|Reviews for Wand (ワンド)|
| Lord Slayer chapter 11 . 1/3/2013
Cool. Hopefully there'll be more acion soon.
| Lord Slayer chapter 10 . 1/3/2013
Hmm, interesting back story for Sayuri and Shiori. Is such an arrangement common with old magical families? I hope the families of wizards/wands comes up again later.
I always feel like the scenery is a little bare. Like in the first scene we know basically nothing of their surroundings. We only know about the pillars when you needed them. Telling us about the scenery can be a great way to immerse readers into the scene and build up the atmosphere. At least experiment with them.
| xXxd chapter 1 . 1/3/2013
Hello there! This is a nicely done prologue you have here!
Although you stated it in your summary that Sora returned to her hometown to find the mysterious boy, I was wondering if that's the only reason, since after reading the part about her being separated from her father since ten years ago. But nonetheless, this prologue did show a little background about Sora's family, which appears to be quite complicated.
Your descriptions were really great and vivid, although you may want to tone down a little as I felt that the pace was slightly affected as a result.
Other than that, you have done a great job with the prologue. Onto the next chapter!
| Katsurou Shimizu chapter 2 . 1/3/2013
Hold on, the MC is a soccer player? I like her already! Which position does she play in and what club does she support? XD
I don't really like Sora's mother; she seems too overbearing for my tastes (almost to the point I wanted to defend Toru against my wishes), though I can see how it can make the story a lot more juicy in terms of family conflict and all that. But real life, give me predictable mothers any day.
And although I don't read much shoujo mangas, this story has the feel of it from the giggly conversations between Sora and her friends, and that bishounen description of said boy at the end of the chapter. A nice change for a read.
[Yukimino Sora left the train, rolling behind her is her traveling bag]
- This sentence sounded awkward, so maybe something like "Yukimino Sora left the train with her traveling bag rolling behind her."
[It did not need much concentration however, the roads were almost deserted]
- a semicolon would be more appropriate perhaps? Or maybe replace "however" with "since"
["It's France, Dad, in Paris," Sora corrected her]
- her should be 'him'?
| Katsurou Shimizu chapter 1 . 1/3/2013
Ah yes, the commonly used return-to-hometown beginning. Not that I particularly minded. This one reminded me a little of Kanon, especially with that flashback scene at the cherry blossom tree. Always been a bit of a romantic so I liked the cute childlike innocence, and of course, the magic undertones already promised in the prologue.
Though I did like the flashback scene, I'm not really a fan of prologues which consist predominantly recollections (but I must admit I am personally guilty of it myself at times :P), since they do take away from the active experience of world immersion. So a possible alternative could perhaps be the prologue consisting of the cherry blossom scene in its entirety. And the next chapter beginning with Sora sitting in the train and possibly thinking about that particular moment. Just a suggestion if you do get back to rewriting it.
I like your descriptions, but I do have to agree with Ki-tan that they do verge on become over flowery at times. There are some unnecessary adjectives and adverbs which at times, made the prose awkward.
["You-you're welcome…" said Sora nervously, wondering why she was so nervous all of a sudden.]
There is no need for the 'nervously', since it is already hinted by the speech, and the second part of the sentence merely confirms the fact. Sometimes less is more.
Other than that, this is a nicely done prologue which ends with enough intrigue for the reader to go on to the next chapter. And with regards to your author's note, I am also quite similar in terms of the brainstorming process; I stare into space very often, which is not good when it comes to driving :P
| Lord Slayer chapter 9 . 1/2/2013
Yay, character and romantic development!
One thing I'd like to point out is that you need to maintain a consistent point of view in each scene. Like in first scene you switch from Rina, to Toru and to Sora's point of view in rapid succession with no warning. Or with Sora and Sayuri: It's Sora's POV for most of it, then when she leaves the room Sauyri becomes the focus of the scene. When doing limited 3rd person omnisience, it's much lesser confusing for readers to stick with one person per scene. It can also make getting into the character's mind easier if you spend the whole scene with them.
| Iceleaf chapter 23 . 12/24/2012
I look forward to the next chapter and I hope you update soon.
| MissKluck chapter 23 . 12/3/2012
Oh my gosh, oh my gosh! It's so exciting! With Sora and Hikaru and then with Ryuu and Hinata and then Hikaru's father and! Oh, please update soon, I have to know what'll happen! :O
| MissKluck chapter 21 . 12/3/2012
I've just read your chapter 17 and 18, and as always, they're amazing! You write so well and really know how to connect to your reader and get them to follow the story. It kind of feels like Christmas when you're updating and I always look forward to your updates! Keep on writing and I'll keep on following. :)
| DarknessPrincess chapter 13 . 11/30/2012
Hey! I just want to say how much of a good writer you are and your story and plots are amazing! Aaannnnnddddddd i noticed you're using greek and roman mythologies. Like apollo he's from greek myths and bacchus he's from roman myths. Which is actually A FREAKING AWSOME IDEA! Seriously! Well, i would ramble, er... type more but it would be really long so, bye!
| igeisha chapter 12 . 11/10/2012
sugoi! Love ur stories!
| igeisha chapter 9 . 11/10/2012
I love love love ur story! 3 -
| igeisha chapter 1 . 11/10/2012
really, really good.
| Iceleaf chapter 21 . 11/7/2012
My birthday was on the 29th of October.
I look forward to the next chapter.
| Boomer Kid chapter 3 . 10/17/2012
Oh yeah, forgot to point out bloopers from Ch 3: The Tree from Ten Years Ago
As the petals brush upon her body, Sora felt her body lighten, her heart beat normally again and her senses back under her control. (you wrote brush in present tense)
He had very fair skin and as she neared the girl, Sora realized he was pretty good-looking. (Yeap. The usual he/she mix up)
"Azimura High?!" What was the school got to do with this?
Those that I remember for now.