|Reviews for Wand (ワンド)|
| kingofe3 chapter 17 . 1/5/2013
It was kinda funny. I enjoy conversations between characters.
| Lord Slayer chapter 23 . 1/4/2013
Another good battle scene.
You need to work on redundancies. I notice that a lot of things get mentioned over-and-over after you've already mentioned them once, like Hikaru's golden light rapier, or the three flaming arrows, or Sora's raven hair. Once you've mentioned what something looks like it's only on rare occasions that you need to mention that description again, less you run the risk of seeming condescending towards your readers. It also tends to slow down battle scenes, which benefit from shorter sentences. Just say "Hikaru's rapier," or arrows.
| Lord Slayer chapter 22 . 1/4/2013
If I could offer a suggestion: Steel seems too specific for an elemental power. There are many different kinds of metal in the world with a ton of properties that you could make use of. (not to mention steel doesn't occur naturally). Why not give yourself more options and make it the element of Metal instead?
| Lord Slayer chapter 21 . 1/4/2013
Noo! Not mind control on Sayuriiiii!
| Kay Avanti chapter 23 . 1/4/2013
That! Was! Amazing! The battles are epic and so are you're characters update soon!
| Lord Slayer chapter 20 . 1/4/2013
Gaah! Stop acting like you're going to give vital information and then interrupt! You're driving me crazy with the suspense! Kidding. ;)
"Hey there, old man! Didn't know you're coming!"
- You're is a compound for "you are." It should be "you were."
| Lord Slayer chapter 15 . 1/4/2013
Going back over this part with the way Wands and Wizards work makes me wonder if you've read Negima! before.
| Lord Slayer chapter 14 . 1/4/2013
Hmm. Ze plot thickens. And why am I now French?
Something I've been wondering: Can an infinite caster actually use an unlimited amount of magic, or is there some limit to what they can do?
| Lord Slayer chapter 12 . 1/4/2013
Seems weird that Katashi would look down on both the unempowered and Wands. Especially if he's going through all the trouble to collect a Sacred Wand like Sora.
One thing that kind of bothered me structurally was this: "We advise you not to bring any of your friends from Azimura High. If you do so and we will ALWAYS know if you do so, we cannot assure their safety."
- The part "and we will always know," isn't needed, because of course they'll know if she shows up with friends.
Good job all the samel, though.
| Lord Slayer chapter 11 . 1/3/2013
Cool. Hopefully there'll be more acion soon.
| Lord Slayer chapter 10 . 1/3/2013
Hmm, interesting back story for Sayuri and Shiori. Is such an arrangement common with old magical families? I hope the families of wizards/wands comes up again later.
I always feel like the scenery is a little bare. Like in the first scene we know basically nothing of their surroundings. We only know about the pillars when you needed them. Telling us about the scenery can be a great way to immerse readers into the scene and build up the atmosphere. At least experiment with them.
| Ryou Arubin chapter 1 . 1/3/2013
Hello there! This is a nicely done prologue you have here!
Although you stated it in your summary that Sora returned to her hometown to find the mysterious boy, I was wondering if that's the only reason, since after reading the part about her being separated from her father since ten years ago. But nonetheless, this prologue did show a little background about Sora's family, which appears to be quite complicated.
Your descriptions were really great and vivid, although you may want to tone down a little as I felt that the pace was slightly affected as a result.
Other than that, you have done a great job with the prologue. Onto the next chapter!
| Katsurou Shimizu chapter 2 . 1/3/2013
Hold on, the MC is a soccer player? I like her already! Which position does she play in and what club does she support? XD
I don't really like Sora's mother; she seems too overbearing for my tastes (almost to the point I wanted to defend Toru against my wishes), though I can see how it can make the story a lot more juicy in terms of family conflict and all that. But real life, give me predictable mothers any day.
And although I don't read much shoujo mangas, this story has the feel of it from the giggly conversations between Sora and her friends, and that bishounen description of said boy at the end of the chapter. A nice change for a read.
[Yukimino Sora left the train, rolling behind her is her traveling bag]
- This sentence sounded awkward, so maybe something like "Yukimino Sora left the train with her traveling bag rolling behind her."
[It did not need much concentration however, the roads were almost deserted]
- a semicolon would be more appropriate perhaps? Or maybe replace "however" with "since"
["It's France, Dad, in Paris," Sora corrected her]
- her should be 'him'?
| Katsurou Shimizu chapter 1 . 1/3/2013
Ah yes, the commonly used return-to-hometown beginning. Not that I particularly minded. This one reminded me a little of Kanon, especially with that flashback scene at the cherry blossom tree. Always been a bit of a romantic so I liked the cute childlike innocence, and of course, the magic undertones already promised in the prologue.
Though I did like the flashback scene, I'm not really a fan of prologues which consist predominantly recollections (but I must admit I am personally guilty of it myself at times :P), since they do take away from the active experience of world immersion. So a possible alternative could perhaps be the prologue consisting of the cherry blossom scene in its entirety. And the next chapter beginning with Sora sitting in the train and possibly thinking about that particular moment. Just a suggestion if you do get back to rewriting it.
I like your descriptions, but I do have to agree with Ki-tan that they do verge on become over flowery at times. There are some unnecessary adjectives and adverbs which at times, made the prose awkward.
["You-you're welcome…" said Sora nervously, wondering why she was so nervous all of a sudden.]
There is no need for the 'nervously', since it is already hinted by the speech, and the second part of the sentence merely confirms the fact. Sometimes less is more.
Other than that, this is a nicely done prologue which ends with enough intrigue for the reader to go on to the next chapter. And with regards to your author's note, I am also quite similar in terms of the brainstorming process; I stare into space very often, which is not good when it comes to driving :P
| Lord Slayer chapter 9 . 1/2/2013
Yay, character and romantic development!
One thing I'd like to point out is that you need to maintain a consistent point of view in each scene. Like in first scene you switch from Rina, to Toru and to Sora's point of view in rapid succession with no warning. Or with Sora and Sayuri: It's Sora's POV for most of it, then when she leaves the room Sauyri becomes the focus of the scene. When doing limited 3rd person omnisience, it's much lesser confusing for readers to stick with one person per scene. It can also make getting into the character's mind easier if you spend the whole scene with them.