reality she is. Picturing that is very cool, but also frightening thinking about how muddled her brain must be.
Great chapter, again. I'm really loving this story and your writing style, can't wait to read more!
| Devil's Playground chapter 3 . 8/24/2011
"forehead still warm from the kiss Iwan had planted on it before he left" - I really like this line, understated and simple but still very sweet.
Again, I really like the dialogue all throughout this, and the subtle characterization it does. Having Adrienne ask twice what day it is was a really effective way to show just how detached from the "real world" she is. Oda's concerns do seem well-placed. The narration does an excellent job of subtly showing how distant and spacy Adrienne is.
And wow, I love Alice's entrance. I immediately had a really strong impression of her character, and could imagine her so clearly. I love the description of her outfit and her mannerisms.
Adrienne's interactions/response to Oliver is curious. I can't quite tell what the relationship between the two is like yet, but I'm definitely intrigued.
I love the slang here, it really helps show more of the world you've created. The use of "holy" is really interesting and cool!
And this is where the sad truth hits, and I remember that there are only three chapters up and you haven't updated in months. :c Awweh. Well, I'm really, really enjoying this story so far, and I hope that you'll continue writing it at some point! I will be back to read more if you do.
| Devil's Playground chapter 2 . 8/24/2011
I really love the simplistic style you have going here. You never pause too long to explain anything (thankfully, most of the background information is out of the way already) or to focus too much on one particular idea or image. The narrative really flows. It's a nice balance, too; neither too choked up with description or too fast-paced to follow.
And the imagery, while always concise and fairly simple, is also really powerful and effective. I love the idea of their dream sort of leaking into the real world after they wake up. The color imagery is really well written, and I love love love the image of Oda's hair turning to feathers.
I really like the distinctions of "first" and "second" reality, really interesting way to phrase that.
The dialogue is really well done here, as well. You don't have all that much of it, but it really helps characterize everyone. You do an excellent job of showing, rather than telling, what their various characters are like. It's already easy to draw distinctions between them. I like Sid's little "revelation" rant as well, and Iwan's reaction to it.
Another great (albeit short) chapter, I'm off to read more!
| Devil's Playground chapter 1 . 8/23/2011
So... I know you haven't updated this for a while, but the summary caught my eye, and once I started reading I couldn't stop... so, here's a review for it even though it might be inactive now. ;P
The opening paragraph is excellent. It's a very quick and effective hook, and I love how you give us the information concerning Oda's death before you even really tell us who she is. Like I said, as soon as I started reading this I couldn't tear my eyes away - it's a great hook, and stays interesting all the way through.
I really like the casual, conversational tone of the narration. It's fun to read, and an effective way of getting information across without making it seem like you're just dumping a ton of exposition. A lot of information is revealed here, but it was presented in a way interesting and simple enough that I didn't get bogged down by it at all.
And wow, the idea of Holy Holy and the way it's affected society is so, so unique and intriguing. I really want to see more of the world you've built here, and the drug itself. :o I also find it very interesting that there's a *chance* of falling into a coma, but not everybody does it... so of course, most people would be willing to make that gambit.
Overall, I really love this so far. I'm definitely going to continue reading as soon as I get back from dinner!
| Oogle via. Tumblr chapter 1 . 6/10/2011
So, right. I'm really digging this thing. I love how it's like a conglomeration of all your more hip and awesome-sauce writings, like that one poem whose name escapes me at the moment. Anyway, I like it. There was one typo, I think, but other than that the writing was sound, and the concept is great. (Turning off inner-reviewer now.) I'm liking this. A lot.
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 3 . 2/25/2011
I love the slang you've created for these characters; "Holy" is a great word to use, and it works really well. I feel like you effectively make the reader feel a certain way towards the different characters; Alice is unlikeable, but still interesting to read. And you get the sense, very strongly, of Audry being pretty much out of it throughout, without it being overstated, so good job with that. There were a few typos/mistakes but I think other reviewers have pointed them out. Overall, a good chapter and I look forward to seeing the next one.