Reviews for Flash Fiction
The Autumn Queen chapter 13 . 7/14/2012
Out of all the contest fics I've read so far, this one seems to have the strongest connection to music, and I like the strength of that connection because it shows your confidence as a writer and really puts out the theme.

I don't particularly like your use of speaker tags in this fic, but it is a little bit of a minor issue, made more prominent because of the length. They seem to be unnecessarily long at times, detaching from the dialogue, which actually plays more of a role towards the actual story. Perhaps cutting some of those down, eg. [The short one was writing on his pad as the taller one told of her of the fine line she was dancing.] - unnecessarily long. In fact, it's a given he's speaking anyway because he was the one who spoke before. If it was the shorter, you would mention it explicitely. Just makes things clearer.

Best of luck in the WCC.

Ohana from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
FFFUUU chapter 2 . 7/10/2012
It's dumb. Like, really. Why wouldju right in under 1,000 words anyway? It isn't even a short story. THIS DOESN'T DESERVE ANY PLACE IN LIVES.


And what wit da opening sentence? It isn't even a sentence. It's just a word. The corn sez the sperm will attack you now.
Nesasio chapter 13 . 7/4/2012
I have to admit I was a little disappointed at the relatively happy ending, haha. Other than that, though, I thought this was a cool little piece. I liked how Lily tried to keep her cool even though she was obviously freaking out inside. One thing that stood out to me was the speaker tags. There were a few places where they were done incorrectly like ' you were humming." One man,...,said.' Capitalized like that.

Aside from that, cool piece. Good luck in the WCC!
Nesasio chapter 12 . 6/16/2012
Very-belated return review for you. :)

A quiet shoulder to cry on, a confident...


I really wanted to check this out since you won WCC with it (congrats, btw) and I couldn't think of anything for the prompt so you're already cooler than me, haha.

I mostly like the beginning of this. I thought it was cool how you showed what the narrator was like, filling whatever role his mom wanted. It was a fairly straightforward introduction but I thought it was neat how you didn't come out and say 'I can literally be whatever they want'. Just the matter-of-fact statement makes that clear.

The only thing that confused me about that beginning was that it was a little unclear that he chose to be those things. Each statement is cause and effect, 'someone wanted so I was'. I didn't realize at first that he had any choice in the matter. As a result, it came as a bit of a surprise that he chose not to play the part the other people needed. It wasn't very distracting, just struck me as odd.

The ending was a nice twist. It felt a little rushed to me, somehow, but I don't know how that could be fixed. All the other assessments of people's needs were similarly brief, so it's fitting with the rest of the story, but given the gravity of the situation, it seemed like it needed something more.

Overall, though, cool story. :)
Y HELO THAR chapter 1 . 6/15/2012
(_)_)D O:

That's what this review wants to make me do to myself.

Candlewick chapter 1 . 6/15/2012
It's not even a chapter. DUHHHH.




sophiesix chapter 12 . 6/15/2012
i like how you set the scene with how this girl -sorry, guy! I just assumed from the initial passivity! :O - can be whatever anyone needs her to be, then just at the perfect monent introduce teh "...but i won't." and you're left wondering, ooh,why? for a good reason or an evil one? :D i like how you work that. teh tension builds beautifully, and teh voice is strong and controlled and engaging. the one part i didn't love was teh ending, actually, because i felt the rest was so fresh and convincing, the characters and their situations felt real, that a no-motive (well, no personal motive) murder just fell a little flat? Other than that, this was awesome. best of luck in teh wcc!

typo? "a confident" confidante?
Inkspilled chapter 12 . 6/9/2012
"I don't think she fully realizes what I am, but that's part of what she needs." - great line! Love the subtle foreshadowing there.

"a confident, a bad influence, or a guiding light," - I think it's a confidant (confidante if female), someone you share secrets with.

"I've been the one that controls everything so that the one doesn't have to think."- repeated 'the one' twice there, I was a little confused.

Very cool ending. I wasn't sure where this was going, but that really cleared it up. I like the sinister tone you end on and the way it literally started at the beginning of the MC's life. Very creepy. Interesting idea. :)

Good Luck on the WCC!
this wild abyss chapter 12 . 6/8/2012
[From the Review Marathon, link in profile]

Oooh, I really like this one! It's really smart and creative and thought-provoking. Great interpretation of the prompt! The first thing that stood out to me was the narrator. I liked their way of expressing themself because it jumped out and grabbed by attention and made me want to read more. The actual content of the piece was super, super interesting, too. I loved how this person introduced the various people in need of something and then explained why they wouldn't give them what they need because it was a great, subtle way of characterizing this narrator. And the last few lines were just perfect. Excellent job!

Good luck in the WCC!
Stephanie M. Moore chapter 11 . 5/8/2012
I'm personally a fan of flash fiction, and this one certainly demands the reader's attention and keeps it till the end.

"It was ready and caught him, but that was [what] the man had wanted."

You were just missing "what" in that sentence.

This story is so tragic. We aren't offered much information about the scene, other than the grisly details of Bryce's delusion. We aren't offered any explanation of what prompted Bryce to attack, what it is that gives him these images, or details of the setting.

But the mystery sort of adds to the atmosphere, and I think the lack of description allows the tension to build without distracting the reader with other details. The ending is... well, perfect. I think you phrased it brilliantly.

I think this is one of my favorite pieces that I've read from you. It's certainly darker, but it's so well-written. Great job and best of luck!
lookingwest chapter 11 . 5/8/2012
This was quite horrific! I think this was the most violent/brutal of the pieces I've read so far so it definitely commands attention in that respect. I like how you showed and created this tension and tragedy in Bryce's character. It came across well in that moment where you revealed it was his own father. I liked the anguish you described and it felt very real in that sense. I also think you do a good job with the descriptions of the gore at the beginning, especially the moment when he stomps on his head. That was quite a haunting image! You incorporated the prompt well, I could get a good visual of it in the "The rain started to drizzle" paragraph-the picture was there very clearly, and I think that's a cool thing to do with picture prompts and its not often done in the way you did it. So yeah I liked this flash fiction and thanks for the read! Best of luck in this month's WCC!
lookingwest chapter 9 . 4/16/2012
I feel like the first three paragraphs of this format-wise should be separated into three separate paragraphs instead of just line broken. I loved the first line/paragraph though, it was strong and grabbed me right in. It also is a bit poetic and for that reason I think it lends itself well to the flash fiction genre.

She had fought the demon... - I would suggest just omitting "had" here to keep your sentences bolder and not as passive-sounding.

Every step, every turn and every thought - needs a comma after "every turn"

...her small happiness she had attained. - again would get rid of "had"

She had let the thing drag her to death's door this last time, and she had seen how despicable she was. - maybe omit "had" in the first clause and change "she had seen" to "she saw"

It was a hard thing to see- herself as a weak broken doll-, but... - omit the comma after the hyphen since it acts as an EM dash

...resolve to be free again. - would omit the "again", implied

...she pulled a lance of hope and love from her heart... - LOVED the imagery here, this was such a beautiful sentence and I like how you made it its own paragraph. Wonderful, again accessing that poetic tone.

She had hope that she could be better. - would re-word "She hoped she could be better."

She had hope that she could walk away... - "She hoped she could walk away..."

She had hope for a life... - "She hoped for..."

I like the repetition of those three sentences though! Very good pacing moment and it was indeed hopeful after such a dramatic sentence/paragraph before hand. Great set-up.

The man sat forward, and smoothed the hair from the daughter's face, "Yes dear..." - With this one, I feel like it should be "his daughter's face" because she calls him Dad, so it's already known to the reader that she would be his daughter, not just ambiguously "the". Also as an edit, make sure there's a period instead of a comma after "face"

Her father smiled at her softly, "Your mother..." - period instead of comma after "softly"

Enjoyed the line "love crashed down on her", it was emotional and did the trick, I could really get the gravity of her situation from that line.

Tears began to fall, "I'm so..." - period instead of comma after "fall"

She had defeated her demon... - omit "had"

Basically the big thing I have to say about your style is that it does err on wordy at times just because I feel you include unneeded wording that, if omitted, could really strengthen the sentences. Rely more on the verbs than writing in a more passive voice-direct is always good!

I love that last line. This was a fun flash fiction! I loved how you took something that might err on cliche, the concept of defeating our own demons, etc. and turned it into a literal interpretation of that. I felt like by the end you were able to convey sympathy from the reader even though this is such a short piece, which was very well done and wonderful. I liked the little poetic moments throughout this and the literal/figurative language of the demon's meaning and descriptions. The inclusion of characters also makes it feel like it's part of a larger work and I enjoyed that the title was "Beginning".

Flash fiction is a genre that I think is really neglected on FP and I love to see this collection growing. I think you have a knack for it!
S.R. Revel chapter 2 . 10/17/2011
Hi there! Well, this is the first of your work I have had the time to read and I am blown away. Can we say I had tears in my eyes. Yes, you got to me big time. My heart kinda hurts right now, but it might be because I had a similar experience.

This was definitely well done, you conveyed the emotions so well you made me feel them.

Suffice to say, I am going to continue reading.
xenolith chapter 3 . 10/14/2011
What was interesting about this was his attitude. He was so blase about his predicament! At first I thought it was unrealistic and then as we learned a little more about him it started to make sense. I liked how you made a very simple prompt and a very simple writing style completely your own. All in all, I found it oddly refreshing. Well done!
xenolith chapter 2 . 10/14/2011
Hmm, this was very dark. There's a lot of raw emotion described in this piece and it's very specific to a mother's love, which is something we don't often encounter on Fiction Press. Even though it was very sad and twisted it was good to read about it. I can't imagine how awful it would be to give up the one thing that keeps you going, knowing before hand what it would probably do to you. But it felt like there was a good progression throughout the story - from hope, to anguish, all-out-despair and then the madness at the end. I really liked the last line, about how it was the life she had made for herself. That's quite poignant - often people don't realize that the shit they get themselves into is entirely their own fault. Either that, or they live in denial. I liked that the narrator was fully aware of herself at the end, even as she descends into craziness.

I did have a few line by line critiques to offer, but nothing major so far as grammar or anything. I would have liked a bit more description about the girl, not just her appearance and the memories that came with it (which were great, btw) but maybe something a little more specific to the story. Something like backstory. Even though it's flash fiction, and vague is good, a little extra can make it seem a lot more real to the reader.

Otherwise, I thought this was very good. Looking forward to reading more work from you!
37 | « Prev Page 1 2 3 Next »