Reviews for Phantasmagoria
Nesasio chapter 1 . 3/18/2011
This is a great opening for a story. You've got plenty of action and mystery and with a few changes I think you could get a lot of interest in this story.

First, your descriptions aren't bad but they aren't very original either. Things like twinkling stars, flashes of light, and ghostly figures and can be embellished to be more unique. Try to think of unique comparisons to describe them and give the descriptions your own flair.

Second, many of your sentences use passive voice. This causes a disconnect between the narration and the action, making it feel less exciting to the reader. For instance, let's look at: The girl was now frozen, fear locking her legs and the man advanced, raising his bloodstained sword. Rewriting this as "The girl stood frozen, fear locking her legs, as the man advanced, raising his bloodstained sword." The change is minor but it adds greater urgency to the sentence.

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