|Reviews for Domus Solis|
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 3 . 8/11/2011
The chapter, as a whole, felt too jumpy. I don't know if you used scene breaks that disappeared because of FP, but you may not want to find a way to have some sort of break between the different sets of characters. I did notice that you tend to use commas at the end of all your dialogue; unless there's a speech tag after (she said, he laughed, she sighed etc.) then it should be a full stop. ["Well then my memory will lingered forever within these walls," he sounded so certain, but her eyes were no solemn as she shook her head.] Reads a bit awkwardly, for me. Maybe ("Well then, my memory will linger forever within these walls." He sounded so certain, but her eyes were solemn as she shook her head.) Numbers such as 14 and 18 should be written as fourteen and eighteen. [milky moon was a full beacon in the sky and it shone on her perfectly, her hair was kissed perfectly by the silver light, and figure stood out against the dark sands beneath; she was almost heavenly. Almost. This caught the attention of the stone gladiator but not enough to arouse his curiosity in her, but his interest yes.] Again, this just reads a bit awkwardly to me, and you repeat ‘perfect’, too. Maybe just have a look over the sentence and see what you can change? Other than that, it is a good chapter and not sure if I’ve said it before, but I quite like the style of this; it fits in with the sort of thing you’re dealing with. Overall, good stuff, and I look forward to seeing the next chapter and seeing where you take these characters.
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 2 . 7/30/2011
I'd suggest that, because of the length of this chapter, you maybe make the first chapter slightly shorter? Maybe merge some of it with this chapter or something? It's just that, well, chapters should be roughly the same length, and the first chapter is a lot longer than this one. Anyway, the chapter itself; I still feel that we don't know the characters that well. At the moment, I feel little connection to Aurelia, and I don't know much about her or her personality. I also feel that she settles very easily into friend-rather-than-slave. I'd have thought that there would be some more hesitation on her part, especially if she hasn't been treated as more than a slave previously, or maybe a bit of uncomfortableness on her part? Other than that, I like the way Leta treats her; it's quite nice, and it's a sharp contrast with her mother. which works quite well. I felt that sometimes it was a bit jumpy; maybe put scene breaks in at some points? Especially when the scene changes. other than that, the only things I noticed that could be pointed out were things I mentioned previously. I'm still enjoying this and, as always, the things I've mentioned above are just things to consider. Keep it up.
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 1 . 7/26/2011
Great first chapter - you build the scene really well, some nice description throughout, and great job at drawing the reader into the story. There were a few things I noticed, such as [makers like you ruining the place," He raised] Should be a full stop at the end of the speech, there. [The other men stood outside, Caius was trying] I'd suggest either making that two seperate sentences or taking out the 'was'. ["Indeed he is, Faustus," Basilus shook his head.] again, a full stop rather than comma. It's only before a speech tag that you need a comma. [but if what Basilus says about her is true] You change tense a couple of times; said instead of says, perhaps. There's a few more but you get the idea :) Anyway, really interesting start and I'll try to read the next chapter soon.
| amour-bang-amour chapter 1 . 3/20/2011
This is a really great first chapter! I hope you update soon (:
| dblack50 chapter 1 . 2/3/2011
I really enjoyed this first chapter. I'm curious to see where the story goes from here. It seems you've set up several possibilities and I'm eager to see how it all plays out. You also have a nice start at building your characters. They are real enough to be interesting without giving too much away right away. Looking forward to more chapters...hopefully soon. :-)