Reviews for Us Against The World
dragonflydreamer chapter 18 . 6/9/2012
'Twas my pleasure :) And I totally intend to read all of Her Dork in Tinfoil Armor eventually one of these days-ish.

[Other than when a man tells you...etc.] Hah. Nice little jab of irony there.

This chapter had a lot of changes in pace, and I loved that! While I hadn't *quite* gotten bored of where the plotline was going, I was definitely feeling the need for a change soon. The sudden reversal in Cy's behavior, for one, seems to be starting a new series of conflicts. I also love the introduction of Saffy. It'll bring out a different side of Eva to have a female friend her own age, plus it should be interesting to see how everything unfolds with a girl who knows nothing about the action so far.

Also, nice bit in the middle about her thinking about her child. My mind this whole time has been going "please let them raise it together pleasepleaseplease," so this appears to be heading in the right direction ;)

-Sparkles from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
The Autumn Queen chapter 4 . 6/7/2012
Your first paragraph is a little too long. By the time I got to the end of it, I lost what was at the beginning and had to reread it to find something that tied it together. Probably better to cut it down a little. Makes it easier to follow.

“"You never asked." He retorted back. “ – comma instead of fullstop and a lowercase “He”?

I like the conversations again. Particularly the “dopey” one. Family dynamics and the teasing that sets relationships on a rollercoaster. And considering the two people this time round…it seems almost ironic. Either that or Stephan’s rather careless with his words.
The Autumn Queen chapter 3 . 6/7/2012
I like the repetition of normality. At this point, it has become foreshadowing and yet it still holds something…else to it. I’d call it one of your motifs. :)

Those timetables sound simpler than our ones for high school. We only got two letters.

Like the discussions too. Each illuminates something different about the character and the setting and context.

The only odd thing I found was the “if memory serves” part. You’re quoting people and the narrator’s not sure of the date? In any case, it doesn’t really add anything, but otherwise, excellent job.
The Autumn Queen chapter 2 . 6/7/2012
“As I gradually get to know then better, “ – Know them better.

There was a time where it was just him and I, Melanie was at work, and he took me to a theme park. – this sentence reads a little oddly. It’s to do with your commas I think.

On the whole, I love how you write your POV. Not only does it give us a good and balanced insight into the characters, both narrator and otherwise, but you’re able to explain inaction without dragging like I tend to. Are you still beta-reading by any chance?

Anyway, one thing I don’t particularly like is your use of commas. It seems to be a little excessive. On the whole, you’re not varying your pauses all that much. I saw a few semi-colons, but what about ellipses and dashes? While there isn’t anything shocking by narrative so far, there’s still some opportunity for them.
The Autumn Queen chapter 1 . 6/6/2012
I like your beginning. The emphasis on normality while highlighting all the things that were different. And especially effective seeing as it's first person POV. In the mean time, you've highlighted an unusual (or perhaps taboo) relationship, another relationship, aka. Cyrus and his parents, and picked on society. And all in your first paragraph. Amazing.

I also like the comparison between the societal view and the narrative view. One of the rare circumstances where we can get both sides of the coin from a single POV. That's hard to do with first person, come to expect bias...and there's no doubt there is bias in this narrative, but at the same time you're giving us a wider picture and equating it. Minoritynarrative, background character POVmajority. Somehow balances out quite nicely.
dragonflydreamer chapter 17 . 6/2/2012
The beginning of this was a fun, fluffy chapter. Not really "fluffy," because a lot of serious things were going on, but I like the time jump giving the characters a relief from everything that had been happening and some amount of closure and acceptance of where they are. Bringing in the baby every so often was really cute. I like that she hasn't made a decision yet about it-obviously not an abortion anymore, but what's going to happen once she has it. It looks like Cyrus really wants a kid, hmm?

Whoa, backstory! Can any more shit be hurled at Cy? I'm glad you've finally explained the Angelica mystery, and also why he can't say the name Eva. I totally called that Angelica was Stephen's sister, but it was something I had to figure out and wasn't painfully obvious, so nice balance there. But anyway, the whole thing with Pretty awesome plot-she's terrible for doing that, but I'm sure women do it all the time.

Ahhhh the end. One of those "so quick it's like it never happened" things, huh? Can't wait to see the fallout of that.
dragonflydreamer chapter 16 . 6/2/2012
Before I get into a review for this chapter: I just decided to go back and re-read the prologue, and whoa, it's all like "this ending is going to be depressing as hell." I like that I forgot this. I mean, to be fair, I started this story a while ago and came back to it, but I think even reading this straight through, it's easy to forget that you've already said their relationship doesn't work out. I always like that trick of telling the ending at the beginning.

Anyway, on to the chapter itself. I like that she has time away from Cyrus in the hospital. That's a hell of a lot to deal with and it was nice to see her struggling on her own (well, with Mel there) for a change. And whoa, sexual tension at the end. I like that nothing actually happened, though. It was a lot more about the strength of people's feelings for each other if they can express their feelings (love, sympathy, compassion, etc. in this case) without having to make it physical). But the chin thing-totally sitting on the edge of my chair, hah.
dragonflydreamer chapter 15 . 6/1/2012
["Neither me,"] Me neither?

[a year eight form class were in there] You're using the noun "class," so was, not were.

Whoa, lots of action this chapter!

The credibility of the pregnancy thing is still iffy to me. Why did this cross no one's mind before? She didn't even see a doctor? I guess I'm just going to have to move past that, because there's a lot you could do with the plot now that you have it. Is she going to go through the trauma of an abortion? Is she going to choose to raise it, and *hint hint* maybe have a father figure around?

I do like where things are going with Ceri and Emerson. To an extent, they're pretty one dimensional, but it is very realistic to lose your so-called "best friends" when you really fall in love with someone, so I like the way they're working into the plot. Maybe in a longer story you could have developed their characters more, but right now, I think they're playing just the role they need to.
dragonflydreamer chapter 14 . 6/1/2012
Not a very action-packed chapter, but I really liked it. It was a good change of pace and let us see the characters not in a dire situation for the first time in a while. I'm beginning to realize how much leeway these guys get because Cyrus is friends with Stephen. Like, he's driving her to school all the time and they joke around in class, and they can get away with knowing each other from elsewhere. I wonder how much conflict will arise when a relationship develops.
dragonflydreamer chapter 13 . 6/1/2012
Hm, I take a bit of issue with this chapter. I know the natural human reaction in this kind of scenario is to relate/commiserate, btu really, as a teacher/responsible adult/person who cares about Eva, he handled this situation terribly. Contact the police. Get her a rape kit. Get her to the hospital. Every minute she isn't getting help, she's in more medical danger and any legal case she has is losing credibility. It rubbed me the wrong way that these things were never even mentioned.

Still, I think you handled the rape better than most. I trust that you're going to deal with the fallout well and not just drop it as a subplot. And Cyrus's Maybe leaning toward the melodramatic, but he has such an unusual and flawed personality, he sort of begs to have this complex of a backstory.

I hope, considering the rape, you take some time before anything physical happens in their relationship, but this was definitely a major step forward in their connection.
dragonflydreamer chapter 12 . 6/1/2012
[or Dr Quince as he was officially supposed to be know as,] Known. You could also probably take out the "as."

[ nintendo ds handheld games console out from his desk draw. ] Capitalize Nintendo DS. Game, not games. And drawer, not draw.

[Seemingly in a different world that the actual classroom ] than, not that

[Angelina swept his hair over her shoulder] her hair

[he picked back up the machine] Picked the machine back up.

[playing with an ping-pong ball, attached to the bat with a piece of elastic.] Why not just say paddle ball?

[it was truly obscene, as Cyrus would have said] Hah, I love how his vocabulary is working its way into her thoughts.

["I don't reckon he even knows what alone what it is] Take out "alone."

[With a slightly frown] slight, not slightly

Nice chapter. They're both retracting back into their shells a bit which gives some variety to the plot arc. Love the Pokemon stuff, haha.
dragonflydreamer chapter 11 . 6/1/2012
Great glimpse into their back story. I'm inclined to feel that the emotional moment at the end was a tad too early-she's talking about the friendship she feels, but aside from affectionate bickering, we haven't seen too much actual connection between the two-but in the general span of the story, it fits into the pacing well. Interesting to make him a pianist, by the way. It gives him an interesting new level.
dragonflydreamer chapter 10 . 5/31/2012
I liked this chapter because it had a lot more going on action-wise than we've seen in a while. Oh man, that ending. That's gotta sting. But I like how much it reveals their feelings for each other. Nothing like jealousy to make you realize that, huh?
dragonflydreamer chapter 9 . 5/31/2012
[He was dressed back in more formal suit wear that being with, much to my amusement, a pink pin-striped shirt.] Weird wording. I'd try to clean that up.

[How he could bare to do so was entirely beyond me.] bare bear

[Contrary to most beliefs, it was Stephen who said that, not I.] Whose beliefs are you referring to? This sentence was just odd.

[, you couldn't image the damage that it would ensure."] Imagine

One of my favorite chapters in a while. It was nice to get a perspective back into the mix that wasn't just the two of them. Also, Ceri saying he stares at her is interesting. It gives a different view of Cyrus.

"Well, you see, back in the day, when I was still a Shallax warrior-" Hah! Love the sass.
dragonflydreamer chapter 8 . 5/31/2012
Hm, not much specifically to say on this chapter. Their cute and bickering interactions are building up. I feel like this one was a little cliche, especially with the cat, but it was a fun read nonetheless. I like that we finally get to see him laugh at the end. Maybe this will reveal a new side to his character.
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