|Reviews for Dying for Emeralds|
| Nesasio chapter 1 . 5/10/2011
But my insides twisted at the sight of them, like my heart knew something my head didn't.
...the building up so that I saw them every night.
-I believe this should be 'then', not 'the'
But then came the dreams, infrequent and blurry at first, the building up so that I saw them every night. They showed me clipped images of people and faces, screaming and wailing, and the sight of King Reyes stripped down to His underclothes, weeping. I didn't know what they meant; I only knew how much they frightened me.
-This is a particular place I would love to see expanded into a scene. :) You have a good setup for the chapter and include all the right details, however I thought the presentation could be livened up a bit. Right now it's mostly given in straight narration, in large chunks, which can be a little boring for the reader. A better way to give the same information would be to write out a detailed scene (in this case I suggest illustrating with the dream sequence, or at least showing the narrator wandering her room after waking and perhaps things in her room trigger the details of said dream) and as the narrator muses upon a specific detail, throw in a tidbit of backstory. The narrator's movement and observations mixed with information make infodumps much more entertaining.
-Omit the second '?'
"Super is in an hour."
"I didn't come in here to listen to you two bicker. I could stand out in the corridor and hear you two bicker!"
"You didn't?" Dan asked.
"You could?" I asked.
-Love this. :) Though I feel like Sonya's statements would benefit from italics or ellipses for proper emphasis, the idea still gets across.
Dab put his hand on my back...
"He wouldn't mine being a cannibal."
Great start here! The writing is very technically sound and entertaining and you've definitely got a good idea where this story is going. I was interested in what was happening and there were very few errors (noted above), which didn't distract from the story. Really, the only things I think you could work on to take this from great to fantastic would be storytelling-related, particularly regarding narration. As I said above, you have good detail in the backstory but the delivery could be made more visual and exciting for the reader. Also, description of objects and setting could be expanded slightly. While I shouldn't judge (my own descriptions are skeletal at best :-/ ) I will repeat what I've heard time and again in reviews: give enough detail so that the reader can form an image in their mind but not so much that they're pulled out of the story trying to visualize/keep track of everything.
Quite interested, will read on, glad I discovered this story. :)
| 12sandy34 chapter 2 . 3/2/2011
this is so good! wow!
| 12sandy34 chapter 1 . 2/28/2011
I think that it is amazing and should be published into a book!