Reviews for ThoughtNet
lookingwest chapter 1 . 8/22/2011
I've read and looked at this one a lot before so it kind of surprised me I hadn't reviewed yet! I like the combo of the genres being in sci-fi and horror, you really don't see those together that often...I guess unless it's like Apollo 18 but alas there were no astronaut farts in this :[

Anyway, I like the technicalities of the beginning and the ending, it makes for a more complete whole to the story and fit really nice-in the beginning, it also creates a great moment of suspense and foreshadow on what's to come.

Our narrator in this piece was great, I liked the idea of having the whole speech thing happening and I like how you worked in the dialogue and the thoughts of her, especially the moment with the garden and her reaction. I think my favorite paragraph was the one starting with "My mind, my body, so unused..." because it really wrapped everything together nicely.

You know, though, and this is suuuper nit-pickey and also very opinion based so feel free to ignore it, but something about putting the apostrophe before "Net" bothered me. I think maybe it's because I read this after reading "Grilling..." which may have carried over some like, weird southern hick-ish feel to "'Net" where I felt like Tom Saywer was saying it weird, XD. But really, I don't know the grammar of those things so you're probably right anyway!

Liked the pacing, did well there, I didn't feel it slowed down which is cool because it's all told through the speech of one person, and I enjoyed the incorporation of outside characters. The ending and the moment about individuality, like when she talks about the last thing they'll have in common is missing ThoughtNet, was really cool. I think it brought flavor to the society and a very eerie tone to imagine all of these people controlled under one thing. Very dystopian, and I feel like we're reading the very last chapter of a great epic sci-fi book like 1984 or something, XD. Overall, a great concept for a sci-fi WCC!
too.much.of.water chapter 1 . 7/1/2011
Ooh, that's very creepy, very dystopian and 1984-esque. I enjoy that kind of thing immensely and this would have made an excellent full length story. It also reminds me a lot of the Matrix but that could just be me. For me, it could have been enlarged into the problems with democracy about what could happen if the majority (in this case the indoctrinated others) are wrong. Then it could get all Socratic but I think that might be a stretch. I'm not sure but it's gotten me very interested and I think it's just spurned an idea for a story. So thank you on that part!

It's excellently written and the only problem could be that it's very fast and provides little information into ThoughtNet which is a very interesting and realistic concept. Apart from that however, just wow. It was a really lovely thing to read :)
What Happens Now chapter 1 . 4/7/2011
Interesting concept

I was a little turned off by the shortness of the scene where she is just getting offline. I feel like I would better understand the true contrast between being online and offline if you had been a bit more descriptive about it. I would like to know things like how they communicated over the thoughtnet, and a more specific question how were disputes between friends settled? Or how did the narrator express intimate feelings to her husband when they were both online.

I also was a little confused as to who was managing thoughtnet, I feel like this was more a figurative piece than literal. What i mean is, that thoughtnet was never physically real but was an idea. If so I am impressed by your description of the feeling of freedom from the thoughtnet, it made me feel some sort of happiness for the narrator for becoming free.

Down with Thoughtnet!
JaffaFoose chapter 1 . 4/3/2011
Very, very, very good.

Overall, I can't say that it's entirely original, because the morals you're expressing are pretty common among dystopian novels. But I don't blame you for that, because certainly they are morals worth repeating. The value of individuality and conflict cannot, and should not, be denied.

But whether it is original and creative or not, it is exceedingly well written. The voice of the narrator is excellent, and you express it all very well. I especially like the ending - "Some of you may appreciate me for destroying the nightmare, others will no doubt loathe me for killing the dream. But that is my gift to you. Love me or hate me: the choice is all yours." That was brilliant writing on so many levels. First and foremost, the nightmare/dream contrast perfectly captures the whole conflict of the entire dystopian genre. But then you take it a step further and turn that contrast into an incredibly valid point about free will and individuality, and that makes it all the more potent still.

Great work. Favorited.
ShatteredUniverse.old chapter 1 . 4/1/2011
[FREELANCE REVIEW - RG EASYFIX FORMAT]

The tone of this story was incredible! It combined very archetypal underpinnings (Man vs. Society) with a learned, post-modern sensibility I found completely believable.

My biggest complaint (basically the only one) is I think ThoughtNet might have been able to predict something like this would happen eventually and prepare for it, even more so since it was a digital collective mind - it would have to have a computerized command structure. Surely the developers wouldn't leave it *that* defenseless?

Overall, I liked the piece a lot. It was great for a one-shot.

ShatteredUniverse
xenolith chapter 1 . 3/31/2011
Far out! I really, really enjoyed this XD

I liked how you made it your own. We have the books and the movies and the TV shows about this kind of thing but I really felt like you put your own spin on the mind-control, utopia/dystopia theme. The start and end transmission was very creative, as was the first person talking out to you, the reader. There's a nice sense of foreboding that builds throughout the piece. The pace was great. I didn't feel like there was too much backstory, and you introduced it fairly later on in the story which worked out great - by then, I was naturally curious and wanted to know more, rather than being gorged on information at the start. What else. Nice parallels to modern culture, technology and TV and everything else killing individuality. And, yeah. An all-round great piece. I'll definitely be remebering this one!
Sercus Kaynine chapter 1 . 3/13/2011
This is why sci-fi scares me... This sounds like it could've made an interesting full-length story. A lone heroine, battling through a conformist society trying to free the masses. Much adventure.

Good job and good luck in WCC!
CCKins chapter 1 . 3/10/2011
Wow! That was a wonderful and interesting story! I liked the whole plot, where everyone is trapped in a world and one person has to set it straight, it was so interesting! I also like how I gradually come to understand what the whole thing is about, it gives your story some mystery to it!

I don't understand why this is horror though? Oh well, overall, it was great! Best of luck with the Challenge!
Jayster007 chapter 1 . 3/10/2011
What a creative theme! This reminds me of a cross between the Matrix, .Hack, and another series called "Diadem" that I remember reading as a kid. But not just that, you explored the typical virtual reality dystopian theme in a greatly original manner.

What I liked most about your story was the abundance of detail, especially when you were describing the garden that was once vibrant with color and life but has now faded into atrophy. I also liked how you made the story take the form of a "thoughnet special bulletin." You had great leads that made the reader want to read on to find out what happens next; it was a challenging and exhilarating read.

The only thing I thought you could have done better was that you could have described thoghtnet a bit more thoroughly. I wanted to perhaps understand a little more about the very nature of thoughtnet. Was it simply a system geared towards a utopian society of complete democracy? Was it a means of escape, almost like virtual reality? Was participation optional? Where, or when, did it take you? Into what sort of world? It may be extremely advantageous to you to provide a bit more detail and further enrich this already exceptional story.

-Jay
frugale chapter 1 . 3/9/2011
Hello again, Nesasio!

First of all, congratulations for tackling this prompt creatively and making it interesting. You have truly thrived in adversity.

This is an interesting theme which, contrary to popular belief, isn't the exclusive property of the Wachowski Brothers... But I digress. You have touched the heart of the problem, that is, the sacrifices that we have to make and priorities we have to set as collectivities - to what extent should humans be controlled? To what extent should they enjoy freedom? Although your ending is a bit too obvious and crowd pleasing for my tastes (but that's just _my own_ tastes), this piece was very appropriate and refreshing. My only objective piece of concrit for this is the genres - I'd think this belongs in sci-fi rather than drama, no? It's not a big deal, anyway.

Congratulations.

-frugale
flyingpencil chapter 1 . 3/9/2011
Has a little bit of Matrix in it, am I right?

Great story though, it reminded me of the famous I have a dream (no kidding, it really did) you are very good at writing speaches. This was a great story!
Narq chapter 1 . 3/8/2011
I really like how you completely went in your narrator's mind. It was very strong and the tone and the setting also came through clearly.

You did this dystopia well.

Good luck in the WCC!

Narq.
Zaarah chapter 1 . 3/6/2011
Hey! This is a good start! I was kind of confused about the opening of the story because I didn't get what it was about but gradually towards the end of the chapter I have a clear idea about what the story is about, which is good. No one likes to jump into a story without knowing what they're getting into. It has been written well, the writing isn't too decorative and you've used simple language which makes it easier to read, also like one of the other reviewers pointed out, you're talking directly to the reader and that kind of pulled me in and it was easy to read.

"All of you, you're the worn out playthings of a groupthink culture, wandering the world on strings held by an invisible puppeteer. " That's by far my most favourite line in the chapter! So well written, and it reminds me of how most of us think in a society, blindly following rules and norms.

As for the pace, I think you should've used a little more description cos at times it feels like you're jumping right into something else. But, that's my personal opinion since I like to read description as opposed to dialog. What you've done works for most people, though.

There's a typo here:

And oh, it was the 'must' exhilarating moment of my life!

All in all, it's enjoyable, I know lots of people will relate to it because of the theme. I'd like to read the rest of it too!

Good luck with the contest!

via the Review Game.
thewhimsicalbard chapter 1 . 3/6/2011
Oh! Exciting! Dystopian societies seem to be getting a lot of attention in the WCC lately. This is a really good one though. It honestly reminds me of the short story Harrison Bergeron, one of my favorites - except that this one has a happy ending. VR is a dangerous thing. Plus, I like your take on the prompt: when does something we consider a right become dangerous to us?

Best of luck in the WCC this month!

-twb
this wild abyss chapter 1 . 3/6/2011
Interesting. I really like liked this. I've seen things like it before, but I felt that you put a good spin on it, made it your own. I loved how the narrator appeared to be addressing the audience. That aspect made things personal and easy to follow along with. Really fantastic job with this, Lyra! I loved it.

And good luck in the WCC!