|Reviews for Off The Radar|
| Who Is This Girl Anyway chapter 2 . 10/25/2011
I love the fact that you're writing about a 99 year old. It shows a bit of originality, since a lot of stories are about teenagers.
"The sun sweltered and the sun burnt the skin of Batavia's residents." I like the description here- vivid without being flowery.
"Syerl was a very angry person, especially when something went wrong. He only broke his teacher's hand a week ago, and many other threatening messages to other members of the staff." I'm glad that you backed the statement up with something as opposed to just saying he was an angry person.
"Syerl was already smiling with the fantastic idea of true revenge." This again says a lot about his personality. I'm not totally sure I like Syerl.
I noticed an occasional mistake regarding tense, but less than before, and this chapter is better than the last. I think you ended this well and I'm looking forward to seeing what happens next.
| datonman chapter 4 . 10/20/2011
First three chapters were good. The characters and plan were set up in a good, consistent fashion. Ocean's Eleven couldn't pull it off. However, it is not until chapt. 4 where it stated that the passengers along with the plane fell to the ocean and Syerl parachuted out. Wouldn't he land in the ocean as well?
It is this question that propels me to one to read further. In other words, it is pretty suspenseful.
| Who Is This Girl Anyway chapter 1 . 9/10/2011
This looks like an interesting concept. The only thing I noticed was that the tense changes from past to present in the third paragraph. Also, it's perhaps a little early to describe Ron.
That said, it should be interesting to see where this goes, and you have some nice description. Good luck and keep going.
| Thieves R Us chapter 2 . 8/22/2011
Part 2 of my reviews! Let's see where this goes...
Really, my criticisms in general can be summed up that you aren't showing us a story, it sounds like you're giving a summary of a story. It's all tell, not show. At first I felt you were trying to be brief intentionally to get through things, but now it just seems that with your style, you don't divulge anything. The second one is useless information you give, such as the fact it was hot in a flashback. It adds nothing to the story at all. Building a setting is fine, but makes sure everything always builds to things.
Here, this may be a better way to present it. You've no need to take advice, but this could help you considerably.
- Introduce Syerl at work and show his boss being a dick
- Syerl dealing with it and so forth, show his inner workings and just tell aspect about backstory (I did like that part) there in narrative while he's dealing with it
- Have him jump off the slippery slope after that and build plan.
Otherwise, your story is no different than this: The Joker is a mad man. He had an evil plan. He was going to blow up the Gotham Dam to play a joke on the town. From what I see so far in actual story potential, you've imagination. You just need to bring it out the right way.
| Thieves R Us chapter 1 . 8/22/2011
Greetings there, gent! I noticed your upload in the Writer's Bar and seeing as Mystery/Crime storylines interest me, I felt it best to give you a review. I shall do 1 for each chapter and focus upon that.
Now, as for prologue, I can't really say this was strong. There really wasn't anything going on to hook me in. The events in passing themselves were pretty dull overall aside from part with dark clouds and radio about airport havok. Finally, Ron just felt bland to me so far. He doesn't really have my sympathy, like, dislike, or such. He just seems an average guy doing his average job to me.
A particular spot I have to bring up is the opening sentence. I'd replace it with something else. It's not something that hooks in. Introducing said elements aren't bad and progressively revealing setting, but I just feel that it's weak prologue. I will warn that when using a prologue, it puts extra effort on you to have to hook in audience twice. First with prologue and then with chapter one. Just some food for thought there for you when it comes to plotting.
I do dislike I had to start with so much negativity, I hope I can turn that around with these coming chapters. I will say I do enjoy your approach in writing since you don't try to over complicate things. This is a nice, smooth read for me so far. My main problem can be summed up in I felt prologue was dull.
| Angel Ella chapter 4 . 6/26/2011
AHHH! This was so good!
I would like to find out more about Syerl's time in the Japanese POW camp. I think that it would allow us readers to understand what his life has been like to lead him to do something like this.
As for your questions, I don't feel like it is rushed. It does build up nicely. The Syerl parts have a quickened tone, but I think that is how he is feeling. Jumpy and nervous, you know? And the Grater Family parts feel more relaxed because they don't know what is going to happen.
As for the vocab, I love the wording that you use. Especially at the end when you are describeing the button and the explosion. It was incredibly intense in a really good way. I could almost feel the tangible and raw emotion. And then you see Syerl who is pleased. It is an amazing chapter!
PLEASE POST MORE SOON!
| Vernelley chapter 4 . 6/25/2011
Heyhey, it's been a while -
I think the buildup and pacing is fine. Your vocab has improved a bit too, like with your use of 'lackadaisically' to describe Syerl.
You might just want to keep an eye out for paragraphing; relevant lines can go together in paragraphs instead of separately.
The emotional level is a little bit flat. There is a little here and there, but not really much. Just something you could work on :)
Overall, great work. Good to hear from you again :)
| Dr. Self Destruct chapter 2 . 6/25/2011
Hello again! -
Syerl definitely sounds like an angry person, as you describe him in the beginning. I wonder if it's just anger towards his boss that makes him kill all those people, or if it's something more. To have such a desire for blood is normally either caused by mental instability, or a very dark past. I am intrigued to learn more about the main character, because he seems like there's more to him than meets the eye.
I'm not really sure how I feel about him going to such lengths as to kill all those innocent people just to get at his boss. He seems like a villainous character indeed. I can understand why they lock him away for so long. I am beginning to wonder if he'll be any different come his release - I suppose the only way to find out is to continue reading. :)
I noticed there are a lot of numbers in this chapter. From what I've read in creative writing books, it's always a wise choice to write out numbers that are below 100. Using numbers like 9 or 41 (unless in reference to time, temperature, names, ect.) make the story itself lose the professionalism. Just a minor detail of course. -
Just thinking about the bomb makes me nervous. I think you do a great job creating some suspense here at the end of the chapter - it lets us feel Seryl's anger and helps us somewhat relate to him. From what I have seen, the mind of a villain is always something people will find interesting, mainly because or how taboo it is. Great job, I'll be sure to read more tomorrow after I get home from work! -
| Dr. Self Destruct chapter 1 . 6/25/2011
Greetings from the Roadhouse!
I like the summary of this story, it sounds very different from anything I've ever read. I have always enjoyed the thought of redemption and people being given a second chance. Sounds like this story is going to end on a sad note, though, considering the main character is near his death bed. :(
I enjoyed the descriptions you gave of the sunset. I love sunsets, they are so beautiful, and I think you did well in capturing that beauty. I like how your explanation of Ron's appearance isn't too in depth, you give me just enough so I can picture him in my mind, yet you do not overload me with the unnecessary 'fluff'. Good job with that. :)
I've noticed a few areas where there were some extra commas, let me see if I can find an example:
[The CV-440 touched down perfectly, and sped down the other end of the runway.]
This sentence you can take the comma out before the and, mainly because the clause [sped down the other end of the runway] isn't a complete sentence and cannot stand on its own. In that situation you want to omit the commas before any conjunctions.
[It was evening, nearing the end of the control tower workers shift.]
Also, worker's is missing an apostrophe.
One last little detail I noticed:
[It has a tripletail and a dolphin fuselage, and that is why it is easy to recognize.]
This sentence is told in present tense when the rest of the chapter is in past tense. It's always a good idea to stick with one or the other in order to not confuse the reader. :)
Anyway, good job on your prologue!
| LiberryBooked chapter 3 . 5/19/2011
One thing that struck me as odd with this chapter was how for the first part each sentence was its own paragraph. Why is that? Other than that I feel like this chapter was a stronger chapter and you do a lot more showing rather than telling. I almost wish this chapter had been longer though. Not much really happened in this chapter. But other than that it was good.
| LiberryBooked chapter 2 . 5/19/2011
I liked how you started off the story with Syerl when he was an angry kid. I would recommend expanding the part about why he was blowing the man up though. We get the impression he's crazy, but show us he's crazy. You're doing a lot of telling in this chapter and that very quickly gets boring for most readers. Showing Syerl in his natural environment will allow readers to understand his personality without you having to tell everything :).
| drazer434 chapter 1 . 5/16/2011
From the Roadhouse
The premise of this story is intriguing, but I'm not quite sure about this as a prologue. There is no hook to make the reader want to read on. The summary of the story seems really interesting, but this chapter didn't especially catch my attention in any way. But maybe that's just me.
I think your writing style works in this situation, although it isn't the style I tend to prefer. Your style is very precise and relatively simple, which works in getting the point across and seems to reflect the personality of Ron in this instance. Being a fantasy writer I prefer more flowery writing, but I think in the case of your story it works. It certainly doesn't stop me from being able to visualise the story which is good.
One thing I've picked up on is that you sometimes switch tenses: e.g. [Ron has pitch-black hair, and an olive tanned skin with a nose a little longer than most. The vivid colours made Ron's eyes water, and he decided to glance to the left, and gaze at the sky above the glistening ocean.] - You start off in the present tense with Ron "has", then change to the past tense with "decided to glance". Just make sure it is consistent throughout.
| LiberryBooked chapter 1 . 5/15/2011
I feel like you could have done a better job of captivating your reader in the first chapter. You don't need to give a physical description of the character so quickly. It might help more to describe his personality and behavior so that the readers can better relate to him.
I think your summary was captivating so you have a good thing going for you, but you should definitely try to show more of that in your first chapter.
(When you get the chance I'd love a review on Meet Me at the Altar)
| Daphne Auguste chapter 3 . 5/15/2011
Again, a wonderfully suspenseful chapter. I like how you set it up so that the reader has a dark idea of what might happen but is still egged to keep going because you haven't actually revealed everything yet.
Kudos to you, dude.
Anyhow, just a few suggestions:
"Her polish heels clicked loudly, when they contacted with the pavement" sounds a little awkward. What about 'came into contact' with?
I love the detail about planes you add into the story. It just makes it so much more realistic.
Oh, the pacing and suspense of it is just right.
This story is pretty much incredible, in terms of that.
| Daphne Auguste chapter 2 . 5/15/2011
Erm, some minor grammar and tense mistakes (like in the last sentence I think it should be "his goal was to get revenge") and yeah, you did a good job of explaining Syerl who is ambitious and has a angry and somewhat vengeful personality.
At this point in time, the story could be heading down two paths:
One: Syerl is caught, though that probably won't happen, due to all the foreshadowing and the fact that its 1952.
Two: Bill Grater will die, Syerl may die, or he may escape and this tragedy will have repercussions on the later generations.
Can I repeat that I like your straightforward writing style so very much?