Reviews for Elegy For The Deefective
YasuRan chapter 1 . 6/5/2011
Courtesy of the Review Marathon (link in my profile).

I love how your descriptions begin with the physical: the raindrops and glass ceilings, the 'condescendolence' that befalls most funerals and then transcends into pseudo territory. It leaves me thinking, trying to convene on what the writer means to say about the death of this person? A muse, I daresay?

Your trademark wordplay works wonders yet again. In particular, the stanza containing 'but with every lingering second' and so forth. It adds that heaviness of reality to the verses, grounding the reader in the writer's despair. Wonderful work and a joy to read (irony unintended).
SomeRandomScribbles chapter 1 . 5/17/2011
This is a really great piece :) I like how your first line is simple and seperate from the others, a contrast to the rest of the piece. Your language is amazing, and I love the sense of confusion and chaos you create.

At times you type out words as they are said - I feel this is more effective with "ex-hale" than "crum-buh-ling", but both offer variety. I also feel in your final stanza you should start a new line before the "I keen loooking..."? But that's just an idea :)

The repetition in this piece is very effective, and not overdone. Overall, brilliant :)
andsherose chapter 1 . 2/24/2011
Hm- I'm very torn about this poem. The repetitions were well-done (e.g., or deaf ears). That's a difficult task in itself without making the poem redundant/cliche. I also liked

"sigh (oh God) and shaky ex-hale "

and

"surging, swirling, scathing emotion spilling to a stand-still from"

For the sheer brilliance of the line.

But the poem as a whole felt a little underdone. Perhaps a little bit more editing and tightening would help. Also some lines like

"tumbling with the lost

tumbleweeds-"

Felt rather clumsy rather than sharp/stark/poignant.

All in all, I think the poem has tons of potential. The vocabulary is exquisite. Keep up the good work. :)
thewhimsicalbard chapter 1 . 2/16/2011
Loss of Words: It's called wordplay, and Dee does it better than anyone. Her image there would imply a particular sort of condescension and condolence, wrapped into one package. Which is a fantastic image, because it did exactly what it was supposed to do. The fact that you saw both words when you were reading it is indicative of that.

I agree that the allusion to Schrodinger was excellently placed, though. Gawd, Dee. I though you died. Where the hell have you been? It must be February... The month of my birth, and the most depressing month of the year.

Welcome back. This place is too damn quiet when you aren't around :)

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say you've been taking a chemistry class this semester, because your piece was absolutely full of chemistry-centric metaphors. I can also see that scientific language as an indication of the speaker's self-induced departure from the world of the writer, though. Holy crap. Where was the sex? There's no sex!

I am hoping, though, now that the system has been measured, the cat is now officially not dead. Which is wonderful. I thought you had just disappeared off the face of the earth.

Damn. It's good to have you back.

Oh, by the way, you never added me on skype. You should winkwinknudgenudge get on that.

-twb
Loss of Words chapter 1 . 2/15/2011
Wow, I loved the emotion in this poem. It was very real, and I felt it. I definitely like that.

I also really, really liked the verse,

"I have never been to a funeral,

but with every unlingering second and

handful of sand and

breath (deep breath) and

sigh (oh God) and shaky ex-hale,

I come closer.

"Formaldehyde smooth cheeks" - I like that description.

Nitpicks:

"condescendolence" isn't actually a word in the dictionary, so I don't know if you mean "condolences" or "condescendence." (condolences sounds about right to me)

The reference to Schrodinger's box was clever, but doesn't really fit, since we already know that the body is dead. It might fit if you establish that the main character hasn't seen the dead body, and thus for all s/he knew, the person could be alive anyways.

"blank calendar squares dancing in circles around my body but no, not my body." - fantastic imagery, but I had to read it through three times to get the image. The feeling I get from this particular image has a bit of a cartoonish quality to it, and I don't feel that it really fits the overall feel of the poem.

Okay, in all honesty, my nitpicks themselves are minor ones. They're ones that you should definitely address/consider, methinks, but other than that I think this is a fantastic poem.