|Reviews for Jacington|
| rgarner31 chapter 1 . 9/18/2011
- So im instantly intrigued by the relationship between this masked person and Jacington. Since the former seems very condescending, im interested in the history between those two and how this strange relationship started, so good job with that.
- For overall writing style, i would say that your prose flows well and reads easy. I like it a lot, though i do wish that when you have a bunch of paragraphs of text you would break them up by inserting dialogue, or thought bubbles in italics. Honestly, thats generally what readers like most: action and dialogue, so ide suggest adding more of it into the story.
- So a comment i almost always give for an opening sentence or paragraph is to use action rather than description. The hook really has to be in those first few sentences, and frankly as i read through this all i see is description. Of course, there are always exceptions and im no expert by any means, so you dont have to take this to heart, but as a reader i prefer being instantly drawn into a story by a great opening line that screams "read me read me!" for the rest of the story. As long as youve got that in the first paragraph, the reader wont mind going through a little description before the dialogue kicks in.
- I liked how in the beginning, hes in a dream and then wakes up, and in the end hes going back to sleep so he can continue with the dream. Its very clever on your part because its simply a cool idea :) Other than that there isnt really too much to say about...maybe add in a quick thought on james' part about his returning to the dream? Perhaps hes wondering what may happen next?
Good luck with your story!
| ifeelmad chapter 8 . 9/18/2011
I'm not usually a great fan of "modern day average-special-boy" stories, but this one was different. It is the story of a boy named James Jacington, an artistic teenager who lives a friendless, relatively average life while awake - and enters an evil but strangely intriguing world when he sleeps.
The writing was simple, not overloaded with vocabulary terms. But it was clear and expressive of its modern-day tone. The plot was one that technically could be continued in a lengthier story from here, because it seemingly ended with nothing having happened differently than all of the squabbles and bad dreams that took place earlier in the story. But WHAT happened in the last bad dream - Jack's nearly becoming killed - was like a thought-provoking climax to all of the evil mysteries of earlier.
Jack is a level, touching character. He has a level headed and believable personality despite the supernatural world he was sucked into. As a teenager who has had many eerie dreams that saddened or frightened me, yet that I eagerly awaited the next night for,I can relate to him. Yet, in the outside world, he reads books,takes up for his sister, and is not too aloof to fight bullies.
However, I do feel that the ending, or conclusion, was a little too rushed. There was not building of the story before the ending to let the reader know that a meaningful ending was approaching. However, overall it is a good story, and I would give it a four out of five.
| Meddlesomepixie chapter 8 . 5/11/2011
glad to see you back!
| Meddlesomepixie chapter 7 . 2/9/2011
oh :O Time lol cool outfit but it makes me think...well anyway i sent the pics i drew of Mime to your email hope you enjoy them! hm could this face be Him?
| For the sake of irony chapter 6 . 2/9/2011
Author's note for a chapter- bad idea. Good way to get the word out, but disappointing to the readers and frowned upon by FP staff (Well, at least it's frowned upon at FFN. Not entirely sure about here.)
As for the last two chapters, very nice. We got a bit more characterization about James, he's a very well-rounded character. I'm a bit surprised he has photographic memory- an important tibit like that doesn't usually come up in filler chapters.
"I promise that there will be a lengthy return to the Dreamworld (and the Mime, who seems to be everybody's favorite character) in the next chapter."
The Mime? What'd ever give you the impression that he was my fa- er- I mean, everyone's, eh... Ah, I give up. James may be the main character, but you did an awesome job in creating the Mime. A complex character who is completely unpredicatable who I'd never have the ability to write. Good job!
| Meddlesomepixie chapter 6 . 2/8/2011
im good with that :D i think ill use all this extra time to start on my story of the Shadow Lands :D
| Meddlesomepixie chapter 5 . 2/8/2011
(attacks the cookies) YAY! :D i totally know how James feels :( i dont care what people call me but NOBODY hurts my little brother! :D good chappie! and yes it was me who is drawing the mime but i cant finish it until i get more led (im awful at drawing with a regular pencil) and my led is at school and ive been out of school cuz of snow . im going to lead a search party of epic proportions tomorrow for some though :) wow...Jack is somewhat of a...cant say that...i hate it when people cheat on others... now! (gets on ostrich) to the next chapter~
| Meddlesomepixie chapter 4 . 2/8/2011
hm ill hold on the diet coke :P lol this chapter was godo but mildly confusing near the end :D hm well James you have quite the disturbing brain...:D i love it!
btw you post a chapter almost every day! that makes me happy and inspires me xP i wish i had the time to do that too xO
| For the sake of irony chapter 3 . 2/7/2011
Then the Mime cheated.
I don't know why, but I laughed when I got to that line. The mime is definatly my favorite character, right up 'til the point where James started sinking. Then it went back to James.
A mistake I caught- ...and he *know* moved one of his own pawns a single space forward.
Is that supposed to be now?
Last thing I promise, a little hint that might make your writing a little smoother; use commas. It connects thoughts and makes things flow better. You're writing's great, but at places it's a little choppy. These lines, for instance-
The Mime was already sitting behind the white pieces. James hardly bothered to point out that it was rude to not give your guest the choice of side. It did not matter much, anyway. James preferred to play as black. That way you got an idea of what your opponent was doing.
Again it's a little choppy, and thus, a bit of a burden to get through. Adding commas would smooth it out, making it more appealing.
You don't need to take my advice. What you have here is a wonderful story, and I can't wait to get the next part. Keep up the good work!
| Meddlesomepixie chapter 3 . 2/7/2011
:D oh i love thsi story more more! heehee i actually started drawing mime but i ran out of lead :( well ill have to finish it tomorrow or something xP i cant wait for the next chapter! your doing great porterz and its good to have you back ;D later!
| Meddlesomepixie chapter 2 . 2/4/2011
:D interesting heehee i cant wait to see Mime again :)
| Meddlesomepixie chapter 1 . 2/3/2011
i want a cokie! :D hi your back! lol although im not the first person to review i do have a name for your little dream world ;D how about Underland? it sounds like Wonderland but with a slightly evil intent to it! i did a story on fanfiction called Alice In Underland actually but anyway this story is very interesting! your writing skills have gotten better! (sigh) well this review is becoming more like a book :P so i guess ill go now! bye ;}
| For the sake of irony chapter 2 . 2/3/2011
This is good. A lovely, lovely story. I love your characters and how they interact. James is very rational, I see, and the Mime seems amazing as well. Don't you just love people who talk in riddles? I do.
One thing I've noticed is that James' choice of words is rather sophisicated- I don't see any problem with it, but it's a bit out of character for a normal teenager. I'm not asking you to change it, just keep it in mind. "Don't change the subject" is a bit more natural than "Don't stray off-topic".
Please ignore spelling mistakes in this review, as I am too lazy to go check spell checker. This is a good start, and I can't wait to see where you go with this. Keep up the good work!
| Souffle Girl chapter 1 . 2/1/2011
First off...I HATED my Latin class. :P ...the fact that James is taking Latin reminded me how much I disliked that class, haha.
Anyway. Very interesting beginning! I look forward to reading the next part, and seeing where you take this. This was a nice introduction, it succintly introduced the plot and some action, and it got me excited to see what the Dreamworld is going to be like!
On another random note, James certainly is a calm child, for someone who has an entirely different world inside of his mind. O.o And as for titles of the Dreamworld...I don't know. You could work Chimera (dream/fantasy) in there somewhere. I love that word. :P