|Reviews for Good Morning, London|
| Exotic chapter 1 . 5/7/2011
I like that Gregory's personality was able to shine through the drama of the situation, and enjoyed the realistic portrayal of his panic.
I thought a few of the sentences read a litte funny, like "But he couldn't have predicted this, no one would've done." I don't know if 'done' is the right word.
But I loved the cliff hanger. I'm a sucker for cliff hangers. Some people hate them, but I find they add so much interest and intrigue to a story, so kudos on that!
| What Happens Now chapter 1 . 3/3/2011
"No, somebody or something had a very different ideas for him."
I hope you dont mind but this reminds me of when i had just changed and then tripped over my own underwear SO CLOSE! But yes this should be idea instead of ideas, or some instead of a.
I wasn't sure why Gregory was there to begin with, that would have been nice to know, and it seems some sort of half beast thing is in his office. ANd in the summary I could have sworn there was someone named Alex. Where is he? Better yet, why not just tell me this where is this building, I would have prefered if it was a little bit more descriptive. Although i like the amount of mystery I think you could have answered a few more questions in this chapter
| Whirlymerle chapter 1 . 2/24/2011
Homigosh! I’m in love with your writing! I can totally picture Gregory and you convey his emotions very well. I especially enjoyed the repetition with the “cursing”.
[Gregory fired upwards, uncontrollably spinning and screaming for maybe a second before he crashed into the ceiling with a sickening crack.] I’m a little confused here. How did firing the gun cause Gregory to end up crashing into the ceiling?
What a chilling beginning! Well done!
| D. W. Tyn chapter 1 . 2/21/2011
I like how it starts. I like Urban Fantasy stories, and this one I really like. Honestly, you had me at 'happy-go-lucky immortal.' The only left to say in this review is: More, please.
| Compton chapter 1 . 2/20/2011
I did enjoy the fact that you are very descriptive. It really is good to have descriptive stories, it is good.
I also enjoyed the fact there is no dialogue, and it still speaks, if that makes sense. As in it speaks for itself.
| seredemia chapter 1 . 2/19/2011
Nice start so far! Your characters were nicely introduced and their personalities and dialogue were easy to follow!
My only advice is add more descriptions. You tend to have a lot of dialogue, so keep the balance by popping in a few description about their surroundings, etc.
The humour is good, by the way! It really made reading this fun :)
| thefaultinourpatronus chapter 1 . 2/19/2011
"...except totally tall, dark and handsome. So actually that's nothing like me. I had dirty blonde hair, was moderately pale and average sized..." Generally if you're using a sentence like this for descriptions, the previous wording should match the next. Like, "except totally tall, dark, and handsome. So actually that's nothing like me. I was average sized, moderately pale, and had dirty blonde hair." Get what I'm saying? Just so that it sounds symmetric.
Onto characters. Generally, I like Alex's sense of humor. Although on the whole, the way he talks sounds much like that of a girl's! Till you said the brother part ;) Anyhow, I still enjoy the parts where Alex's shows his character. Overall, pretty solid start! Good luck for the rest of the story (:
| StoryMonster chapter 1 . 2/17/2011
The characterization of both you characters was good and sturdy, which I liked in your story.
I did find a couple of grammatical errors - something that needs to be worked on. And I also didn't really like the beginning of you story - it was kind of cliche, waking up, and everything - then again, I shouldn't be talking, since my story is the most cliched thing in the world.
The cliffhanger at the end was good! Very descriptive and expressive.
Alex is funny. xD
Overall, great job!
| wisedec4u chapter 1 . 2/16/2011
I liked the Alex's snarky sense of humor. It gave me a good sense of his character. It also added a light comedic feel to your story. I also like the cliff hanger at the end when he blacked out. Great way to add intrigue and make the reader want to turn to the next page to see what happens. My only criticism is that I found several typos in your story which I'm sure others will also point out, but that can be easily fixed by proofreading. Another thing that stood out was some of your descriptions were a bit vague or generic, such as Ben looks just like me, except he's tall, dark and handsome. So does that mean that Alex is short, pale, and ugly? I think you can give us a little more to go on than that. Overall it was a good read and I wish you luck.
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 2/16/2011
Oh, and ben was there.
-Edit: names should be capitalized
"...wasn't the best idea"
-Edit: needs period after "idea"
"That place is shithole." he said...
-Edit: needs comma instead of period after "shithole"
-Edit: insert "a" after "is"
Hey! You don't have a job...
-Edit: needs to start with quotation
I found the grammar mistakes distracting during my reading. I only pointed out a few above, but this chapter was pretty badly edited and had a lot more. You need to watch your dialogue and speaker tags and learn how to format them correctly-sometimes words weren't even capitalized when they should be, like at the beginning of a sentence or beginning of dialogue. I didn't like that it distracted me from the reading because I found myself noticing errors rather than enjoying the characters and set up plot.
I did like that you seem to have a great grip of character, especially for Tyme and I liked the bit about the magic, it picked up in the end and it was enjoyable because I thought it was creative and it built up tension in a positive way that made for a solid ending. I think you have a good start, I'd just recommend cleaning this opening chapter up, since it's the first thing people see and read in this story, and if it isn't clean and doesn't have good editing, the chance of people continuing decreases. Other than that you have a strong narrative voice in Tyme and I believe that will work well for the rest of the story.