It's interesting how the idea manifested itself as prose. As you said, it has a lot of potential as poetry, but poetic, figurative elements serve well. They give it literary value. The first and last paragraphs are particularly strong. My only real suggestions are to proofread this again (there are a few mechanical errors, though nothing too distracting), and to remove the italicized thoughts (just my opinion. No matter how skilled the author, those usually come out a bit awkward. Not to mention that, given the first person narrative, they're unnecessary). I hope you feel better (though I'm pretty sure me saying so doesn't help that much. But smile, you've got talent.)