Reviews for Desire
Fragile Things chapter 1 . 7/15/2011
loved the ending. nice work, thought you conveyed desire really well. i love how its something of an attack.
thewhimsicalbard chapter 1 . 2/22/2011
First of all, I'm sorry it took so long for me to get this review back to you. I plead midterms.

As for your poem:

This was not fun to read at all. Look at the live preview: FP's formatting got rid of all of your stanza breaks (I'm going to assume you had some to begin with).

Another point: you ended EVERY single line with a comma, with the exception of the last one. That's the equivalent of a 145 word sentence. It's hard for anyone to read - see, punctuation, line breaks, and stanza breaks are about 80% of the rhythm of any given poem. The fact that you have no punctuational variance here means that you want your readers to go through every word at the same speed.

I just did, and let me tell you, it sounds pretty ugly. I can't tell where thoughts stop and start. This was just confusing, and there really aren't any images that strike me as incredibly fresh or powerful to balance it out. I see cliche image after cliche image: "moves like a cat", "whispers promises into my ear", and "lifted weight" have the biggest cringe-factor.

Hopefully this helps you to improve!

-twb
whisper.me.sweet chapter 1 . 2/22/2011
wow.. this is amazing!
Domina chapter 1 . 2/2/2011
In response Angel Investor's question:

The woman is intentionally ambiguous but to me she symbolizes one's unwanted desires, such as lusting after someone you feel you shouldn't be, or drugs, or self harm, etc. Whatever plagues you.

The free falling metaphor is meant to symbolize the frightening, yet freeing experience of giving in to said desires
Angel Investor chapter 1 . 2/2/2011
This poem looked so lonely without any reviews, so I decided to check it out. I think this is great. Never been good at analyzing abstract poetry, though, so I don't really know what exactly the woman in this poem symbolizes, or what happens when the narrator "enters into a free fall".

At any rate this was very good. Your flow, grammar and use of imagery are on the level of a better-than-average author (at least here in FP).