|Reviews for Real life, really|
| Guest chapter 1 . 2/13/2011
Very poinient, well done piece! I like the message as well, I agree with you 100%
| Sercus Kaynine chapter 1 . 2/10/2011
Love the straightforward, jarring perspective that really set me into the mind of the narrator.
Also, I applaud you for writing a piece to display your beliefs. It's always a gutsy thing to do, and I'm always afraid to do it. Nice way to get the effect across.
Good job and good luck in WCC!
| Nesasio chapter 1 . 2/8/2011
I like the story you tell here. The ending is great 'cause I could just imagine the effect those words would have on the old woman. I wasn't exactly sure what was happening in the beginning, though, particularly concerning the funeral. Is the funeral something related to the clinic? Or is it just to set the mood? It was effective for that, but it also left me wondering. Overall, though, I like this. It's interesting visually and I thought it evoked the feeling of the scene well.
Good luck in the WCC! :)
| RavenclawMoose chapter 1 . 2/6/2011
This was an interesting poem, but I'm a little confused about what happened. Was the funeral for a girl who died in childbirth?
The emotions portrayed by the narrator were stated in a lovely, vivid manner that made it easy to feel what she must be feeling, but without a clear context for those feelings, they lost some of their potency.
Being pro-choice myself, I do appreciate pro-choice stories, but again, without clear context of what happened, it lessens the impact of your message.
Good luck in the WCC!
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 2/5/2011
From the Review Game's Review Marathon (link in my profile)
I liked this poem, I think it had a cool message and you worked with the message in a fun way by telling it like a story. I think you successfully painted a good picture of the protester, and I like how you capitalized the "YOUR", it made it leap more, just like I'm sure the protester's sign would emphasis. Which-by the way, I liked the emphasis at the end on the freedom of choice, that tied in with the prompt in a way that I actually didn't think about until it summed it up here-it shows a stance on something important and the realism of this was refreshing.
Best of luck in WCC!
| C. Tattiana H-H chapter 1 . 2/4/2011
I really enjoyed your punctuation and formatting of the stanzas because it made for interesting pauses that emphasized certain words-I wasn't expecting some sentences to be broken up, and was surprised when, by the end, I fell into it and enjoyed it overall.
I also liked the final three stanzas because for me, it's a little unclear as to whether or not she actually rolled down the window and yelled at the old woman. I'm not sure if it was intended as such, perhaps I'm just being lame right now, but to me, it didn't feel definite.
Overall, I enjoyed this poem. I enjoyed how you narrated this event. You painted the scene well and ended with a powerful image and opinion.
| simpleplan13 chapter 1 . 2/4/2011
Review Marathon this weekend! (link in my profile)
"a strange/silent/sickening overcastted glow,"... I don't think overcastted is a word. I think overcast is the past tense of overcast.
"and we pause at the fifteenth of fifteen more red lights"... That part confused me. Was the fifteen more something someone said earlier and this was the last light? Or was it the fifteenth light and there are 15 more for 30 in total?
I loved the ending. I got an image in my mind of how the old woman's face would look when you said that.
I was confused kinda about the whole funeral thing since you never mentioned it again or who it was. But I did like first line of the second stanza.
| clockwork kiss chapter 1 . 2/3/2011
i adore the enjambment of "loves YOU and YOUR baby, within / seconds", showing the unborn aspect. i also love the use of the verb rocked, because it brings to mind more baby/child imagery. I think the third line is kind of cliche with all the backslashes. it would be stronger if you picked one or two adjectives, and also just went with "overcast". i'm also not sure why you went with couplets. it doesn't necessarily bother me, i'm just not sure it adds to the poem either. i might go into more details of the funeral if i were you, because it is slightly ironic as it is, but i think you could work it even more. overall, a very good write, but i think you could incorporate a little more concrete detail and maybe a tiny bit of a backstory as to where they're coming from. thanks for sharing, good luck in the WCC!
| thewhimsicalbard chapter 1 . 2/1/2011
Tomorrow's headline: "FP Goes Political - Pro-Life Jihad Responds with Declaration of War". Dear me...
A few notes about this poem: first, it wasn't at all obvious that the speaker was driving the car. You might consider revising it a little bit to see if you can make that happen.
I don't know if it was intentional or not, but I did notice the occasional allusion to death and birth in the first few stanzas. If you did it on purpose, great. If not, well... you got lucky; I don't believe that poets get lucky, though, except with their publishers.
Your imagery was a little bit weak for one of your poems, I think. For something the speaker seems to feel so strongly about, it doesn't come across very convincingly. I've read a pro-life poem on here that was stronger in how it was written.
Specifically, there's nothing that really sets your character apart or makes her special. In fact, it might not even be a girl. I only assume it's a girl. It could just as well be a boy who feels strongly about pro choice. It could have been his own sister's funeral, for all we know, and she may have died from birth complications because she didn't want an abortion, so now he's bitter. It fits, in a way. That's probably not good.
Seeing a lot of the other stuff you've written, I'm really not feeling obligated to sugarcoat. You can do a whole lot better than this, and you know it. I was honestly hoping to see a really good piece from you this month, with so much freedom in that prompt. Oh well.