|Reviews for Do You Understand?|
| Ghost chapter 1 . 10/20/2011
Trick or treat :-O
Great piece! I love the creativity that went into this world and the characters' reactions to it. You paced the mystery of the story cleverly and took us on a wild ride of possibilities.
I like the way you opened with the mystery right there smack bang at the start of the story. Then the rest can be about how this mystery came about.
This mystery is expressed through different senses: 'was it the smells that invaded her lungs? Was it the sustenance that slid past her tongue? Was it the thin suit that surrounded her body?' and finally she questions whether it is actually her partner who is different- This makes us experience the confusion in the same way that Sophie would, and is a good example of showing not telling. this is quite realistic, when we experience mysterious change, we are so blindfolded that we don't know where it came from or what exactly is different.
I like this idea that Sophie is also emotionally distant in the relationship. It is not often we see women portrayed in this way.
I liked your imagery with the four moons and the different metaphors you use here. particularly: 'The white landscape that always surrounded them was bathed bloody red in the reflected light as the four moons looked down on the planet as a monster waiting to pounce on its prey.' - Although I would take out 'the' in front of 'reflected'.
'The woman found her hand on the control for the visor again. ' and 'the woman placed the sample beside the others ...'- I was a bit confused about who you were talking about here. Did you mean Sophie or was there another character?
I really like this concept of the molten silver tattoos that match each person's personality, and the way Sophie's changed. There is a lot of creativity in your writing generally which I really enjoyed.
I am impressed by the complex layering of ideas as the story develops. This story is well crafted to keep the reader interested.
'There was a sound behind her, and Sophie turned to see Dean behind her.'- the repetition of 'behind her' might be better reworded.
I really like the way we are kept in the dark about whether this transformation is essentially good or evil, whether Dean is really on her side, how they feel for each other, until the very end.
And nice ending :-)
'This land has been bathed in blood once before.' - This should be past tense, 'has' should be 'had'
'She had long ago become accustom to the behemoth moon' - 'accustom' should be 'accustomed'.
'and then used the laser to burn the bottom of core sample to remove any residual traces.' - I think you should insert 'the' before 'core'
'"Do you understand?" She whispered into his mouth.' - 'she' should be lowercase.
"I think he understands." He whispered into her ear. - the period should be a comma, and 'he' should be lowercase.
"You two have work to do." He stated as he went back to his desk.- same situation as above.
| S.R. Revel chapter 1 . 10/5/2011
Very interesting concept for a story. It was well written for the most part, and I did find this at the bottom of your list, so I'm not 100% on whether it was your first one posted. I have one note, you used alot of the character's name. Try mixing it up alittle with other pronouns and such. If you describe the character's physical features when writing 3rd person it helps, like if she had blue eyes, you could go with "The blue eyed woman..."
Overall I did enjoy it, it had an Issac Asimov feel minus the tobot and throw in some Twilight Zone.
I'm going to check out some more of your stories.
| Nesasio chapter 1 . 3/29/2011
...as the four moons looked down on the planet as a monster waiting to pounce on its prey.
-While I think 'as a monster' can technically work, it's a little confusing in this sentence since you've already got a completely different use of 'as'. 'Like' would probably be better, but it's not a huge deal.
She had long ago become accustom to...
-Reasonably sure it should be 'accustomed' but only about 85% on that.
(1)It hardly appeared as home anymore despite having lived five years in it. (2)It was a place to run and hide from now.(...)(3)They would reach it soon enough wouldn't they? But the real question would be if it would be soon enough.
-The writing in these sentences was a little rough/awkward. 1. The 'having lived five years in it' was what I stumbled over. Changing it to something like 'having lived there for five years' might help. 2. I had to read this twice to get what it was saying, but just changing the position of 'now' from the end to the beginning put the correct emphasis there (in my opinion) 3. I think the only problem with these two sentences is that the repeated phrase 'soon enough' isn't properly emphasized. One way to fix this might be "They would reach it soon enough, wouldn't they? But the real question would be if it (italicize)"would" be soon enough." Something in that second sentence should be italicized/emphasized, either way.
...the molten silver tattoo that was etched into her skin.
-Where on her skin? It's hard to picture because this section never says if it's on her belly, her shoulder, her breast, her neck...
...and Sophie looked to his face to see his studying it intently.
-'him' not 'his'
She wanted to love dean, and she thought she had.
A few less passage-specific things: 1. The Procxium isn't mentioned by name 'til about 2/3 of the way through so that's a little confusing. Of course, it's fairly easy to realize that it's the silvery metal they came there to find, so it wasn't confusing from that perspective, but I did wonder why it was mentioned at that point. Mentioning it by name earlier fixes that easily. 2. I never really got a sense of what Sophie thought felt different. Yes, there were things she wondered about, but her change in perspective is never really clarified. She wonders about many things but never has a moment of realization that 'oh, this is what's different'. There's just 'whywhywhy' then 'holy crap I'm seeing things from the POV of the procxium' without her really knowing she's seeing it that way. I'm not sure I explained this well, but basically that felt like something went unanswered from the beginning. 3. The descriptions toward the end became a little vague. I had a sense of what was going on, particularly with Sophie attacking Dean, but I couldn't picture it well because the phrasing was a bit sparse. 4. For the most part this was told from Sophie's POV, but there were a couple places (particularly Dean's decision to marry her...that section) where it slipped into Dean's mind without warning. Now, there's nothing wrong with omniscient, but given that this reads like limited for the majority of the story, that stood out to me.
I liked the ending of this! The whole time I was reading, I was thinking Sophie was going to attack Dean somehow, but I never thought of what might happen after. Overall, I thought this was quite an original story and has a lot of potential. There's atmosphere, mystery, and a great ending. Some of the writing needed to be fixed (in addition to the above comments, I also noticed many missing commas but nothing a close read-through wouldn't fix) and some things could be elaborated on but it's a really good start.
| slashedkaze chapter 1 . 3/28/2011
Wow, eerie. That's my first reaction. The ending (or more like, the second half of the story) came very unexpected. You easily caught my interest with this piece. Your writing was easy to follow and I like that. I also like the open ending, makes me wonder what exactly they're going to do now.
A few things that I noticed:
[Was the world beneath her feet? Was the air that surrounded her? Was it the smells that invaded her lungs? Was it the sustenance that slid past her tongue? Was the thin suit that surrounded her body?] You're missing the "it" in a couple of sentences here.
And I didn't really like how in one scene you jumped POV from Sophie to Dean in the middle of the scene. I also thought it wasn't necessary, because Dean's dialogue part after that conveyed what he thought perfectly.
[She had long ago become accustom]
| Whirlymerle chapter 1 . 3/28/2011
I liked the beginning, where Sophie started feeling that something was off and began asking many questions. I thought it almost had an existentialist feel to it… well, I don’t know if that’s the right word, but it was refreshing to see a character question much of the mundane things in life that most people never give much attention to.
[fingers danced off where it normally was to just flesh.] This sentence is a little awkward. I’m not sure what you mean here.
Interesting story, for sure. I like that the story is complex enough that I have to think about it before every thing clicked. Not every story on FP is depthy enough to be analyzed, so kudos for that. At the same time, there were some parts that were just too abstract or not fully developed, I thought. For example, the ending felt rushed, and the exact nature of the silver and the planet could have been more developed.
All in all, though, wonderful work!