|Reviews for The Wild One|
| YFIQ chapter 1 . 1/17/2012
I'd be a bit freaked out if I ever run into a nutcase at night. Though if angry enough, I would punch her in the face.
Depends on the situation.
It's pretty freaky, good job.
| Katerzzz chapter 5 . 7/9/2011
Review Payback 2/3!
It's nice to see how close Jefferson and Mercy are, though I wonder if Jefferson has any underlying motives...going to be interesting...
And is Mercy engaged or something?
Please update soon!
| DutchAver chapter 5 . 7/6/2011
It's good to see how close Jefferson and Mercy are and how Jefferson's willing to help Mercy, though I do wonder if he really isn't going to use Mercy's talent for his own good, to make everyone think he made the paintings. We'll find out, I guess. Out of curiosity, by the way, who is the man Mercy has promised herself to?
I've found a few spelling mistakes here:
'Her father was reminded of his dead wife. Her eyes had never given her emotions away. Mercy was exactly the same way.
. Her father recalled his late wife; her eyes never gave her emotions away. Mercy was exactly the same way.' I don't think this needs pointing out.
'thought about her beloved story telling' storytelling's one word, I believe - not sure, though!
'He had a theory that sometime Mercy liked to make things difficult for' I hate people who don't finish their sen
I'm glad I'm finally up-to-date on this story :) Do continue writing it, you're going on alert! Looking forward to the next chapter!
| DutchAver chapter 4 . 7/5/2011
Last chapter, I said you could do a little more with descriptions and emotions - here, you've made up for it, but I don't think that was the problem I was meaning. I think I've pinned it down now, though: your sentences are a little too short sometimes, which reads annoyingly. Try fixing them. Many short sentences after each other are annoying. It reads annoying too. Try making your sentences longer: for example, try using a conjunction to merge two sentences, because that reads much more easily. Don't overdo it, though, that's annoying too!
A good example of too short sentences after each other is this: 'She was beautiful in an exotic way. She had grey eyes that cut into your soul. She had a name they called her Britannia. Britannia had raven hair and olive colored skin. She was a goddess to some people.'
If you'd rewrite this to 'she was beautiful (...) way: she had grey eyes (...) into your soul. She had a name: they called her Britannia and she had raven (...) colored skin. She was a goddess...' I think it'd read much more nicely.
Now I've been enough of a spellchecker, let's move on to the plot! Mercy warms up a little too quickly to Joseph, I feel, and perhaps Joseph asks Mercy a little too soon.
Other than that, your plot is moving on nicely and I like how you foreshadow Joseph's real interest at the end, because it's obvious he's not interested in her because of her great looks. The ending was great too, it works just fine to me and makes me want to read on. This might not have been one of your best chapters, but it's a good chapter anyhow. Do continue writing, I'll see if I can do the last posted chapter tomorrow!
'Such a harsh woman, you are." Joseph noted.' I'm missing quotation marks at the beginning.
'It had to be pretty, so did the sooth sayer' soothsayer is one word, and it might be better to change the second part of the sentence into 'and the soothsayer seemed to be like that too'.
Keep it up!
| DutchAver chapter 3 . 7/4/2011
In this chapter, I think you could've described a little more. This chapter relies very heavily on dialogue and rarely, if ever, do I see some description. It works, sometimes, but it can be boring as well. Try adding in a bit more emotion, or description, to make the story itself better to read.
It's a shame two kids have to be the victims of a competition between two fathers. Can't they leave their competition as it is and not have their children become victims to it?
A few spelling mistakes:
'Jefferson played with hands and nervously stood outside Mercy's bedroom door.' I think this should be with HER hands
'I don't trust him Jefferson' A comma between him and Jefferson would look nice
'Jefferson walked out of his sister room ' sister's room
Hope this review was helpful!
| Frap chapter 4 . 6/22/2011
That Mercy keeps her beau on his toes. I love your pace and I also like the easy feel of them trying to get along. Even though there's tension you can tell they are trying to work things out as friends, least Joseph is.
The flashback was a great peek into what Mercy's mother was like and I hope the sooth sayer is like an ancestor or something. That'd be soo cool. Also, i love the banter at the end.
It shows her vivaciousness and his cool demeanor, yet stern ways.
Great way to put hot and cold together and get an awesome little drama going.
I can't wait to see her at the ball and what will happen next.
| Frap chapter 3 . 6/22/2011
I need to pay you back and I needed to get back to this story. I like the tension between Jefferson and Mercy like I said and I think that as a brother sister team their feelings are real.
Now I do wonder about the marriage that is to come between her and Joseph. I think there could be more action between the dialogue but overall this is a good read and I'm going on to the next.
| DutchAver chapter 2 . 6/15/2011
This chapter was good and I liked the way you introduced the bond between Joseph and Mercy. I suppose we'll find out later what the connection is between this chapter and the previous one?
Writing historical fiction is always difficult - you need to do a lot of research - but so far, you're doing quite well. I'm not very knowledgeable of England in Victorian times, but it feels very realistic. I'm certainly going to try to keep reviewing :)
I've found a few mistakes in periods, quotation marks and stuff - or rather, lack thereof. Among these are a few of them, and something I needed to point out:
'waiting for someone to answer A maid ' I think you should put a period between 'answer' and 'A'.
'and could draw anyone in' Again, a period after 'in' would be nice.
'Your daughter is a lovely young woman' You should start with quotation marks here.
'and that it up to me to decide ' and that it'S up to me...
' I shall dread day ' I shall dread THE day
'Mercy blocked out the next hour of conversating with Joseph, she didn't want to remember it. She didn't want to remember the man who threatened to marry her.' Awesome ending.
Keep it up, I'll try to review the next chapter tomorrow or Friday at its latest :)
| BolognaGuy chapter 1 . 6/10/2011
This is a truly haunting tale. I like your use of dialogue-it demonstrates the man's immense discomfort with the street-ravaged woman. I liked the man's self-reflection: "The whole experience was beginning to get too strange for his tastes. The encounter reminded him of when he was younger and his mother would tell him scary tales."
I think you overused the title, "The Street Ravaged Woman." Though it is a good idea to tell the reader who is speaking, I found it to be cumbersome after a while. You can go ahead and shift from one speaker's words to the next speaker's words without always concerning yourself with saying who the speaker is. The two characters have significantly different personalities and ways of speaking, so the reader should able to tell when each of them is speaking. Also, I thought it was unnecessary to include more than the first stanza of Poe's song.
I really like the cliffhanger ending of your story. It creates a feeling of anxious anticipation within the reader. I think if you added more description as opposed to relying primarily upon dialogue, the story could have had more depth. However, I still think this is an interesting read. Great job! :)
| DutchAver chapter 1 . 6/8/2011
I don't think you should've put the entire poem in this chapter, since I don't feel it contributes to the story greatly - I think the first lines would've done just fine.
Other than that, great introduction and a very good chapter, I'm impressed! I'll see if I can try following this story, the set-up is most certainly interesting and the Street Ravaged Woman gives me the creeps. Keep it up!
| drazer434 chapter 3 . 6/8/2011
I like the accurate representation of how life would be in the past, but I don't feel that the character of Mercy is really realistic. She doesn't have enough depth in my opinion. All I can gather from her is that she likes to paint and doesn't like Jefferson, yet there is little expansion on the first and no reason for the second. I think her character needs to fleshed about it, perhaps with the narration being less omniscient and more coloured by her perspective, because this is the third chapter and I still don't know anything about her.
You use too many synonyms of said: "stated", "responded", "replied", "responded", "stated", "blurted out", "asked", "inquired", "replied." I was three quarters of the way down the page before the first said comes up. You should use said most of the time. It is the standard dialogue tag that almost goes unnoticed.
I've noticed that your sentences are very similar, and tell instead of show. I'll use an example:
[Mercy laid on her bed and sighed as the edge of her dress hit the floor. She played with the spread on her bed and hummed to herself. Jefferson played with hands and nervously stood outside Mercy's bedroom door.]
It is very choppy, with short sentences, little exposition and not hugely easy to read. There is little description in there. What colour is the bed? What does it like? What is it made of? Those sort of things can very easily be added in. Furthermore, the third sentence is completely unrelated to the previous two. The switch from the point of view of Mercy to Jefferson is rather disorientating.
Hope this helped.
| Katerzzz chapter 4 . 6/6/2011
Review Payback 3/3!
That was one powerful ending...
I like flashbacks, they were incredibly descriptive and brilliant, quite simply :)
Mercy's background really gives a greater depth to her character.
Brilliant conversation between her and Joseph!
All reviews repaid!
| Katerzzz chapter 3 . 6/6/2011
Review Payback 2/3!
I see improvements here...you are developing as a writer that's quite clear to see :)
This really really reminds me of Jack's London..my old story...which I hope to revive one day...but I am really enjoying this :)
Off to the next chapter :)
| Katerzzz chapter 2 . 6/6/2011
Review Payback 1/3!
One grammar problem I might point out is that it says Chapter Two when it should say Chapter One...but anyway...
It was a nice follow on from the prologue in my opinion, and a nice length.
Mercy is very interesting, and shes very quiet...you've always gotta watch the quiet ones :P
Brilliant attitude to life :)
| Spiral Architect chapter 5 . 6/5/2011
Well, I got around to this and I must say I'm not disappointed. The whole arranged-marriage-get-used-to-it genre isn't something I really ever like, but the painting is a nice touch for the story. SO Mercy's an artist? I hope she doesn't end up like Van Gogh, that would be horrible .
Now for constructive things:
"It always made her nervous when strange men gave her gifts."
That line made me laugh. Was it supposed to? If not, then great job with the accidental humor.
Also, you don't need a tag at the end of every dialog sentence.
"This is an example," Michael said.
"This is a reply," replied Alyssa.
Now, we know that there's only going to be two people in the conversation, going back and forth. So unless there's some kind of strong emotion, you don't need another tag.
"C!" Michael screamed and ran out of the room.
"D?" Alyssa questioned the air, wondering how Spiral Architect could come up with such a strange example.
Was that too confusing? If it was, sorry, it was a bit of a strange example as Alyssa put it so well.
Bottom line: Tags aren't needed everywhere, and the story is nice.