|Reviews for Flozell's Bad Day|
| Frap chapter 1 . 2/17/2011
Well first off I hope that you didn't lose money on a bet that the Steeler's would win. The first quarter should've told you to cancel your bet. But any way, this sound like you just, I don't know wrote out something and just posted it up.
Were you going anywhere with this? It sounds like you could have a couple of avenues to explore but let's look at it a bit closer. Off the bat you are changing from past to present tense a couple of times and the story reads as if you want to tell it and not show it. If you need me to elaborate I will.
In the first paragraph you say he watched the Black Swan (Which I want to see because everyone is raving. All I see is Padmae but I degress)but you went from his loss to the grocery store to him watching the movie and then back to the line. You seem to have rushed through or something.
If you would go in more detail about his loss that would be great or set up the reader to get him from the loss to Fozell having a fit and tell us that he went to the movie and while there it ticked him off. After you give that to us with some details like, what he thought before and after the movie, how he acted in the movie, etc. Then put him in a car or on a bus, heck even a bike to get to the grocery store and then have the person cut him in the line.
when he gets ticked off, I wasn't sure if he was mad at the movie or the person, till I got down further. When the incident happens you may want to also give the person more depth. Tell us what they looked like, heck give 'em a Green Bay jersey and everyone in the store he's having issue with should have soemthing on to trigger and maintain Fozell's anger.
Okay. Other than those things it sounds like the guy is really going to have an issue and I wouldn't mind seeing what the poor chap does next. If you want me to go into even more depth, or pick this apart then go to the forum and blitz and you can ask a couple of questions there if you need more feedback. The forum is built for that sort of thing.
Over all it was a good start to something that sounds like it's going to be interesting. Thanks for putting in a request.
IF you can help drum up biz for this place then post the link and send it to a couple of folks.
| Eilwynn chapter 1 . 2/17/2011
I think this idea has great potential, but I also think you need to run with it. Describe each scene making up his bad day in detail, and put in more internal and external dialogue. In short, flesh it out, make it longer, put in more stuff. Also, watch out for switching between past and present tense.