|Reviews for A Vulnerable World|
| OttBallOut chapter 1 . 2/20/2011
The first thing that drew me to this particular story was the title. Simple, and descriptive.
I very much enjoyed reading the story. I really like the neames you chose. There were a few spelling/grammatical errors I like to point out. You had some trouble keeping your tenses consistant:
"They are so flimsy and gullible...that they don't have a care in the world"
"He hoped today won't be like the past two... (WOULDN'T be like...)
"Everyone will only care (WOULD only care) if America officially declares war on Iran, and Garth didn't think it'd be really soon (ANYTIME soon)."
These are just a couple of examples that might make the flow a little easier for the reader.
Some typos were also present, but are easily correctable: "tape o her glasses"; "So he slid it open. 'Hey sweetie,'" These are the two I could find while writing this review, but I think there was one other.
This story has some nice potential but it feels like a shell. You fit too much in to small a story. You have Garth's family and history, Skylar's family and history, the political background of 150 since today, as well as the history of the events currently happening. You could certainly expand on what was happening, mostly because, while you explanation of the crisis was descriptive, it was a bit hard to follow. The current uprising in Egypt is a great foundation, but as it is still unfolding, it is difficult to determine future events based on what's happening right now.
Your "current events" in the story sound almost identical as to today. Wouldn't this change over 150 years? If so, how? If not, why not?
On a personal note of the events you have: Most Middle Eastern countries (Iran, for instance) don't need Israel to "piss them off" for them to want to destroy Israel. They already want to.
A very good start to this story, and I hope you consider expanding it!
Have a nice day!