|Reviews for Never Made a Man Wise|
| Kay Iscah chapter 1 . 1/19/2013
The Lady Luck repetitions kind of bored me (and I'm not a fan of movie references), so I decided to play with pulling them out.
"She makes a home out of me;
I need a home out of her,
Cuz there's no damn denying
How cold it is on the street -
No keys, no car, nothing
Except for that little fold of paper
And not being able to help but think
Something's gotta give.
"Dregs of antifreeze are in my drink
And Lord help me I think
My ribs have become a church hall
Waiting for a god of [thrall].
A prayer to a woman who spends her time
In the mouths and beds of a million other men.
She leaves me sipping rainwater on the curb,
Sprawled swaddled in tissue-thin polyester,
Groveling to strangers on torn-knee jeans,
My pride thrown away like some newspaper
Whistling down an alley.
[Firey] M'selle Fortuna, oh, she
Only ever dropped her ashes [at me];
I sleep on concrete corners and beg on cardboard creases
World knows I could chat up Chance
To an art for all the good that it'd do.
I guess that's all it'll ever come to:
A life on the pavement, watching and waiting"
I mostly used you words, but swapped out a few suggestions in brackets.
I like this better, cause it kicks you off on a really strong line, rather than a reference to Lady Luck... Luck as a Lady has been beaten into cliche, so I think you have to work hard to keep it fresh. [M'selle Fortuna] is a fresh way to clue the reader in without brow beating the point.
You have some fantastic lines and imagery in this poem. Weeding out the weaker ones and dialogue bits helps them shine. IMO
I picked "thrall" for the bondage imagery, but I think there are some other rhymes with "hall" words that might work too.
| Sercus Kaynine chapter 1 . 2/10/2011
Love how you personified Luck and Fortune and Chance and had the narrator talk to them. Makes it seem like a crazy world, yeah?
Also, I like this unique perspective from a man down on his luck. It gave the story a character of its own, and I like how you made the poem a ramble like he was really relaying his story to someone.
Good job and good luck in WCC!
| Adrenalin chapter 1 . 2/8/2011
I know other people already told you that but the poem is really stuffy and hard to read. Breaking in up in at least four stanzas would help a lot with the flow, I think.
Other than that, I really liked it, especially the very-first sentence. Some of the imagery you used to describe such mundane feelings as hunger or thirst or being cold are great: "Dregs of antifreeze are in my drink", "My ribs have become a church hall
Waiting for the God of Food" are amongst my favorite.
I also liked how you described Lady Luck and M'selle Fortuna. Interesting "characters".
Good luck in the WCC!
| RedactedNoLongerWriting chapter 1 . 2/8/2011
Okay, content-wise I love this. It's got some really cool imagery (I love the Golightly cigarette bit and the cinnamon smoke) and in some parts reads almost like a song. It flowed well. Visually, though, it seems really crowded. There are places it could have been broken into stanzas and still worked well. The last two lines especially, I think they'd be cool set apart for emphasis.
Good luck in the WCC! :)
| wordzRmagik-13 chapter 1 . 2/6/2011
Wow, I really loved how you used lots of metaphors, which created a powerful sense. I didn't really like how it was just one big long stanza; it would have been more powerful broken up.
| RavenclawMoose chapter 1 . 2/6/2011
I really enjoyed the imagery in this poem and the personification of Lady Luck. The imagery was clear and easy to visualize as I read the poem, helping me to feel as though I was actually watching the narrator walk along the cold streets and wish for a better life. I especially liked the line, "I sleep on concrete corners and beg on cardboard creases."
The only thing I did not like about this was that it was all one chunk. I think the impact would have been stronger if you had divided this up into stanzas. It would have given it more a feel of smaller, more manageable and thus more intense images, instead of one long and somewhat rambling scene.
Good luck in the WCC!