very very twilight.

gwenalice

sebastianjasper

aldenedward

selinabella

changing d names doesnt make it a different story. try being original, this is more or less plagiarism.

good luck

p.s. if u want 2 reply (bcoz i noe getting bad reviews is a bitch and u probz want to defend yourself) send me a PM (Kiveda is my real fp name, im just too lazy to log in)

Perhaps Gwendolyn needs to cut herself off from her mate. Sebastian has forgotten that HIS mate was once human as well. He has blinded himself to the pain of being kept from one's mate by his hatred of humans. Gwendolyn needs to remind him what it means to have a mate, and to show him the pain that BOTH Alden and Selina are existing with by being apart... perhaps if Sebastian felt even a fraction of their pain he would understand the harm he is allowing to continue.

I think Gwendolyn should refuse to have anything to do with her mate until he stops coming between Aden and HIS mate.

I do not usually respond to poorly constructed reviews as I do not feel they even merit acknowledgment, but this one does.

If you don't like it, quit reading it. Silently.

It is obvious that the author borrowed themes and ideas from Twilight, but they have been twisted and reconstructed in a way that they have a new life. I say bravo to reinventing and remastering something so vague into a story that is actually enjoyable and has a definitive plot.

Keep writing.

Does anybody else find this familer? I'll tell you why, because its all from the twilight series. And its a crappy version of it too.

Okay, the long awaited complete story overview.

1) Beginning, elaborate until you hate this story

2) Make family connections more known

3) Edit a ton and a half. Errors take away from the quality of the work.

4) A caution, you put a lot of yourself in with the book references. You will regret it if you do that very much.

5) Fight scenes are lacking in quality. Describe more. A fight scene should take at least a little less than a full page.

6) The bad guys are killed off far to easily.

7) What happened to Kayley? No one likes loose ends.

8) Story time. The portions when the vamp family is telling about their origins should be more passionate. They are telling about the wounds of their past.

9) Use a thesaurus.

10) Love scenes. Need work. Read the works off other people and see how they do it.

There are just a couple of things to work on. I did like the plot, but more depth has to be added. Work hard. I recommend a beta because no one likes editing and it's good to have someone make sure no errors are overlooked. I think that you have a long road ahead of you if you would like to have this be a quality piece of literature, but I also think you are capable of doing so. I wish you much luck.

-Noir Cendre Lune

et mon koi

The beginning chapters were lacking but the are becoming better. I don't like this sad turn in the story, but that's not saying anything bad about your story telling. I'm quite enjoying this little tale you've written.

Right, so what I should have said is that you give me the impression that English isn't your first language. Like how you would speak to someone whose English was very good, but you'd be able to tell that English wasn't their native language. That sort of thing. Just saying.

So far, the idea of the story seems pretty okay. I do ,however, have a problem with the writing. It's not bad, per se, but there is a sense of stilted-ness to it that makes for slightly awkward reading - the pairing of words (wincing against rather than wincing at, for example); the lack of abbreviations. In the last chapter, you wrote, "I am headed that way, too." Now, there's nothing wrong with that, but nobody says that, unless you're just starting to learn 's just little things like that.

I have a little issue with the stereotypical nature in which the vampires are portrayed. Spend more time on character development. They feel a bit static to me. The idea is good and with some elaboration, it would be fantastic. In the first chapter, clarify the positions of all the characters. I was a little thrown off by the family ties.

Might I say before I even venture to read the first word that I am impressed. Deeply so. You have written so many chapters and yet you have only gotten 12 reviews. I find that disrespectful that readers will read but not review. Urg. I'll try to review every couple of chapters but no promises. I'm looking forward to reading. :)

So much has happened. Wow. Haha. These have been really great chapters. I can not wait to read what happens next. :)

write more please, is he turning her into a vampire then?

I've only read the first chapter and all I'm thinking the entire time I'm reading is: Twilight. The whole extremely pretty supernatural creatures, living an area with lots of overcast. Also one of them interested in a girl with brown curls while he sees her at school?

I just doesn't seem very original to me, but then again, I didn't read the entire story so I could very well be wrong. I'm just telling you that that's the assumption I made after reading the first chapter.

New reader i'm so glade she came to her senses i just hope alden does not start up with his shit.

Ooh, I like how this is starting out! Alden is so adorable, and Selina so deliciously angst-y. I wonder what will happen between the two of them (as though I don't know!)?