|Reviews for Wand (ワンド)|
| Ryou Arubin chapter 1 . 1/3/2013
Hello there! This is a nicely done prologue you have here!
Although you stated it in your summary that Sora returned to her hometown to find the mysterious boy, I was wondering if that's the only reason, since after reading the part about her being separated from her father since ten years ago. But nonetheless, this prologue did show a little background about Sora's family, which appears to be quite complicated.
Your descriptions were really great and vivid, although you may want to tone down a little as I felt that the pace was slightly affected as a result.
Other than that, you have done a great job with the prologue. Onto the next chapter!
| Katsurou Shimizu chapter 2 . 1/3/2013
Hold on, the MC is a soccer player? I like her already! Which position does she play in and what club does she support? XD
I don't really like Sora's mother; she seems too overbearing for my tastes (almost to the point I wanted to defend Toru against my wishes), though I can see how it can make the story a lot more juicy in terms of family conflict and all that. But real life, give me predictable mothers any day.
And although I don't read much shoujo mangas, this story has the feel of it from the giggly conversations between Sora and her friends, and that bishounen description of said boy at the end of the chapter. A nice change for a read.
[Yukimino Sora left the train, rolling behind her is her traveling bag]
- This sentence sounded awkward, so maybe something like "Yukimino Sora left the train with her traveling bag rolling behind her."
[It did not need much concentration however, the roads were almost deserted]
- a semicolon would be more appropriate perhaps? Or maybe replace "however" with "since"
["It's France, Dad, in Paris," Sora corrected her]
- her should be 'him'?
| Katsurou Shimizu chapter 1 . 1/3/2013
Ah yes, the commonly used return-to-hometown beginning. Not that I particularly minded. This one reminded me a little of Kanon, especially with that flashback scene at the cherry blossom tree. Always been a bit of a romantic so I liked the cute childlike innocence, and of course, the magic undertones already promised in the prologue.
Though I did like the flashback scene, I'm not really a fan of prologues which consist predominantly recollections (but I must admit I am personally guilty of it myself at times :P), since they do take away from the active experience of world immersion. So a possible alternative could perhaps be the prologue consisting of the cherry blossom scene in its entirety. And the next chapter beginning with Sora sitting in the train and possibly thinking about that particular moment. Just a suggestion if you do get back to rewriting it.
I like your descriptions, but I do have to agree with Ki-tan that they do verge on become over flowery at times. There are some unnecessary adjectives and adverbs which at times, made the prose awkward.
["You-you're welcome…" said Sora nervously, wondering why she was so nervous all of a sudden.]
There is no need for the 'nervously', since it is already hinted by the speech, and the second part of the sentence merely confirms the fact. Sometimes less is more.
Other than that, this is a nicely done prologue which ends with enough intrigue for the reader to go on to the next chapter. And with regards to your author's note, I am also quite similar in terms of the brainstorming process; I stare into space very often, which is not good when it comes to driving :P
| Lord Slayer chapter 9 . 1/2/2013
Yay, character and romantic development!
One thing I'd like to point out is that you need to maintain a consistent point of view in each scene. Like in first scene you switch from Rina, to Toru and to Sora's point of view in rapid succession with no warning. Or with Sora and Sayuri: It's Sora's POV for most of it, then when she leaves the room Sauyri becomes the focus of the scene. When doing limited 3rd person omnisience, it's much lesser confusing for readers to stick with one person per scene. It can also make getting into the character's mind easier if you spend the whole scene with them.
| Iceleaf chapter 23 . 12/24/2012
I look forward to the next chapter and I hope you update soon.
| MissKluck chapter 23 . 12/3/2012
Oh my gosh, oh my gosh! It's so exciting! With Sora and Hikaru and then with Ryuu and Hinata and then Hikaru's father and! Oh, please update soon, I have to know what'll happen! :O
| MissKluck chapter 21 . 12/3/2012
I've just read your chapter 17 and 18, and as always, they're amazing! You write so well and really know how to connect to your reader and get them to follow the story. It kind of feels like Christmas when you're updating and I always look forward to your updates! Keep on writing and I'll keep on following. :)
| DarknessPrincess chapter 13 . 11/30/2012
Hey! I just want to say how much of a good writer you are and your story and plots are amazing! Aaannnnnddddddd i noticed you're using greek and roman mythologies. Like apollo he's from greek myths and bacchus he's from roman myths. Which is actually A FREAKING AWSOME IDEA! Seriously! Well, i would ramble, er... type more but it would be really long so, bye!
| igeisha chapter 12 . 11/10/2012
sugoi! Love ur stories!
| igeisha chapter 9 . 11/10/2012
I love love love ur story! 3 -
| igeisha chapter 1 . 11/10/2012
really, really good.
| Iceleaf chapter 21 . 11/7/2012
My birthday was on the 29th of October.
I look forward to the next chapter.
| Boomer Kid chapter 3 . 10/17/2012
Oh yeah, forgot to point out bloopers from Ch 3: The Tree from Ten Years Ago
As the petals brush upon her body, Sora felt her body lighten, her heart beat normally again and her senses back under her control. (you wrote brush in present tense)
He had very fair skin and as she neared the girl, Sora realized he was pretty good-looking. (Yeap. The usual he/she mix up)
"Azimura High?!" What was the school got to do with this?
Those that I remember for now.
| Boomer Kid chapter 4 . 10/17/2012
It's good to get to know more about the cast! The introductions may be swift, but you have the rest of the whole story to develop the characters as you please, so I don't think you'll have to worry too much.
Hikaru strikes me as your usual bad attitude guy with his first outburst. But thinking about it more, maybe he's just more of an easily angered type. He did get a full bucket of water dumped on him after all, plus he got a good taste of soccer ball. Drenched Hikaru's angry face with water droplets dripping onto the floor as he glares at Sora... yep, can definitely see that. D
I have a feeling that what you've just introduced in this chapter regarding magic are two rival schools/rival magic clubs/guilds or something (guilds may be overdoing it p), not just your usual light/evil kind of sides, but I'll read more and see. Interesting to see the little bits of magic, though I think sometimes showing Sora's thoughts to narrate some of the bits like her face-off with the Illusion could give a better impact, but I'm still impressed nonetheless.
Ah, fear of darkness, poor thing. Once in a while I'll get creepers from the dark for some reason, but nothing can beat my fear of heights. Aha.
All the best! I'll be reading more!
| Boomer Kid chapter 2 . 10/8/2012
Hey there. Well, I kind of stumbled upon this by chance, browsing stuff idly, and I have to say that I was glad that I took the time to read your first 2 chapters so far.
You definitely write very well with descriptions vivid and conceivable. It was a breeze reading your chapters, the words flowed really smoothly. It felt, relaxing and peaceful, very fun interactions and great character portrayal. There were a couple instances of passive writing/telling where I believe just showing is better (I believe telling is okay for certain instances where you may want to share info), and I believe that with tiny edits to those, you can really make this already promising story much better.
I'm the kind of guy who doesn't mind cliches (provided the whole story is not one big cliche), since I believe execution and quality comes before originality. It was actually the girl goes back to hometown setting that got me hooked into this story. It definitely has to be the way you make the interactions believable, nice dialogue while showing all the little actions of characters to hint on their feelings etc.
Just some minor bloopers I've found in Chapter 1 after the Prologue:
: "It's France, Dad, in Paris," Sora corrected her as she took another sip of the tasty orange juice Rina prepared.
"I'll think about it," replied Sora as she sliced through the pork chop with a knife, unlike his father.
Basically, the his/her stuff. Hehe, I've made this blooper a few times myself.
Oh and, among the last paragraphs, you accidentally slipped into present tense.
: Finally, he resembles the person Sora thought she'd never meet.
Couldn't spot any other bloopers. Just wanted to point out the little stuff, it's alright to make mistakes.
Can't say much more for now. I'll comment more once I've read a handful more chapters. All the best!