|Reviews for Forever and Ever and Never Again|
| Samantha chapter 4 . 9/28/2012
They love each other forever and ever till they die and also that how me and eric are now and also he has posion ivey all over his face
| The Autumn Queen chapter 1 . 9/7/2012
Would you believe it took be ages to find a fic I haven't already read from you? :) Why aren't you on my favourites list? *fixes quickly*
Haha. Nice contradiction with the title. Clever use of language there.
[Steph was the mistress of everything I didn't know; makeup, parties... boys. ] - that should be a colon as you follow with a list defining "everything I didn't know".
[She just have sulked if I told her no again.] - Huh? I think there's something missing there because that sentence makes no sense to me. Or maybe my brain is ready for my holidays next week.
["Just a couple. Hugh's coming,"] - end of a paragraph (well, line break but same thing as this isn't poetry). So why a comma? Or did FP eat something up again?
[ "I'll call," Green eyes] – that should be a fullstop after call.
While I don’t personally mind the line breaks except when it ends with the screen, I’d avoid using them for that reason. You could get readers missing breaks because you can’t really tab here, and if their screen just happens to end where the paragraph/sentence does, well…that’s a linebreak to no effect, isn’t it? Of course, your newer stories don’t have that, but this was pretty far up on your updates list.
I like how you portrayed the narrator here; the reliance mingled in with dim jealousy you’ve got going nicely sets the stage for a romantic and friendship disaster. :) A dance was an interesting choice of start; it reminds me of Pride and Prejudice in a way with a modern twist.
And welcome back. :)
| professional griefer chapter 1 . 6/15/2012
Great dialogue on this one. This just felt so natural and realistic, I could totally hear them talking. I like how well you do the modern world, especially after reading Jemima.
Your description is nice and effective, not very flowery, but that works. Your action felt a bit unclear, though, sometimes I didn't quite understand what was happening.
Characterization was alright,the only one that really stood out was Steph. In a slightly cliched plot line, I want the leads to stand out a bit more,but that just didn't happen.
So the dialogue is great, but I think the rest could use some work.
| Dr. Self Destruct chapter 1 . 6/14/2012
I really enjoyed how your main character, Rachel, is so shy and doesn't really belong in the party. She kinda reminds me of myself, so it's really easy to sympathize with her and relate to her on that kind of level. Also, I thought her narration on a whole was really funny and comical, and I like that she has a sense of humor. There were a few things she said throughout this that really made me laugh, like this line:
[Thankfully, Steph swooped in to save me before I made myself look stupid(er).]
I like how you put the 'er' in parenthesis, haha.
I don't know if this was formatted and posted when the document manager wasn't really working on FictionPress or not, but some of the paragraphs kinda bled into each other so you might want to go back and fix that before you add anymore chapters if you intend to keep going with this story. Also, one nit-pick I have for the dialogue is that something you have one character saying something, and then the speaker tag after that belongs to another character. Like this line:
["Excuse me," When I turned around, I nearly dropped my glass of cherryade.]
Just to keep it from confusing the reader you should put the narration after the dialogue in its own paragraph, or say after it, "said a voice from behind me." or something like that. I don't notice this being a problem in your more recent stuff, so I have a feeling you already fixed this. But just in case I thought I would point it out. :)
Anyways, I enjoyed reading this, if only to see if Rachel would end up making a fool of herself. But I'm glad she didn't and ended up with a guy interested in her - hopefully he's not a jerk.
| LazuliLarisa chapter 3 . 11/16/2011
Hello I read all three chapters, and I have to say, I really like your story. :D. The characters feel like real people, and that's always good. Also, I like your writing style, it sort of...I don't know, adds depth. Everything in this story feels believable. :D. I'm looking forward to reading more! 3.
| Silver Sparke chapter 2 . 11/13/2011
The beginning of this chapter was very interesting and hooking; it made me go, "What?" which is always nice :)
Typo: "brushing imaginary specks OFF my joggers," not of.
The paragraph about the ice rink being a whole different world seemed odd to me, considering just the paragraph before, she was falling on her butt and saying she would never get it. Then the paragraphs right after that she's back to trying to learn how to spin...
Typo: "grogily," should be spelled groggily.
The end of the chapter could have been better. It seemed random, almost. You could've continued a little more, because a chapter ending like that would be used when the readers didn't know what she was going to say, but we already knew it was about Will.
Good job though!
| Silver Sparke chapter 1 . 11/10/2011
Haha! Through the first lines, I could immediately picture the character. I can relate to her perfectly :) Nice job creating her personality so concisely and precisely!
There's a little typo- you forgot the space in "eyesand". Just in case you care.
I loved this sentence: "battling her false eyelashes so much I thought they might flap off her face and out the window." It was a type of thing I expected this character to say. Although I'm pretty sure you meant "batting," not "battling."
Fix "interuptted" too.
Overall, the rest of the chapter was very well written, and not cliche. I could tell you put thought into it and I enjoyed reading it. I also like your ending because it makes me want to read more, and also fits perfectly.
| Jakuho Raikoben chapter 2 . 9/1/2011
I like the idea of this story. I think this story has a lot of potential and there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with the grammer. The only thing I'll say is that you should space out the dialouge, other than that good job.
| FaithMemory chapter 2 . 4/16/2011
Second chapter was a bit short. I love ice skating! Keep this up!
| FaithMemory chapter 1 . 4/16/2011
Faith here! the story is very interesting! I really love the first chapter! I adore first person type of stories. And you delivered everything smoothly. keep writing!
| light7shadow8 chapter 1 . 2/21/2011
It's ok i guess, but I can't judge on just that so write more! Nice beginning though.