|Reviews for No right|
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 6/19/2011
Bahh, okay, you got me. I want to review this one too! At least then I feel like I'm also making a dent on your works, though I'm making absolutely no dent on Night Love! D: It's just been too long, totally my fault, and the short stories are calling me tonight! XD
Howow! I read this all the way through without stopping, it's excellent! I really enjoyed what I perceive as an experimental edge with the use of some of the fast-paced short sentences and then the use of the point of view changing. You had me pulled right in when it started in second person and then when it drifts into the first person and makes that transition, I thought it was so smooth I almost didn't notice until I was done!
The moment you give us the identity of Donny is great, and really turns the story too. I remember this prompt, it was a really challenging one that you administered! XD I love what you've done with it though, it really had a Matilda moment with the child-rights thing, but it also raised a valid point and made me think. Donny's frustration really carried over well throughout too.
The short sentences, like I was saying, were really a staple here that worked well and kept the pace going...like, where I thought the narrative was violent, almost, with the themes and the frustration, the words themselves got that way too, and the pace got more jagged in those parts, so then you've got the whole story working together in this really wonderful way that reflects all the feelings of the characters. The change and the dialogue, how it's cut off, also can just illicit a bit of frustration from the reader, where we're going, "oh, I wanted to hear that!" and it just propels the story further. Phew, sorry, went on a bit of a rant there...but anyway, hmm... The mantra of "human rights" was distrubuted well throughout too!
I didn't find any spelling or grammar errors as far as things that could be improved or fixed or anything, it all tied together well and I liked how you ventured out with it. Am a big fan of what you've played with in the narrative and I also think it was an excellent choice concerning the prompt of that month too, so sorry I couldn't get to it sooner to impart my thoughts!
| Dragon made me do it chapter 1 . 6/3/2011
It was very clever the way you wrote the first section in first person, because it made you feel like it was you who was in that situation. It made you let go of the idea of seeing someone else in that situation, who got there because of the choices that they made. You are smack bang in the middle of the situation, so somehow it you got there, and now you have to feel what it's like.
Then I got a bit confused, because I had assumed that it was a flashback and the two stories were connected, then when it came to the third story, at first I thought that this was connected to the first somehow. I only worked it out once I read the other reviews. This was partially my stupidity and lack of brain function, and I also think it was clever the way you did the change of perspective thing. I suppose you could get around this by putting a small line between each section or adding some kind of explanatory sentence each time you change.
Couple of possible typos? fifth paragraph'his hand pincers into your wrist' should this be 'his hand pinces into your wrist' ? I assume you would want the verb here.
fifth bottom paragraph 'A spasm constricts my heart. I c- ' I assume here that he was starting to say 'I can't' but was cut off. If this is the case, I would write it as "A spasm constricts my heart. 'I c-...' "
I really like this piece :-) you plonk the readers attention right in the heart of conflict about human rights, and takes the intellectual distancing away from the conceptualisation of human rights.
| Sercus Kaynine chapter 1 . 3/13/2011
Gorgeous, gorgeous piece. You captured the meaning of the prompt hands down.
I also loved the POV switches. Not only did it mix it up and keep it fresh, it allowed for a different experience every time.
This piece really got under my skin. Loved the emotions, the way you portrayed the shame of the characters and how that's what it means to be without rights. Especially in the last scene. And it's cool how you took it from different views about what rights are.
Good job and good luck in WCC!
| dx713 chapter 1 . 3/12/2011
The first piece is chilling. Dark. You offer no exit, no hope. I suppose that's how you meant it, so it's a success.
The third one is a mixed bag. It's bleak, and even feel bleaker by knowing the persuasion means used by the sergeant are very weak compared to what some country will do to their opponents. Yet, there's courage, there's hope in human nature. I'm happy you end on this one rather than the first.
Compared to those, the second feels much lighter. Maybe I'm optimistic for thinking Donnie will finally manage to call his parents out or find subtler ways to affirm himself, but it felt kind of out of place between those two. At the same time, it's questioning: that's where most of us from democratic countries and "normal" families are when writing about human rights. Also, worse things happening elsewhere are not a reason to manipulate a child. If your aim was to make me think, you succeeded!
| What Happens Now chapter 1 . 3/10/2011
For the WCC
I guess the in medias res was alright for the beginning. I do however have some doubts about the very first line, I feel like it wasn't as enticing as it could have been. "His breath hisses an inch from your cheek. Your eyes are stuck on his dinner, dripping from the wall. The crack of plate beneath. Blood, life, drains from your skin into your toes. You are empty. A shell. Filled with stinking fear." I think if you had opened the story with "Who do you think you are?" that it would have been a bit better for the hook, and the accompanying lines could have been support.
For the plot it was a little confusing, you jumped around here and there flashing the prompt but I couldn't really wrap my head around what was going on. At first I had thought Donnie had been the husband, and that had been his childhood, but then you jumped to the girl and I was confused.
The scene with Donnie stood out the most, and so I was hoping it would somehow morph into the others while at the same time morphing back into itself, but I didn't see it.
Finally the ending was unclear (or I'm just stupid, and as of late I think it's the latter) the character states they could never put their name to that yet it seems they do actually that.
And what happened to the wife at the beginning, and Donnie in the middle? I felt like although the prompt united those stories that they were missing a true connection, like you took three stories stuck a human rights line into them and put them together. I'm sorry if that's too scathing I just don't knwo how else to put it.
| Nesasio chapter 1 . 3/10/2011
I liked the way you did this with the different POVs and scenes. Each one was really powerful. I especially liked the way you contrasted the more severe first and third scene with the more ordinary but still humiliating second one.
Nice work and good luck in the WCC!
| PoetryQueen chapter 1 . 3/8/2011
I liked the switching points of view! It reminded me of James Patterson's writing style! (He's a good author you should read some of his books if you haven't). I do think you should make it a little more clear when you do switch POV though.
You use very good imagery. I really like your first paragraph, it catches the reader's attention because of the imagery!
I was a little confused though about what he actually wanted to be written. Maybe I missed something, but I was a little confused by that.
The dialogue here is very good. It is believable and fits the story perfectly. You did a nice job with this!
I really liked this story! The pace was good and it is one that I will remember, good job! Good luck with the WCC!
| this wild abyss chapter 1 . 3/7/2011
I really liked this. The snapshot scenes worked really well, and I loved how they were all written in a different perspective. The tie-in with the prompt was there, and I thought you did a good, if more straightforward, interpretation of it. Nice job.
Good luck in the WCC!
| thewhimsicalbard chapter 1 . 3/6/2011
Very good, Soph! I especially liked the ending. It took me a while to figure out the kid... But that was intense. Excellent stuff. I especially love the content. You picked people from totally different walks of life, but honestly, I could see every single one of them as the same sort of person. They had an overarching similarity in the way they looked at the world that I felt like I could identify with. I don't know if you did it on purpose or not, but that was excellent! :D
And now for a little bit of critique: I don't know how close to the limit you were, but honestly I think you could have put a little bit more into the last one. The entire piece had a sense of just moving a little bit too fast, if you know what I'm saying. I saw too much blurry action, and not enough of the specific snapshots.
Really good stuff, Soph! Best of luck in the WCC!
| xenolith chapter 1 . 3/5/2011
Oh tense opening. Nice way to use second person, plunging the reader right into a scary situation, and a great hook too, as I'm dying to know more about it!
'Emptied smiles beam down from the photos on the wall'
- Emptied is a difficult word here, I have trouble imagining it. Empty might be better, I think?
'His voice is a caress.'
- Lovely description before the next line. But the waiting underneath cancels out the effect.
'You hear the television talking softly to him.'
- Oh, fantastic! Creepy image and yet such a normal thing :D
'Burns beneath his shame Collapses at his desk.'
- Was this supposed to be two lines?
'Her voice is dangerously low, dangerously slow.'
- I like this. Menacing feel to it, very well done.
Interesting how you used three different POVs. At first I wasn't sure if it worked, but by the end I think it graded down nicely. Ending with the first person was a good call! You, then he, then I. It's almost like, as a writer, you were pointing the finger at examples and then came back to yourself.
The theme was handled wonderfully, of course. I liked the different emotions throughout, but I think my favourite was the second part, with the kid. Ah that anger was well described, I could relate to it perfectly. And it's such an every-day situation, too. Poor kid.
But yeah that ending was superb. I almost feel like there's a whole story in there for ya, just waiting to come out! Something like puppet meets noch meets INSIWB :D
Best of luck in the WCC this month Sophie!
| Punslinger chapter 1 . 3/5/2011
Ordinarily I would object to the way you switched from second person narrative to third person to first person in such a short story. But you did it so smoothly while maintaining a high level of emotional tension that it worked out very well.
I hope you win the contest. I can't imagine anyone else doing better at developing a theme in such a tight context.
That's an impressive quote, but I must plead total ignorance of Upendra Baxi. Guess I'm too old-fashioned.
| Narq chapter 1 . 3/5/2011
Haha, referencing is very important, and they stress it at you with every opportunity at uni.
Yes, I think I like it this way. it does build the tension, and it helps the reader ease into the situation but at the same time, doesn't desensitise the reader.