|Reviews for He is not scratching his eye|
| simpleplan13 chapter 1 . 2/4/2011
"Throw winter at the wall"... shouldn't it be throws?
I liked the alliteration throughout the piece. It worked really well.
I like the fact that the whole piece is a description of what this guy does. It's a really great idea for a piece and it creates a nice flow and a good image in my friend. The only thing is the part about the other poet through me off at first because of the word sometimes and then sour breath in the corner is one of those misplaced something or other that makes it sound like the breath is in the corner. Anyway, I liked the piece!
-Review Marathon this weekend (link in my profile)-
| lipleaf chapter 1 . 2/3/2011
One of my favorite parts about this is the rhythm you have going. I feel like everything flows to a steady beat and I could almost read it out loud to a metronome. You have lovely alliteration in the first part of the poem, and the last stanza is where the beat is strongest. Normally it might be a bit off-putting, but I find that it fits quite well with your tone and the subject matter.
You have fascinating descriptions-
"Curls fists in innuendo like
the chunks of a rose unfurled" and
"Throw winter at the wall" are particularly striking.
One suggestion I might make is that starting off with an action ("curls" rather than "He curls," "Throw" rather than "He throws") makes the poem feel a bit abrupt, or disjointed.
| recycle rhymes chapter 1 . 1/31/2011
i thought this was really clever. and the soundscape of this piece was perfection. i love, love the way that your words roll around in my ears, (not that i read them out loud), but just imagining the way it sounds in my head, it's pretty.
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 1/29/2011
I think my favorite stanza of this was the last one, I like how you separated it out, because it was there as almost an afterthought or a "waking up the next day" from the last stanza, and the attitude was just wonderful. In the first stanza I loved how you richly brought a character to life, loved the meta-poem dimension by mentioning "captivates the poet with her" because of the attention there to make aware that in a sense, this is a poem we're reading as well. I liked the attention to setting because again, it brought it to life, and the sentence and punctuation structure of the stanzas also helped create a wonderful flow, I loved the comma usage in the first seven lines.
| amavian chapter 1 . 1/28/2011
interesting. i think this is very relivent to the moment if that makes sense.