|Reviews for Sadhbh Ní Bhruinneallaigh|
| Nesasio chapter 1 . 2/11/2011
Dublin-born. Never gone to Trinity, or any school for that liking. Learndd from me own grandfather
-Learned, of course. Also, I'm not sure on 'for that liking'. It looks like you were torn between 'for that matter' and 'of the like/of the sort'.
Now for the falsity; 'performers' is a fallacy...
-I suppose this could go either way, but it seems like 'performer' would fit better, given they've both been using the singular form here.
The fiddler took hesitated before taking her hand.
It's the lifelongsubjugation to an unchosen epithet that I cannot stand.
-Break up lifelongsubjugation
Very rousingly, the fiddler struck his note and acknowledged her without utterance, and began in a beautiful tenor that rousing chorus...
-Should probably change one of the 'rousing's
Only Courefeyrac was noticeably physically unmoved
Here Marius paused to let Courefeyrac offer any details
Scene: I didn't have much sense of the setting or actions here. Despite your occasional paragraphs of description, the story still read like the transcript of a dialogue. That works okay for the purpose of the story, but I still wished the descriptions weren't so sparse. I couldn't quite picture this so it felt like I was overhearing something from another room...a little disorienting and uncomfortable.
Techniques: I thought it was interesting the way you set the fiddler's dialogue tags onto a line of their own. It changed the flow a bit and also gave the conversation a unique, somewhat formal tone. I did not, however, understand the use of the Rendering section. It felt like it was trying to attach meanings to the story that weren't really there. I mean, some of the statements were plausible, but the stuff about the boys was hard to follow and didn't feel necessary.
Dialogue: Jocelyn talks a lot. Okay, I can accept that. And she does it really well. So I got a sense of her from that. But her dialogue is incredibly dense. I understand she's supposed to be proudly declaring her opinion and good for her, but it never felt natural. There wasn't one sentence I really thought 'Yeah, I could imagine someone saying that.' The fiddler's dialogue is spot on, but hers is too formal, like she's making a grand rehearsed speech.
Pace: It's hard to really judge this since there is so much more dialogue than actual action, but there is a noticeable difference in pace between the Jocelyn/Fiddler section and the scene with the two boys. The first part takes up a good chunk of the story and seems to be playing out more or less in real time. Then they get to the two boys and suddenly he's playing music, they chat a little, he plays music, and it seems like a fair amount of time passes. It isn't too distracting, but it did catch my attention.
| pokinbigfire chapter 1 . 2/8/2011
What a pleasure it is to be able to return a review .
Where to start with this one!
It is punctuated by beautiful lines of prose. Clear as music. As the story develops, like a musical canon they become more than descriptive, spindling up meaning and working together different parts of the the song from which you borrow your title.
Now if I may extract some quotes.
“It wore a crown of newly fallen snow that drifted from the overhanging canopy of maples and elms that had discarded their ruddy leaves for icicles and prickly bluish-white branches.”
"two polished emeralds frayed in gold filigree"
"Jocelyn swallowed her air like the blood of Christ"
But here, more meanings combined- same time same instant. ( CC-Google Mozart’s take on this: The fun of doing it .)
"It was quite appropriate for them to be stunned by this sound they had never before been acquainted with in such intimacy, for they were of the ages when the world is brightest and most filled with wonder, and their large eyes were testament to this fact. Eyes in children were meant to store the splendors of the universe, and these eyes were no exception." -
Here we’ve shifted from the a visual to the multiple and we have natural meaning and culture and history harmonizing into few lines.
Excellent and and good as anything out there. - Although I think Ted Hughes does you on the eyes mate, to be honest -: “ A handful of diamond on a black velvet roll “.Mind you, he wasn’t describing an Irishwoman- Now me being married to one, may I recommend you find some reference to the finest Connemara Marble flecked with ironstone yellow. Or what about the poor man’s Kerry Diamond ?
Emeralds, yerh OK but been done before,loads .Just a gripe because the rest is original and v. good.
I actually thought the story would be about a fiddler trying to get Joceyln to elope with him . He’s a poor street musician with a remarkable inheritance . As it becomes clearer, she’s been infected by Englishness and prattles and analyzes and “prejudices”, she’s becoming evermore representational of the intellectualization of the recently evolved Irish academic psyche .
His naturalistic music - the guy's only got to see the shadow of cloud moving in the grass on the hillsides or the clear water sand-shadow of "naomhóg keels and the music springs, lapping out of him with the ease of spoken words
So being powerful attraction of opposites he and Joceyln are a good match.
Now the kids - representational again - wary eyed proto- revolutionaries , I’m not sure how contemporary they are, but they are interesting ,as they become drawn with instinctive wonder inherited from generations of Irish people -” filtering eyes” ( yes!)
The Fiddler’s struck down by the profundity of his own playing and music-flow , or perhaps by infatuation for Jocelyn ,more likely, both in a multiple 'epiphanated' direct hit. At this point the reader is in an unfamiliar place because at once we are in the representational and actual - are these his two children to-be , non- temporal potentialities conveyed in the actual , transformed by his imagination under these circumstances , or are they real kids through whom he sees the potential of his own children spawned from a union with Jocelyn?
As the Irish say “I’m not sure.” - Doesn’t matter in the intellectual architecture you have intended, though does it?
Now my criticism : As you know I’m writing a kinda fictional but real world partly survival handbook for the over 150’, so you have hint of where I'm coming from. All I’d say is , creating a unique intellectual space and having all this going on is not the kind of thing everyone can relate to because:
A) They won't have the background to pull the data out from , even if the did have the data ,their recall won’t be fast enough to work in overlaid instantaneous multiples- nice try with the prose as a formula for this process but they won’t be able to do it because they can’t abstract the formula ( or anything else) hence the epiphany that illuminates the intellectual space you have created so diligently wont hit them .
B) They haven’t got the hardware to perform the task with . Period.- Frustrating, but don’t let it bug you .
Otherwise Superb as a flat out intellectual blast down the N70 , hence less than 1% of 1% will get it.
But not your problem .
Question raised : can theintellectual space be used to write a another style of story, not there's anything wrong with what you've written, far from it, but I'm fascinated to see how versatile it is.
May the road rise to meet you.
| Rosemarysgraden001 chapter 1 . 2/7/2011
So here is my makeup review!Ok I don't know how much of a use I will be, but I will do my best.
Opening (did it make you want to read onwards? Did it lack a hook? How so?)It was really intriguing, I like that it isn'ta typical opening. It really set the mood for the rest of the chapter.
- Ending (did it make you want to read onwards? Did you feel closure? Unfinished? How so?)I like the ending because it left you with a question. I also liked how it talked about the character of Jocelyn.
- Scene (what stood out to you in a particular scene? Was it good or bad? How so?)I liked the first scene and the discussion of the fiddle player.I liked when Jocelyn was introduced as well, it was clever.
- Dialogue (how did it flow? Awkward? Didn't fit the age group that were speaking? Forced? How so?)The dialogue was really interesting,and I like the ethnic sound of seemed to fit the age group and location too.